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I haven't posted much lately, my AW has been threatening to leave on a daily basis because I just won't stop trying to fix myself. By my count we are talking 50 days in a row where she explanes she just can't live with someone who goes to "those" meetings.
She got really pissed last night, because after 30 minutes of her complaining and me saying nothing I said, " I understand what you are saying, I am sorry you are upset, but there are issues I need to work out and this group helps me do that."
She told me that's all I ever say anymore. I took that as afirmation that she heard me... <sigh>
She is so upset that I am destroying our family by not being willing to bend to her will on this. I told her, the honest truth is without this program "I" would be the one looking to leave, because I was so upset inside before.
She has set up a bank account, and has reserved an apartment for the second week in june. (Our aniversary...)
You know... I have not been getting too upset about this, I am not happy, but I am not frantic and I am not making myself crazy about the future. I am trying real hard to only make future plans for me, not guess what she might do.
Her declariation today at lunch was "... you just won't compromise, so I will just have to make plans to move on ..." I told her I love her, and I am doing the best I can. That decission is one she will have to make.
I know that she feels she has done something to drive me to this. I understand, but I can't make her feel differently any more than I can make her stop drinking.
I have done the best I can to let go. As I let this all sink in, all I can do is be grateful that my HP lead me kicking and screaming to this program. I have no other explanation for it.
Thank you all for your support, you are all very special to me.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Wow rtexas! Good for you. You should be so proud. I only hope that I can be as calm and settled as you are.
My husband is threatening to leave at the end of March and I am unfortunately frantic and worried about the future. I did order the alanon books so hopefully those will help too. I haven't had time to go to a f2f because I am wrapped up in finishing school. I am guesssing those meetings helped you. Your attitude sound wonderful.
Your posts do not sound to me like a person who is rigid and uncompromising is writing them. So i'm wondering' if your A, is like my ex who has had the long time belief that if I don't do something the way my ex wants, then that means I am an uncompromising person. SO, with that logic, if someone wants me to do something that hurts me or another person, and I refuse, then that means I'm not willing to compromise? I don't think so -- though it is hard when in the throws of a conversation and living day to day with the person. Keep taking care of you ...
I am sorry it is coming to this. You are certainly not alone. I filed the paperwork yesterday for an uncontested divorce. I am told it will take 20 or so days and then I will have to appear in court. Meanwhile, my ah is packing his things in preparation for leaving on April 30.
We were only married 1 year and in that year I came to several realizations: (1) I cannot live with someone who does not EVER tell the truth. Who lies constantly, who is untrustworthy. I deserve better than that. (2) Even if I live my whole life alone with on one to talk with, and no one to care about me, it is still better than living with abuse. (3) It is much better to live in a calm, stable environment without the daily drama and trauma alcoholism introduces into your sane world. (4) I feel better when I don't have to worry that my life is being put in jeopardy by his drinking.
I'm hoping that you will continue to feel comfortable and secure with whatever the outcome is.
A's can be all talk, it's a lot of work to move, does she have the energy to take on such a task? Keep staying in the day, and whatever tomorrow brings, we got your back. You have given me wise words, I know you know what to do. Follow your program and you will be just fine.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hi rtexas! Sometime being true to ourselves does seem to entail losing some things or people in our lives--if only temporarily--while they sort things out for themselves too. It's terribly difficult, and seems to ask the absolute ultimate in courage from us, But what else is there that we CAN do, once we know it?! Keeping someone in our lives at the expense of our true selves is just too high a price for me to pay, anymore. And it seems you know that for yourself, too.
There's a couple of lines from a poem called "Waking", by Theodore Roethke, that I like a lot, and such situations put me in mind of this poem:
Aloha rtexas and what a great share with great followup!! Thing is you were sharing my story also cause men are members also right? Having program isn't good for the alcoholic and boy they do react to it! Selfish to the extreem it's all about the alcoholic and if life doesn't come out their way? well then I'll find another way of getting my way. How do I know this? I am one and I also marry them. This isn't the way to "double winning".
And she has her choices and character which are not my job to direct or fix. My most important relationship is a vertical one first before I can have the others and I have found that the vertical one is more stable while the others are subject to so much insanity. I learned in recovery that loving a person and needing a person are opposite sides of the pole. Today I love. I don't need her in order to have a peaceful, serene life, one in which I am spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically stable. If she chooses to be gone that's her choice. If she chooses to continue to act crazy and irresponsible that is also her choice. If she chooses not change the things that she can in order to be part of the relationship it's not a good relationship.
I am an enabler!! That is what I do and have to change. When all the things I do for her comfort results in me being uncomfortable? I'm doing the wrong thing and I need to make other choices also. God, My HP does not put me in a headlock and demand that I follow him all over the place. God gives me choices. I cannot control nor am I responsibe for my spouses happiness or sadnessI those are her choices and she should have the dignity to have the consequences of those choices. While she is making her choices I am making mine and turning the process over to HP.
Thanks for your right on share. That's what keeps me coming back.
well she is good rt, can't live with someone who insists ongoing to this program??? Interesting but you are expected to live with active alcoholism. hmmmmm something wrong with this pic. If I hdn't found alanon when i did I too would have left the marriage al-anon is the reason i was able to stay and still get happy. Which is whats bothering her at the m oment , your life no longer centres around her and that is a no no . There is nothing worse than when someone in the house is getting happy and it ain't YOU . she knows she's loosing ground and uses her threats of leaving to try and regain control.
a separation just might be what she needs , will give u time to work on yourself and her time to reflect cause remember she needs you alot more than u need her. My husb and I separated for 6 months along time ago it was the best thing that happend to us in along time , he left our home too , in that 6 months I found out that I was going ot be okay with out him , sure I missed him and wanted him home but could not live with things the way they were. and inthat six months he found out that home was where he wanted to be and became willing to do what he had to do to come back. Sober and AA or he could stay where he was.
that was 17 years ago now , and he is still sober and we just celebrated our 40 th so ya never knowwwwwwwww/ easy does it
Funny how after WE "bend over backwards" for so long & then once we change even a little... well the A's just can't stand the fact that we are not being manipulated by THEM anymore.
I wish my A would have moved out, to go continue to be his junkie self instead of torturing me & forcing me have to abandon my entire life, things, career & friends of 17 yrs. Running away from him was the hardest thing I had ever done but he wouldn't let up on controlling & running my entire life which progressed into major isolation, pyschological abuse & emotional torment.
Sure they think it is creepy that you are getting better, changing, not doing everything they want anymore... A's don't want anything to change, least of all 'their comfie ways of abusing themselves & those around them.' My ex used to say b/c I suffered from suicidal ideation ~ that he "would never kill himself, tomorrow is another day I can get high."
I am so glad you are not getting bogged down or too overly distraught about her threats & are able to focus on yourself.
I know my problems are rooted deep in my family upbringing & I haven't been so strong & slipping back into 'stinking thinking' ~ I know I am the only one that can consciously pick myself up, change my thoughts & go on... as hard as the work is & I sure don't want to do it sometimes, feeling futile & hopelessness ~ only I can.
Keep your chin up, I'm proud of you & you are an inspiration.
love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I'm so sorry this is happening. You have shared with us how difficult a time your AW is having with your progress. I can see program coming out in your post and you sound calm with a good resolve that you are doing the best that you can, which I'm sure feels great to you. It doesn't feel great when our spouses can't see our progress or validate it and be happy for us. Your AW sounds miserable with herself and I'm sure you are right she knows that she has contributed to the pain in the family, but she is not ready to surrender that its her drinking and her behavior that is destroying herself and your relationship. It's easier I think for them to walk away and blame us so they can continue drinking and their belief systems. The sad unfortunate thing is that she'll be alone, I have come to realize that not many people would put up with an alcoholic and their behaviors, our sickness and now our healing has allowed us to accept the truth so we may continue loving our "a's" with dignity and respect for ourselves.
You can't stop what she will choose to do. I understand that well... Let her choose what she believes is best for herself and you choose what's best for you. The healing begins with us, at some point she will see how happy your life has become and she will want what you have, peace, serenity, and happiness. Then she may come to the resolution that she needs help. It could take, weeks, months, or years. I admire your silence and calmness with her, I think when I get quiet and shut up for a while it drives my A mad because I can see he wants a fight. At that point I could say the sky is blue and he'll jump all over it. Good for you!! Don't give her an inch to blame you unfairly, she has to choose for herself. You are doing great, keep moving forward, you never know what may come of this.
Blessings to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
