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My battle with the tissue box goes WAY back. Today in our f2f we were talking about boundaries and I was identifying with so much that was being said. Here in the safety of my own home in the MIP meetings I have no problem crying if I feel the need too. Today in my f2f I was struggling with that control over crying or not crying. I had to ask myself why I was finding it so difficult to do in the rooms of my new home group. I have cried in meetings before…so why was I finding it so difficult here? Then my eyes caught that damn tissue box and it occurred to me…that’s it! It is that damn tissue box. Then this tape started running in my head of the last few people I had seen crying in that meeting and how someone, very kindly, picked up that tissue box and handed it to them. Well…guess what…I don’t want anyone handing me that damn tissue box! Sooo….when it was my time to share I set a boundary for myself. I was shaking and half crying while I did it, but I did it. I explained to my group that when someone hands me a tissue box it is like a signal that I should stop crying. I know they all love me and care for me but it doesn’t make me feel safe when they do that. I don’t expect people to remember that they should never hand me a tissue, my hope was that I could just put it out into the public domain and get it out of my head. I did start to cry some and I managed to wipe the tears away all by myself.
Several people after the meeting came up to me and shared that they felt the same way. In addition, they also observed that when someone does pick up that tissue box during someone’s share, it disrupts the flow of that person’s share. I didn’t count on it affecting other people in that way, and I didn’t feel “brave” for having said what I did. I just continue to share my feelings for me. So, today…I cried in a meeting out in public and I am still here to talk about it. For me…that IS progress.
Hi...I always wanted to be a Sparkette!!! Sounds so fun.
Your post gives me food for thought. Yeah....if I need to cry, I prefer to just get over it, without interruption. I never really thought about interruption...I'll keep this in mind next I'm tempted to interfere with another's cry.
We all have our things, lol, for me --- just don't touch me! I haven't a problem crying around a table that keeps people from hugging me . If you hug me, to me it's the signal to turn off the tears, that I should be okay. Odd huh? We all have our differences, for me it was the weirdest thing to tell someone, "just don't touch/hug me" lol. Can you imagine how they felt? I too just want to let it out and then you can give me a hug. Just writing this down makes me laugh, I'm a weird creature -- but I can say it is a great thing to figure out what it is that helps you to let things out and what things prevent you from doing just that.
Relate totally to what you've all said so far. Makes me feel worse if someone hands me a tissue. You can hug me when I'm feeling good, but don't hug me when I'm down!!!! strange isn't it??? I must be weird lol
Buy some stock in the tissue companies and I bet that feeling goes away.
How about carring those personal size packts in your purse, so no one has to hand you anything and you can grab your own, when you feel it it is necessary, without the public interruption.
I'm feeling old with this thought, but how about MIP hankies, we could carry them and know that we are carrying MIP everywhere with us. Could have mens and womens. Ok, who here embroiders?
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hi Sparky. I found your post and the replies really thought-provoking. Personally, if I'm crying and someone hands me tissues I see it as a gesture of recognition, reassurance, support and comfort. Like someone saying "I see your pain; let it all out, in your own time, I'm here if you need me". I don't see it as 'permission to cry' because quite frankly, if I need to cry I'm going to whether I've got permission or not lol. Also, when I cry I don't do it daintily, like some, then those tissues become a necessity not an accessory! I used to 'cuff it' as I felt too embarrassed and self-conscious to stretch across the table to fetch them for myself, so I really appreciated it when someone who wasn't likely to leave unwelcome deposits on the furniture did it for me! I now carry my own pocket tissues at all times so I don't have to 'cuff it' or rely on someone-else to pass them to me.
When I hand someone-else tissues, this was also the spirit in which I was offering them. It never occured to me that it could be read as a signal for them to stop crying. I would hate to make someone feel that way! I believe tears are healing and that the pain/sadness which induced those tears is 'better out than in'. Your post has made me realise that I don't know how others will interpret this gesture including the longer-standing members in my groups. Now I feel a bit 'scrunchy' as I'm not sure whether I should stop passing the tissues, especially to a newcomer. The message in the rooms is that 'this is a safe place to feel and express your emotions' and I'd hate to think that in such a small action I could in effect be perceived as saying 'stop your blubbering' or worse interferring in their cry/share...how dreadful!
When someone has cried during our meetings, I can't say that I've noticed any untoward disruption but then I wouldn't necessarily as I was seeing it from my viewpoint of it being an expression of love in the rooms. Hmmm. I wouldn't hug someone during a share as to me that would break the flow and I am aware that not everyone welcomes such physical contact, especially if they've experienced abuse.
At the end of meetings I still say something about a hug before I do it as it respects anothers physical boundaries. I'll say something like "Do you do hugs?" or "Is it ok if I hug you?" Once, a newcomer declined but then I still felt awkward as she looked uncomfortable for having rejected me. I, of course, didn't feel rejected and tried to reassure her that it was perfectly fine with me but she looked somewhat sceptical and I hoped it hadn't 'scared her off'.
Thanks for sharing this and I'm glad you found a way to express what was making you feel unsafe and preventing you from healing.
((((((((Sparky))))))))) LoVE YoU. I'll try to remember to ...to wait.... (unless asked to hand em' a tissue) to reach for a tissue or hanky. I appreciate very much your point of view. THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP! LOL Its very interesting to see the different prospectives on such a sensitive, important yet awkward moment topic.
Part of the reason I hesitated initially to share this experience was because I knew it could make people feel bad. I decided that I had to let that go for myself and just share from my heart because you all know that was in no way my intention...just to share something so deeply seeded in MY heart. There may be a time in my recovery where I will be willing to accept that kindly offered tissue. It is a control issue I have with myself and my history. I have never felt that the particular person offering me a tissue was trying to hurt me, but in a moment of intense emotion I quite often don't think clearly. Yeah we can ALL identify with that. So often I see my mom in front of me, and there I am again a small child being shut down in some small way - or ignored.
I also would like to add...that yesterday after this post and f2f meeting I think I cried like 5 times LOL. I even cried on the phone in a public area with a fellow Alanut. Go figure how healing that crying was for me yesterday. I need to give myself permission to take care of me and sometimes that is going to include crying...what a concept!
I love the generosity and compassion I see in the rooms of alanon and in the confines of this website. I love how much love and respect I feel here when I do share my feelings that you all are willing to just listen and accept me for who I am. Every day I feel more and more like that woman I am meant to be...and again I am close to tears :o)
Sparkette, your topic and its responses are very interesting. Like some others, I have always considered the handing of a tissue or box a sign of understanding, caring, and responding in kind. Our minds work in different ways. Hmmmmm.... maybe the proper response is something like, "Would you like a tissue?" Anyway, most thought-provoking. Thanks. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
. If you hug me, to me it's the signal to turn off the tears, that I should be okay. Odd huh? We all have our differences, for me it was the weirdest thing to tell someone, "just don't touch/hug me" lol. Can you imagine how they felt? I too just want to let it out and then you can give me a hug. Just writing this down makes me laugh, I'm a weird creature -- but I can say it is a great thing to figure out what it is that helps you to let things out and what things prevent you from doing just that. 
I now carry my own pocket tissues at all times so I don't have to 'cuff it' or rely on someone-else to pass them to me.
YoU. I'll try to remember to ...to wait.... (unless asked to hand em' a tissue) to reach for a tissue or hanky. I appreciate very much your point of view. THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP! 
LOL 
Its very interesting to see the different prospectives on such a sensitive, 
important yet awkward moment 
topic.
