The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life at home has been emotionally up and down. We start the evening off good, but then it turns sour when the A feels slighted or he is not getting his way. Funny thing is, he asked me to get a life!! He asked me to take care of myself and do the things I like to do. There are things he asks me to do that he really doesn't need my help on. I think he wants to feel like he's important and being taken care of helps him feel appreciated and important.
For example, the other night I had an Association meeting for the condo. Big changes that I needed to hear, it took longer than expected. He was so pissed because he bathed the kids and did the dishes. O.k. I thanked him and apologized for the length of time it took and let him that I really needed to be informed. He didn't care, he was mad because he wanted me to clean up do the dishes, and cut his hair. He was tired and sunburned from this new job I empathized, he didn't have to anything, I expected to come home and do it. What is that? Help out, get yelled at because he helped out and I failed to come home on time. I get the kids to bed and say, give me a minute to relax and make a couple of phone calls then I'll cut your hair. Well, my calls took an hour, OMG!! he was miffed again, and felt unimportant and slighted by me. I made a call to my sister to apologize for the other night, then I called her mom. I began justifying and defending, not working.... So, I said, you are important and I'm sorry I took so long. No go, he was not hearing or accepting it at that time. I walked away, left it alone and jumped back on the phone with another friend. ( Way to go me, normally I would continue to try and talk him out of his anger and help him understand my point of view, when he's like that its best to leave it alone.) The next morning he was fine, at least that's what he said. Until last night, he absolutely needs new work boots, contact, blister treatment, etc. O.K. he's in pain i see this clearly. I suggested going out for dinner before we do all this, but we got nothing done. The kids were unruly in the department store, he got angry and we left, went to try and get his contacts, the man behind the counter couldn't help him, he got angry we finished our shopping, but before that he had to yell at the kids and tell me how selfish I was and no one would help him out. When I said I'm so tired I can't give you a haircut, more guilt tactics. This continued until after the boys went to bed. He finally says I think you are purposely keeping this going so you don't have to help me tonight? I said that's sick... I walked away calmed down and came back and bandaged his toes and rubbed out the knots in his back. He apologized. Finally I said I don't know what's going on with you but since last Thursday you have been grumpy and completely irrational. Are you unhappy again? He said no, he's just on edge and grumpy, I simply said try to have more patience with us we don't deserve to hear you rant and rave because the world is not giving you what you want.
Part of my sickness was the deep need to be needed and meeting other's needs before my own helped me to feel important and valueable. Now that I feel value for myself and self-worth and lovable I have not felt the need to "do" for everyone. I still feel the pull in my gut to please my A, that is hard because I want him to be happy. Problem is me "doing" things that he should do is not going to help. Being a "helpmate" has its boundaries as well, which I am still learning about. No remedy for his mood, all I can do is be quiet and go about my evening, I feel guilty sometimes when I do that. I feel like I'm sending the message of "sorry you are not happy, I don't care I'm going to do what I want to make me happy". I must have learned early on that when other's were not happy it must have been something I did. Need to look at this deeper. Sorry this is long, just venting and getting out helps me put it into perspective.
Hugs to all,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I eat myself up with the guilts too. My A knows that and uses it quite a bit. I am trying real hard to be honest with myself this week, and see if my guilt is waranted or not. (hasn't made it go away), but helps me to know if I should do something different, or if what's going on is ok and just so different from what I am programmed to do that I feel those pains.
Sounded to me like you felt guilt, because he is not able to feel compassion for your schedule. Probably one of those guilts you don't own. *g*
Take good care of you, I apprecate your strength and your posts. They help me as we are on similar paths. I am certain they help others too.
Thank you for being here!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
HI - I am assuming he is newly sober,which I lovingly call Stark Raving Sober. They don't have a life and assume that we will give them one. Undivided attention etc. I too watched myhusb struggle with his sobriety for 3 yrs until he finally finally calmed down . Drunk or sober an alcoholic is always and alcoholic and I always will react to his behavior. Al-Anon keeps this in perspective for me someone suggested that to continue to treat him as IF - as if he was still drinking (which for me simply means to work my program.
Your hair cut senario rang a bell with me , my hsb was the same NOW was his attitude regardless of what I was doing. So one nite I announced to my family 2 sons and husb that I am no longer cutting family hair period . I worked at a salon and if they wanted hair cuts they know where to find me. First example of the word NO can be a complete sentence for me. hehe.
Keep the focus on yourself and you will be just fine. The fact that u stood up to him and said that you didn't need his mood is a good thing. it is difficult for them to understand that our world no longer revolves around them. and it also scares hell out of them to see that they are loosing control . Oh well !!!!!
This resonates very much with em just now, I really needed to read your post. Thanks.
I came across something in a novel I was reading yesterday that hit me like a ton of bricks. One character says "My dad always warned me not to let people push me around for too long, because when you stop letting them, they act like they're the victims." I see that in many ways, this is what is happening in my marriage. I am learning to protect myself, he sees this as a coldhearted betrayal. I just need to find my own path - not falling back into old habits, but not REALLY abandoning him. I'm sure there is a middle way.
I made a call to my sister to apologize for the other night, then I called her mom. I began justifying and defending, not working.... So, I said, you are important and I'm sorry I took so long. No go, he was not hearing or accepting it at that time. I walked away, left it alone and jumped back on the phone with another friend. ( Way to go me, normally I would continue to try and talk him out of his anger and help him understand my point of view, when he's like that its best to leave it alone.) The next morning he was fine, at least that's what he said. Until last night, he absolutely needs new work boots, contact, blister treatment, etc. O.K. he's in pain i see this clearly. I suggested going out for dinner before we do all this, but we got nothing done. The kids were unruly in the department store, he got angry and we left, went to try and get his contacts, the man behind the counter couldn't help him, he got angry we finished our shopping, but before that he had to yell at the kids and tell me how selfish I was and no one would help him out. When I said I'm so tired I can't give you a haircut, more guilt tactics. This continued until after the boys went to bed. He finally says I think you are purposely keeping this going so you don't have to help me tonight? I said that's sick... I walked away calmed down and came back and bandaged his toes and rubbed out the knots in his back. He apologized. Finally I said I don't know what's going on with you but since last Thursday you have been grumpy and completely irrational. Are you unhappy again? He said no, he's just on edge and grumpy, I simply said try to have more patience with us we don't deserve to hear you rant and rave because the world is not giving you what you want. 