The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading asks the question, "How can I both love and hate the alcoholic?
It is suggested that we would not feel love and hate if we did not care about that person and that love is an emotion that is a
characteristic of a shared life but hate is love that has become distorted due to distrust and hopelessness.
The reading goes on to suggest that love can replace hate when I bring myself to nurture it with hope and faith in the inherent
goodness of another human being.
Todays Reminder:
I want to recognize and appreciate the good and loveable qualities of the alcoholic, and not hate them, but the sickness from which they suffer.
They will gradually become aware of appreciation for them as a person and therefore will build their confidence and self-esteem, thus pave the
way to a desire on their part to attain sobriety.
Todays Quote:
By love I do not mean natural tenderness, which is in people according to their constitution, but I see it as a larger principle of the soul, founded
in reason and spiritual understanding, which makes us kind and gentle to all our fellow creatures as creations of God. ~ (William Law)
My ESH:
Al-Anon has helped me see that if I strive One Day At A Time" to detach from the disease of alcoholism, that I can clearly see my AH for his good
qualities and not for the ones that cause my despair, fear and hopelessness.
I do not hold hope for AHs sobriety and I accept that as a non-issue. I watched him go through open-heart surgery and the moment he got home,
he was in his truck, with the bandages still on his chest, going to the package store.
I have learned how to avoid interacting with him when he is drinking and at specific times and places throughout the day that would send him into his
Dr. Jekyll mode and I am absolutely okay with that!! It is more important that I maintain my peace and serenity and not cause stress for either of us.
Our relationship is much more peaceful and that is perfect for me under the circumstances.
If I find that the chaos is unavoidable, I say as little as possible, as to quell any further confrontation, because I learned in Al-Anon that being right is
really not necessary and my perspective should be in check. Let Go And Let God" is my mantra under duress.
"Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is not noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart" ~ (Unknown)
Thank you Al-Anon, MIP and HP.
Sending you all love and peace.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
It's sometimes hard to not feel hate for AH, not for him as a human being but rather for his behaviors . Lately I have been thinking about old times ,like when we first got together many years ago. It helps remind me of what I do love about him and the reasons I got with him in the first place. I do believe that person is still in there somewhere, maybe way down deep inside. That's what I hold onto, not in the hopes that he will be 'back' but that he really is still that same man, he's ill with a disease though.
I love this reading. I appreciate how it doesn't deny or overlook the fact that we might have feelings of hate -- I certainly had those feelings -- and it does not judge me for that, but it suggests a bigger perspective. It does not even suggest that I should squelch my angry feelings, just that I should redirect them towards the disease, not the person, so that my feelings for the person can be replaced with something more positive.
Even now that alcoholism is not present in my daily life, little bits of hurt and anger can still try to sneak up on me, but after time and practice -- lots of time and practice -- (slogans, steps, sponsor, service) -- I can redirect them. Like you, Sunny, I can remember the many positive traits of my "motivator" -- and these are just as true as the fact he was an alcoholic and sometimes did things I could not understand and did not know how to respond to.
It sure is complicated -- but with program I can handle it.
Most certainly my feelings are what Inhave to deal with daily.
I.can most certainly have strong feelings in certain situations
I had extremely fierce feelings about my family.of origin and of course the qualifier.
Now that I have a certain amount of program under my belt In can certainly appreciate those that have helped me.
They are many persons. Indeed even those who have attempted ed to denigrate me have helped me. By casting assertions kn my program they motivated me to excel
My recovery has been possible despite the pandemic. I seriously doubt I would be able to travel this road without that program. Success is indeed sweet when it finally arrives
Thank you Debb for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares and ESH. Well....I was raised not to hate. I spent the majority of my life not using the word in many situations where it truly was the best word (I dislike (hate) liver), etc. What this 'rule' did for me or to me was make me an extremely, extremely angry person so by the time I arrived in Al-Anon, whether or not I used the word, others around me kept their distance as I was a judgmental ticking time bomb with misdirected anger, resentments and hate spewing in all the wrong directions.
I don't and have never hated my A(s). I don't even hate their choices, actions, words, etc. I hate what this disease does to people - us and them - as it seems to bring forward the worst possible defects in both. I've spent my time in recovery retraining many learned behaviors that I have distorted or used to my advantage (manipulation) for years and years. It's not an easy process, yet with practice I see improvement.
For me, unless/until I love and accept unconditionally all that is happening around me, I am blocking myself off from the sunlight of the spirit. When I hang out in the past or the future, I'm still keeping my HP at a distance. When I judge others, in any form, I am (again or still) relying on my ego & self-will under a pretense that 'I know better'. My life is easiest when I just own my distaste for all this disease brings in all affected, and then focus on acceptance. I will never be perfect, nor do I expect to be. My A(s) will neither. My parents - Nope, my friends - Nope, my employer(s) - Nope, etc. Realizing that there is no perfect person, family, spouse, child, parent, employer, job, house, etc. helps me find extreme gratitude for all that I do have vs. what I have not.
So, I still am reluctant to use the word hate regarding another person yet have become more willing to use to relative to things. Progress, not perfection, is such a lovely tool when I feel restless, irritable or discontent.
Happy Thursday all - starting my day golfing and then picked up curb-side groceries! I'm 'done' for the day and grateful for that as anything I opt to do now is 'bonus'...make it a great afternoon/evening...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Debb for your service, and to all of those who shared their Truth regarding the topic.
This stood out to me: "...hate is love that has become distorted due to distrust and hopelessness."
I am thankful today that I do not have to live in a perpetual state of distrust and hopelessness. I am confident that my HP has me in the palm of her hand, and is looking out for me... so Just for Today, I will not fear.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks everyone for the honest shares. I gave myself a deadline a few days ago to stop the back and forth of should I stay or should I go. When I want out, I romanticize what my life used to look like when I lived alone in between marriages. When I focus on AH's good qualities right now, I discover he is a beautiful soul afflicted by a terrible disease. He is making changes and it's my unreasonable expectations that diminish the light. It's been suggested I start on a Step Four. Perhaps it's time I put pen to paper because your combined shares gave my heart an ache...
Love and hate. I don't know if i love my stbxh any more which still makes me feel sad. I definitely don't hate him. I just feel tired to think about all the years of doing the denial dance. For family members it is similar. Tiredness. David your share was heartbreaking yet familiar. Today NZ has the family protection act which in some circumstances over rides a will. Basically if a person can show they were owed a duty of responsibility by the deceased, courts will hear a claim. I know it's water long under the bridge now, but perhaps it is vindication of sorts to know that not all of society approves of alcoholic behaviour. Goodness aren't we a resilient bunch of folks on our board.
In my generation young people who went into girls and boys homes would often tattoo 'love' and 'hate' across the knuckles of their four fingers.
& 