Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

SunnyFrogs · Senior Member

Anxiety Inside My Hula Hoop

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((SF))) - awesome for you that you're stepping away and staying in your lane. In moments like this, around here, I would do ANYTHING besides sit, stew, worry, etc. For me, action - even dusting, vacuuming, cleaning a bathroom, a closet, etc. helped. If I truly needed to remove myself, I'd go for a walk or 'run to the store' - often just parking in a lot at a park to breathe...

Again, for me doing something, anything, changes up the thoughts which in turn help with the anxiety, worry and projection. I'm sorry for how your day is unfolding - I know you know this yet will remind you - it will be OK and you will be too. (((Hugs)))

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sunyfrogs

I am sorry to hear your mother in law is I'll

What a great example of mindfulness. When I am irritated. I can find it hard to be detached

Stepping aside from peope when they are intoxicated is really hard. I find myself drawn to them like a magnet. I feel like I have been surrounded by intoxicated persons my whole life. Their behavior is inherently familiar to me

Now when people behave oddly I do not go into a cycle of reactivity

I go into acceptance

Getting to acceoancs is phenomenal

What a lot of work you have done to get to that place of detachment. Of course it us detachment with both self compassion mindfulness as well as inner strength

.maresie

SunnyFrogs · Senior Member

Thanks Iamhere and Maresie.

I am really glad I jumped in my hula hoop and came here and posted instead of reacting.

His phone call lasted 2 hours. Phew,never knew he could even talk to anyone that long. Lol

He passed out as soon as he got off the phone. At first I was thinking really? This is my day? And felt a bit depressed. But then I started thinking yay,I have the rest of the day to myself and things I need and want to do and now I can do them peacefully.

Grateful for this program.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear you SF - I can so relate. When mine were down for the count, I found it much easier to relax...keep doing what you're doing - it's looking great on you!!

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Sunny you are doing great. It is very hard to stay in that hula hoop, but letting AH live his own life is what

Al-Anon is trying to help us live with, it is what gives us relief and serenity. When we step in, we are essentially

enabling the alcoholic and that really isn't what our place in the relationship should be. {{HUGS}}

-- Edited by Debb on Monday 26th of April 2021 03:44:21 PM

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

My greatest learned reactions in and to this disease came from the experiences of the gals and guys of the program and as I leared to duplicate what they passed on to me one of which was to stand shoulder to shoulder with my Higher Power and recite the definition of alcoholism as I was taught in the face to face rooms. "Alcoholism is a four fold disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. I can never be cured only lived with in total abstinence." The definition uses acceptance and powerlessness so that I will allow my alcoholic addict all the reasons to let it go and follow it to her Higher Power. That got her clean and sober. wink

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

First of all, I want to say GREAT JOB staying in your hula hoop!!

Now I want to address the question. It is misguided shame you feel. I know b/c I lived it for many years and tried so hard to not have anyone see just how disfunctional our family life was!
I was raised in a time that society was all about that fairy tale partnership (marriage). "You Are The Wing Beneath My Wings," "You make me want to be a better man," and my personal "favorite," "You complete me."
Now add onto that, the subtle or not-so-subtle hints from mother-in-laws about "having control over your spouse." What ensues is a recipe for a perfect case of "If only I did better (pick a way), then my spouse would __________!" It still amazes me how many women of a certain age, still hold onto that belief that you can truly control another person!

Working Al-Anon and speaking with a sponsor, helped me to really see that his drinking/drugging behaviors were NO reflection on me or my capabilities as a wife!! It helped me to "text book - understand" the disease of addiction so that when I heard the veterans of these rooms tell me, "They are an addict/alcoholic, it is what they do. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and sadly, you cannot Cure it... no matter how you act," I believed it wholeheartedly.

This did not happen overnight btw.

You did a great job turning that negative inside voice around into seeing the positive aspect!

Wishing you peace today!
&

SunnyFrogs · Senior Member

Thanks for the replies here, I really appreciate it.

I was actually kinda proud of how I handled the situation yesterday. I wish I could say that today though. It has been a horrible day today and my hula hoop turned into a torpeodo I was riding on and it was aimed right at AH.

Tomorrow is a new day though and I will begin again.

PosiesandPuppies, I think you're right about the misguided shame. Not so much because I want to paint everything all rosey for outsiders but I guess because of my MIL. She's been very sick and it just seemed so disrespectful to me that he talked to her while that drunk and especially that early in the day. I don't want her to worry about him(but she will) I don't want her to know how badly he's doing.

I guess I keep all that hidden,for her sake. I guess I do try to make things look all rosey for her. It's probably wrong of me but I do feel bad for her.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((SF))) - keep doing what you're doing - and remember we're all about progress. Countless times, I needed my sponsor to remind me that one day of responding instead of reacting was a great improvement over before. Also, just a thought - I learned in recovery that I don't have to wait until morning to start my day over - I can opt to do that at anytime. Of course, my days start with prayer so that's what happens when I remind myself to just stop and restart...(((Hugs)))

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

(((SunnyFrogs)))

I'd like to second what Iamhere said... the day can start over the minute you decide to!! Progress not perfection.

It is admirable of you to try and protect his mother from worry... but think of it like this: She is a MOM. She will worry... it is what we do! LOL!
Thankfully, I have Al-Anon. So today, I worry less as a mom. I try very hard to actively give ______ up to my HP, and she can handle the excessive worry!!

I am in progress as well!

&

SunnyFrogs · Senior Member

Thanks guys,really appreciate it.

I know I didn't have to wait until today to begin again, guess it was just more a figure of speech. I did begin late last night and so far I am able to control myself today.

SunnyFrogs · Senior Member

Yesterday I lost my cool because AH ditched me at the last minute. We were supposed to go somewhere together,I was just about finished getting ready and boom something better came along I guess.

It really hurt my feelings. Even though I have read here so many times about having back up plans,it caught me off guard.

It seems silly today. You would think him getting drunk so early in the day would have been more upsetting.

I guess I took it personally and I shouldn't have.

But,I found another guided meditation to use when struggling with strong emotions. If I can remember that next time I'm upset I think it will be helpful,along with Alanon tools.

Daffodils · Senior Member

Hey SunnyFrogs. I have felt the pangs of rejection/being left out. Just sending you plenty of hugs. There's nothing silly about your actions. I have grown and used your examples many times. Glad you reached out. You are an amazing soul. ((HUGS)) ((SQUEEZE))

Daffodils · Senior Member

Hi SunnyFrogs again...I also heard "Don't should on yourself" lol

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

{{SunnyFrogs}} I am so sorry that AH hurt your feelings.

My ESH concerning this type of treatment from AH is that the last thing I want him to see

is that he hurt my feelings. I have learned that the last thing I want AH to do is to get my

goat, sooooo I do not let him know where it is tied up!!!! {{SMILE}}

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Debb, I love the goat expression -- If I don't want someone to get my goat, I won't tell them where it is tied up! That is a keeper.

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sunnyfrogs
Being let down at the last minute is indeed upsetting
I most certainly struggle with people being consistent.
One of my core issues with dysregulation is that I already have had to deal with so much. Then another straw comes along and breaks the camel's back
I most certainly have struggled with expectations around an alcoholic. In whatever setting there are reasonable expectations. It seems that an active alcoholic goes pit of their way to demolish every semblance of consistency. That engineers significant distrust. That is indeed extremely difficult to deal with

Thank you for being so open about your daily struggles. I really did struggle and drown when I was as on close proximity to.an active alcoholic. My boundaries are primed these days. Nevertheless there is so so much dysfunction to work around

Keep up the great work

Maresie

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((SF))) - I am so sorry he switched things up last minute. I have a few 'pet peeves' and one of those is ditching me for better plans. It goes back all the way to high school - I got invited to the school dance by a guy and said Yes. Even then, my self-esteem was such that I don't think I inhaled before I said Yes. Well -- about a week later, the boy I was really crushing on invited me to go. My parents told me if I ditched the first guy to go with the other, I was not going to the dance at all. And - there came a long, long lecture about honor, integrity, commitments, etc.

As a teenage hormonal gal, I didn't really care what my parents thought (I thought they were uncool and stupid). Yet, as an alcoholic in training, I could not/would not miss an opportunity for a night of over indulging. In spite of my age/stage at the time, this stuck with me and still does (obviously, cuz I am sharing it). It came to be a value that I value greatly.

Yet, I have had to accept others have different values. I know my AH would dump me in a minute for a better offer. It's not intended to be mean-spirited or malicious. It is selfish and self-seeking yet I can readily admit I have declined invitations before hoping for a 'better offer'. I have also come to cancel outings with him for better offers. I figure if I am expected to be more fluid and less rigid, I can also act less fluid and rigid.

Relationships are give/take. It is through these kinds of events that I really do value a Plan B. Even if that Plan B is watching a good movie, taking a nap or reading a book. It certainly is more lovely if I am told before I clean up and put on make-up yet mine doesn't think about that part of my process - it's not part of his process. We certainly have the right to be disappointed over changed plans -- what recovery offers us is a shorter interval to dwell on the disappointment and options + choices. Glad to see you were able to process and move along - that's what matters.

I do believe that men are truly from Mars and women are truly from Venus. We certainly seem to operate, think and process as if we're from 2 different worlds/planets most of the time!!! Good on you for using your tools!!

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

((Sunnyfrogs)). It strikes me that you have such good tools and you use them. Well done. Guided meditations are fantastic and so is Netflix! Not sure your age, I'm 39 hitting 40, and it still buzzes me that we have all this digital stuff to access! I often feel like a kid outside the candy store, with urchin face pressed against the glass, who grew up and got a free pass inside. I hope you're feeling better today.

SunnyFrogs · Senior Member

I decided to post in this thread again rather than start a new one since it's basically the same stuff.

Recently a small group had made plans with me to come to my house for dinner. Of course AH decided to do what he normally does on occasions that are about me and not him. He got drunk early in the day and passed out. He was asleep for quite a few hours and as it got closer to the group coming over I was thinking maybe I should cancel.

I was stressing over what his behavior could be like in front of them. Plus I was pretty upset because he knew this was planned and important to me. I kept debating back and forth in my mind what would be best to do.

Ultimately,in the end,I didn't cancel. I went ahead with the plans that were made.

It went really well,for me,and I had a good time. AH didn't really have a good time though,it was awkward for him, he was still slurring and not walking very good while they were here. He was pretty much ignored by the group. I just acted like it was 'normal' for him to be how he was and didn't explain or make excuses for him. I didn't need to anyway,it was clearly obvious what was up.

My point in this post is not to berate AH, it's to say I was actually proud of myself for doing what I did. It was hard to do though,if I'm honest. My first instinct was to cancel but then I decided no,this is about me not him,these were my plans not his and I'm not missing out because of him.

The next day,after sobering up,he seemed surprised that I didn't cancel. He also seemed embarrassed because he was seen in that state and ignored like that. I didn't lecture him or yell at him over it or anything, I just talked about how nice of a time it was.

There's no way I could have done that before this program. I would have cancelled after the first drink he took and would have been in a rage for days blaming him for ruining something again. I would not have dared taking a chance on anyone being around him,I would have allowed my fears of how it might go,how he might behave,what he might say,etc rule my decision(and my life).

So,thumbs up for me on this one.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

SunnyFrogs, absolutely "Thumbs Up." You should be proud, I'm proud for you!!! {{HUGS}}

Daffodils · Senior Member

Good Morning SunnyFrogs. TWO thumbs up! ((hugs)).

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, SunnyFrogs, 2 thumbs up!

You used your program perfectly, and made your needs a priority!
I can't tell you how many plans my Ex ruined b/c of his addictions. When I learned to do things without him or even despite him (and not feel guilt), it was so incredibly freeing!!

Keep it up! Program sure looks good on you!

&

Bettertomorrow · Senior Member

Absolutely thumbs up.

I can vividly remember my son having his new girlfriend over for her first ever dinner with our family and my AH got drunk and passed out face down into a bowl of cauliflower cheese at the dinner table. She is still his girlfriend 5 years later.

If we change our plans because our A is drunk or not, then we are letting the disease win.

Well done Sunny Frogs. You have really kept the focus on you. Here's to many more lovely meals with your friends (( )) BT

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Way to go SF - way to go!! My heart (and mouth) are smiling at how you've progressed in your recovery and the awareness is, as we say, a miracle in progress. Keep doing what you're doing - it looks awesome on you!!

SunnyFrogs · Senior Member

Thanks Debb, Daffodils, P&P , Bettertomorrow and Iamhere.

I hope I can continue just living my life like that without allowing the disease to live it for me.

It actually felt good afterwards to realize the world didn't end for 'outsiders' to see AH in that state.

Writing about it here sure made old childhood memories come flooding back though. And then I had nightmares last night.

When I was a child,no way did I want any friends at my house. I would go to their houses but always made excuses for them to not go to mine. I was too afraid of what my Dads behavior would be.

Talking about this here helped me see that many of my own reactions, fears, decisions and behaviors in the present are because of the past.

And I realize that even though I had said in an earlier post in this thread that I don't try to make things look all rosey to outsiders, I guess I do. Not sure why I have been in denial about that. I don't do it all the time but I do actually still do it in specific situations and with specific people.

But,I definitely feel this was progress. This group was definitely people I would not have wanted to see AH like that. And I do think it's a stepping stone for me to future times of not letting this disease rule my life.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((SF))) - I can relate. In my case, I carried and felt shame for the actions of others. I had this (faulty) idea in my brain that when my AH or my ASons were insane/active, others would judge me for their actions, words, choices, etc. Healthy persons don't do 'this'. Unhealthy people might/do. Finding my courage to be authentic in my life and my days helped me find more courage to make healthy changes in my life, my relationships, my friends, etc.

I could spend (way too much) time trying to look back at the source of this yet feel it would be more thoughts than facts. Instead of looking for the cause (my past process), I instead look to just accept and figure out action to do/be better. I just wanted you to know that I hear you and can relate. I had great amounts of fear that I'd lose friends if they knew the reality of my life. I did lose some, by choice, simply because I needed loving, unconditional support and not judgement. Yet, another thing I didn't know until I did.

Progress is always the end game/goal...keep doing what you're doing - it looks great on ya!

SunnyFrogs · Senior Member

Thanks Iamhere and tiredtonite

It's nice to be able to share thoughts and feelings with people who understand....and encourage...

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Sunny: I just wanted to stop in and give some positive healing and energy to you. I had two alcoholic husbands. Both very bright man. And oh did it make me sad to listen to them with that drunken speech that they have and you know they are drinking. When my brother calls me drunk I can tell right away

And yes I love what you say about staying in your hula hoop and minding your own business. I call it staying in my own lane and letting them do what they Gotta do and letting them do their thing and learn their lessons

I think you are spot on and what you are saying about letting him do his thing with no reflection on yourself and staying in your own lane

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

In my family of origin there was no bringing anyone home. In fact when my parents went to parent night at the school people made comments about them
I brought that same expectation into my life. I have often been incredibly secretive about my home life
Fast forward to al anon where I started to be more open about it.
Now I am not secretive but certainly boundaried

My life is most certainly affected by others but I work hard to get out of the way of certain persons

I did not know how to get out of the way before .

When I think of the life of our founder Lois alanon certainly saved her. Bill W was as much of a handful sober.
Can you imagine always having to live with other people because they were so poor. Then for years being the only breadwinner?

Yet Lois created a program that has helped people for over 70.years. That is millions of people

Some of my favorite artist are women who were severely abused. They created incredible art despite that circumstance

Our lives are our canvas
In spite of my childhood, in spite of all the bullies who live to call people names and denigrate them at the drop of a hat, in spite of my issues I am indeed a work of art

Thank you for sharing your journey
My own journey is riveting every day of the week because I am definitely committed to my recovery 100%

Maresie

-- Edited by Maresie888 on Wednesday 26th of May 2021 08:48:53 PM

SunnyFrogs · Senior Member

Hey mamalioness, thanks for the pisitive healing and energy.

That drunken speech gets me inside,I won't lie about that. It sounds so sloppy and is triggering for me. I'm trying to find ways to deal with that and not let it get to me.

Maresie, my parents didn't go to anything at school when I was a kid. At the time I was hurt and grateful at the same time. They were the "talk of the town". They missed out on so much,I found ways to go to the afterschool stuff,talent shows,programs,etc despite them. I'm beginning to develop a relationship with my mom(it's slow progress) and sometimes I talk about things,like a talent show I was in,or a program. She sounds surprised.

I watched a film about Lois, do you happen to know the name? I would like to see it again.

Like you,despite my childhood and everything else,I'm committed to recovery also.

*Is the name of the movie " when love is not enough?"

-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Friday 28th of May 2021 03:14:01 PM

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Sunnyfrogs, yes, the movie is "when love is not enough." There is also an Al-Anon book called "Lois Remembers" where she tells her story.

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

Just want to say that mentioning the hula hoop made me think of my sponsor. She said I should stay in my hula hoop years ago. I am wondering how if I am still living in my own hula hoop. I guess it is TBT.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene