The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for Monday, 5/3, talks about how at first detachment seemed cold and not loving at all. But the author now sees it as a wonderful gift. They are allowing their loved ones the privilege and opportunity of being themselves. They no longer want to interfere, intervene, protect, nor do them a disservice. Although they find it painful to watch another person suffer or take the wrong path, the author now prefers to experience their own fear, grief, and anguish.
Reminder: Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone else to experience the natural consequences of their actions, even when it is painful for both of us. In the long run, both of us will benefit. Today I will put love first in my life.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Oh my, what a long and challenging journey it was to get on board with detachment. After all, didnt I know what was best for my A? Couldnt I surely guide my A to health and recovery? Didnt I have the meeting lists, alcohol counselors, and all the necessary suggestions for success? WRONG. The best thing I have done for my A is to live and let live, and get my own issues worked on. And my spouse used to tell me that alanon has ruined me! It is hard to adjust to being on the receiving end of detachment after so many years of meddling and attempts to control. But I have this figured out and can practice it most of the time. And wow, is this better for me! And just for the record, my A is now doing some serious work with an OA sponsor. Go figure.
Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily (early too)! I can relate to thinking that detaching sounded strange and was foreign to me. I too had spent more time than I care to admit 'attached' to the well-being and care and more for my A(s). Learning to detach was not easy for me. Practicing detachment was as hard as learning to ride a bike - I fell down many, many times.
I've improved greatly with practice, and I too feel much more free to just be me and let others be them. I find it easier than ever before to just bite my tongue when what I hear sounds a bit 'left of center' or literally insane...a miracle in itself simply because I've never been short of words, ideas, advice (unsolicited & solicited), suggestions, etc.
While my A(s) are still living on the edge quite often, they are alive, working, etc. It took me a long, long while to figure out that how I define happiness is most likely way different than how others do, and working on just me can be a full-time job. I've seen many improvements in many areas of my life and theirs so - I too can say, go figure!!
Happy Monday (to be) to all. I'm up and out super early to volunteer at the golf course which now opens at sunrise...enjoy your day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you. Lyne for your service. Detachment is the only thing that makes sense to me because I rob them of their lessons and their growth and maybe even recovery if I interfere in anyway. Detachment over all things over which I have no control bee it a person place or thing, detachment or disconnecting or letting go is the only thing that keeps me halfway sane. And in doing so, my higher power can give me ideas or direction what to do to take care of myself. Nice post. Thank you for sharing this
Thank you Lyne for your service and the share. I can so relate to the share. For me attachment frequently lead to feelings of inadequacy. Once I started to practice detachment I found I volunteered less in general. Not just with the alcoholic loved ones but all around. I'm more discerning which is to my overall growth and development. It's still hard at times. If im feeling off centred I can still get too involved with other people's problems;if I'm not careful I can feel sorry for people who are not deserving of it. This depletes me intensely in other areas of my life.
I have to watch that with work too. Detaching from insecurity which drives me to achieve. That's perfect timing for my current awareness as well. Take care all.
I.am so very glad that you found ways to make your life more meaningful
I have had to learn how protective my denial was. It fulfilled my family commands to be both loyal and silent
My family were violent there was not much rebellion possible. Indeed when I did eventually rebel against them the coat was enormous
I am able to tolerate being around people who are grief illiterate these days. Their programs are pretty rudimentary. In my early experiences with AA and al anon there was much push back to speaking about family of origin. That was a pretty uphill challenge
My.family of origin while it is a persistent issue for me is not my primary concern. Some of the issues I struggle with are related to my own unmet needs. in fact I think that is what drew me to an unrecorded alcoholic their unmet needs were rather similar to mine
I am able to be far more reflective about my history without being dysregukated by those acknowledgement.
I know that practicing detachment does indeed make that possible.
I am very grateful for taking the calculated risk of going to al.anon. My normal experience of risk is to be reckless have huge expectations and be dramatically disappointed.
Being challenged in my recovery is no longer something I have to be defensive about. My life and capability has grown immeasurably. I have a long way to go but I already came far further than I ever imagined
