The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading in C2C, the author shares about the moment they were able to accept that alcoholism is a disease, which allowed them to more easily separate the person from the disease.
The author had been convinced that their loved one could stop drinking if they wanted to, after all, the author themselves had stopped smoking.
Then, one day in an Al-Anon meeting, someone shared that the disease of alcoholism was like the disease of Alzheimers - we watch our loved ones slip away without their being aware of what is going on or being able to stop it. They look normal on the outside, but become more irrational and difficult to be around. Moments of lucidity bring us hope that they are well, but these moments pass. Eventually we may find ourselves resenting the person we once loved.
Today's Reminder: When I accept that alcoholism is a disease, I am forced to face the fact that I am powerless over it. Only then can I gain the freedom to focus on my own spiritual growth.
Today's Quote: A family member has no more right to state, If you loved me you would not drink, than the right to say, If you loved me you would not have diabetes. Excessive drinking is a symptom of the disease. It is a condition, not an act. A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic
------------------------------
I grew up with a grandfather and "aunt" (my mom's best friend) who were in the AA program, and the concept of alcoholism being a disease was something I grew up knowing. For me, I didn't think "If you loved me, you would stop drinking" when I realized that my wife had a problem. I thought "If you loved me, you would get help." Even that belief, I have come to see, is not acknowledging the power that the disease of alcoholism has.
I spent the early years of my adulthood working in memory care facilities on 3rd shift. Thanks to these experiences, I have a very clear understanding of the irrationality and difficulty of Alzheimers. The moments of lucidity in today's reading hit me especially hard. It helps me to understand something I've been struggling with for a while. Every once in a while, my wife will seem to be present. She can maintain that for somewhere between 8 hours and 2 days. Those instances give me hope, but they are not lasting. They give me a reminder of why I decided to marry her, and why I've stayed with her over the years. I've been disappointed each time these moments pass. I have hoped that they would stay, or become more frequent as she continues to abstain from alcohol. But, the thing is, she is still not receiving ongoing treatment. She is still not focusing on her own recovery, and so the disease is still running its course, with or without the presence of alcohol.
I certainly wouldn't take to heart any irrational thing one of my former clients said about me, because I understood that the disease was in control. This does offer me a way of thinking about my wife's disease in a different way, and a reminder that I can separate the person from the disease.
We have some tulips proising that they will make an appearance in the coming weeks, and I'm looking forward to my summer garden already! I hope you make today a great day!
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks for your service and share Skorpi, and this reading and your ESH are exactly where I am today. My wife is working with an new OA sponsor. She does not think of herself as an alcoholic because when she wants to stop drinking she does. Last week, I saw a more mature and reasonable person. Over the weekend, I saw a depressed and mostly non-verbal person. My inquiries as to what was wrong fell on deaf ears. I forgot about no bread being at the hardware store. I temporarily hoped that things could be better. I put my emotional guard down. And just like the reading above says, those lucid moments may come, but without recovery, they will quickly vanish. And of course they did. Funny thing is that I feel more clear this morning (had my F2F on zoom last night). I feel re-committed to myself to detach with love, and have been reminded in many ways that alcoholism is a cunning and complicated disease. I must stay the course with alanon.
Thank you Skorpi and everyone. You are just what I needed. An hour ago I wrote a diatribe about my AH because yesterday he was in "fine form" and it put me back in that place of fear. Yep, drinking or not, the disease does progress if left untreated. I told myself he better get help or else I'm through. There was no love or compassion flowing through my veins. Anyways, I accidentally erased it (guess the universe was having mercy on you) (smile). I went for a walk and when I returned, AH was on the phone with his psychiatrist...sounds like they've been hatching a plan (without my knowledge) to connect him to a therapist. He even mentioned reconnecting to AA! I was stunned. I had ignored his behaviour yesterday...yeah...guess my input is not required. I will stay in my lane...Have a fantastic day.
Thank you, Skorpi, and everyone who has shared. Coming to the realization that alcoholism is a disease was a huge turning point for me. I did not get this awareness until after my loved one had passed away, but it brought me to the point that I could begin the process of forgiveness, so I did not have to carry that rock of resentment and anger with me all the time.
Even so, when a loved one has a serious, progressive, debilitating illness that is stealing the person we fell in love with -- that is not easy. It brings a lot of grief. Day to day life can be very challenging. I am so grateful that Al-Anon is here to help people each day, one day at a time.
Happy hump day MIP. Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your ESH & shares. When I arrived at Al-Anon, I thought I might have a 'leg up' as I was already sober in AA. That was just part of my own insanity - and my desire/need/want to try and control others as well as try to control the disease.
I felt I came with the knowledge and understanding that alcoholism was a disease. What I did not have and did not know I was lacking was acceptance. Knowledge and understanding did not help me on my journey in recovery - acceptance is and remains the key for me. I spent many years agreeing Alcoholism was a disease and I felt I had 'done good' because I stayed sober. Yet, when the time came for me to face this disease as a family member, none of what I knew, who I was, who I am was of value without a complete surrender and full acceptance.
I have come to accept also that denial is so much broader than I can define or fully understand. Not just in myself but also in others. This disease in my loved ones has made me go back and remember how incredibly difficult it was to get through 24 hours without some mind or mood altering substance. It felt like years, it was a continuous, painful battle to not reach for the crutch I'd used to survive, one day at a time, for so very, very long. Upon awakening, it all began again. Getting sober was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life except for staying sober.
My spiritual journey has been the one constant from day one. It was non-existent when I began, grew slowly as I returned to some level of sanity and has continued to be ever-present, ever-changing and a blessing beyond words. This disease is greater than I, more powerful than I and all around me most of the time. Yet, so is my HP and when I stay focused on what's within my hula-hoop and have faith in the power of the God of my understanding, I truly do feel all is well no matter what's going on.
I can see the pain in the eyes of the alcoholics who still suffer - mine and others. I am reminded that this disease is cunning, baffling & powerful and that I am powerless over it. I may often not know what to do next, but I do know that I don't want to add to that pain in another human, not now or ever. It is the strength of this disease that tells an A it's OK to have 1-100 drinks. It is the strength of the disease that suggests to family and friends it's a choice, and why does it ..........
I now feel much more freedom in my role with accepting alcoholism as a disease. For myself, I need to treat my disease each day, one day at a time. For those with it around me, I need to unconditionally love them and unconditionally accept if they do or do not treat their disease. It's their's, not mine, and no matter how much I want them to be happy, joyous and free, my job is to accept and love them.
I went to donate blood today, and my iron was too low. I will return tomorrow and try again. It's funny how one small set-back in my plan for my day can twist my mind a bit and make me question my worth...clearly, there is more to be revealed and I'm grateful to just be open, one day at a time. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello. I am late to this one. I feel like I am playing catch up lately. My Covid vaccination made me not feel well and I am still feeling exhausted.
I accept that it's a disease and that I am powerless. But just as with any disease that a loved one may have,isn't it so hard to not want to help them or take care of them? I mean, it's kinda natural to want to step in and try to take over,make sure they're doing what they need to do in order to get well. But, just as anything else, it's ultimately their own responsibility to take care of themselves. We can't do it for them.
Addiction "seems" different than any other disease though,doesn't it? It's viewed differently by much of the population and there's so much stigma because it's perceived as self inflicted. Where I live,people are horrible. A few years ago a woman with very young kids OD'd and I couldn't believe that people on Facebook were saying "good riddance, I hope they all die".
I just made myself sad by typing that. But I guess maybe that's what I need to feel at this moment in order to have a little more compassion today for those that are suffering with the disease.
(((Skorpi)))). So sad when you see somebody you love dearly sliding down that slope of alcoholism and what it does to the body and mind, my brother is still very spot on mentally, but his body is starting to go. He called me up and was telling me that he gets spasms really really bad and so I told him to get some magnesium glycinate and also some calcium and to drink lots of water and I think hes doing it because he said he doesnt have to literally eat Aleve. But he is still drinking and all I said was that the alcohol will dry him out and I told him to put some molasses and salt and some lemon in his water to help like a homemade Gatorade to try and keep him hydrated but I told him that and I even texted him the step-by-step instructions what to do and he said something like well I guess my drinking is sort of two steps forward one back--and all I said was that it was his body and his choice in his life and that I loved him but I was not going To go down that codependent rabbit hole of trying to plead with him and try to control him. I told him I was going to stay in my lane and pray for him and that he has the things he can do to help himself and its up to him. And then he asked me if I hated him because hes drinking and I said no--I hate the disease, but I love you. And he told me he was really pleased about my attitude not getting mad and yelling at him and all of that that I used to do and I just said that Al-Anon has helped me become in the realization that I can only help and change myself. That I have not the power to change him. I told him I loved him no matter what and I asked him to keep in touch as much as he can. But you know accepting my powerlessness--accepting that I can do nothing--zero--to help him stop drinking, though it hurts like hell, I am at peace and I am keeping my serenity because Im staying in my own lane and I love him one day at a time. One day his friend Who is from Germany who lives in Massachusetts with him and they work together, I am waiting for him to call me someday and tell me the worst news a person could hear but I just go one day at a time with him. Ive got him now. Ive got him today and thats all I think about. He still has his wits about him but his liver is swelling according to his doctor he is in the beginning stages of liver problems. He wouldnt go into details and I did not try to dig. All I said was that I would pray for him and that I loved him and that was it
It is the toughest thing in the world to see someone you really love not want to get into the program for whatever reason he was in it at one time--and he was sober for like six months because the courts made him go to AA and he had to be sober For I think six months to get his license back and I hoped that may be that would kick it off, his wanting to recover but as soon as he got his license back hes telling me all just one drink thats alland I knew once he said that, I knew to detach with love and to stay in my lane and I didnt say a word. And hes been drinking since so yeah I hear you, all of us with a loved one who was in the situation, I think God for Al-Anon because it helps me stay detached and in my own lane. And I used to think detachment meant not caring, but that is not the truth--detachment with love is good and healthy self-care but yet we are still loving the other just not getting tethered to all that disease and drama--sometimes he calls me up crying drunk and I just tell him that Ive got company Ive got to go and I just got off the phone. He knows not to call me but he slips. And I just enforce my boundaries and lift him in prayer thats all I know what to do
Thank you for your extraordinary share about te disease of alcoholism. I have of course always been surrounded by alcoholism throughout my life. The feeling of powerlessness that that circumstance brings is an extraordinary challenge
There are certainly many aspects of an alcoholic that can appear attractive. Their ability to relish the day st hand being one of them. Indeed every addict I have known was resolutely focused on this moment avd this moment alone. Since being present was a challenge for me that capability seemed to be quite comforting
Almost from the moment this pandemic hit I have been swept up in the chaos of the moment. Indeed for me the vaccine brought on a feeling of not being at all well that has not dissipated at all. Therefore to be around someone who.can find moments of serenity in being immersed in the disease is so critical. Detaching, setting boundaries and of course planning ahead are some of what have been instrumental in moving through these extraordinary times
I have been working diligently on finding meaning out of my life circumstances. It is so important to have companionship,inspiration and relief during that journey. I am truly grateful every day to be in this group which I found by chance.
