The material presented
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level.
I have known my spouse to be an alcoholic for a decade. It became obvious his behavior was apparent to everyone- when preschool called 5yrs ago. Despite promises and low dark moments, he wont seek help. Where his low point lies- is much farther than I can follow.
I reached my breaking point with him at the start of the year; I filed for divorce shortly after. He now has an apartment, but how can I help him stay there? I worry, as his first days there were severely intoxicated, but I cant control him- I can only control me. I am trying to move forward in that mantra, but feel pulled back by concern for his health & safety (we have 3 children). I still let him get to me- how he describes our separation/ how hes behaving/etc... but I know this is my issue.
But how do I move forward when hes in the house and doesnt leave? I agreed to unlimited visits as long as hes sober (we are still working out divorce details). He agreed to be sober when here, but today he drank while I was at an appointment with our son. Hes passed out now- and Im wondering- what has really changed?
Am I expecting change too quickly? I feel to find my way forward I need to stick him in a Lyft/Uber when hes like this- I need space to heal and take stock of who I am now and how I need to improve. but his mother asks me to let him stay, and Im sucked back into the loop.
Im in a dark place and want to find a way out.
Welcome to MIP TeaP. Speaking for myself, at times I move forward, stand still, and can go backwards. I think thats just life. You have a difficult situation and you have to figure out whats best for you. Perhaps the rules have to be changed as situations fluctuate. Of course you and your kids safety comes first. I wanted to change my A, but learned that I couldnt. What I have learned is that I can and am changing myself. Its a long haul with much practice needed, but our program does work. Keep coming back because help is here.
Wow. Sounds like a lot of super challenging issues. It is going to take a lot of work shifting the focus off him and onto yourself and your own peace of mind/self care. As a natural result of you being in this relationship for so long - you have family members of the alcoholic (his mother) and him that view it as both their job and your job to enable him (it isn't). Basically, in a similar situation I got gaslit to believe it really was my job to care for and enable the alcoholic or else I was a bad person. It seems like the challenge is going to be you learning to set boundaries without feeling guilty or that his alcoholism and choices as a grown man are because of you or your fault.
In my experience, in order to avoid people stealing my serenity, I needed to set boundaries and if it upset them, or they choose to self destruct, blame me....whatever....that was their issue (much as I might have felt bad for them) and to cave and save them from the consequences of their own actions was really not helping them like I thought. For me - at this point, nobody gets to pass out in my house, refuse to leave or be trashed in my presence. That's my boundary - I chose to physically detach from alcoholics as I needed to in order for me to stay sober (I have to work an AA program here) - So for you, figuring out boundaries and sticking to them will be the path to sanity. I can't say what those will be or what it will look like for you as this is the father of your kids and it's more complicated than what I went through in many ways, but alanon is the way to figure all this out.
TeaP - so, so sorry for the pain you're having. The disease and the diseased are unintentionally exhausting. My experience is that I had to find a way to focus on me, put me first, establish healthy boundaries and then stick to them. Mine would also 'test the waters' or 'bend the boundaries' and it was confusing, frustrating, sad and so maddening.
Boundaries can be changed when/as necessary. They are for you and your sanity/protection, so if/when change feels needed, go for it. It took me coming to Al-Anon recovery to learn that Yes and No are complete sentences. I also learned to stop JADE - Justifying, Arguing, Defending and Explaining. Taking care of myself is a full-time job some days. Add to that children and you've got a full plate! You have every right to find a way to live a peaceful, joyful life. We are not ever held hostage by others actions/words/choices nor the past.
When life was spinning around here regularly, it really, really helped me to focus on just one day at a time. Hang in there and keep coming back - you're not alone!
PS - your post appeared twice so I removed the duplicate. Just FYI!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 9th of March 2021 07:16:04 PM
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
