The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have called my husband a dry drunk. After reading here what "they" are he does not fall into that catagory entirely. He does do a program but he is a hell of alot more dificult to live with than when he was drinking. He is now so controlling, demanding, deceitful, manipulative, lies etc. He has verbal explosions, tells me I'm unfit mother and thatif we divorce I "must stay in the house if I want the kids. If I don't want the house I cant have the kids. He tells me I am the crazy one and I need help. I have already been through individual counseling while he was drinking and been released. He has also told me once when I had left w/kids while he was drinking that he tried to kill himself..so I shut up and stayed. He was stashing money away since Sept 05 and opened his own account(bank) also. He has blocked my access from the joint account the day after I told him to leave in march and he only puts in money when I say I need money. We have been separated since. We have 2 kids. He will be sober 1 year in May. I have not attended al-anon because he resents me talking to others about him. He for many years would get angry if I read anything, talked to anyone whom might give me a clue about him. Now, that Iam taking a stand for myself he is more vengeful and despise me. And he tells me this is all my fault...everything. We will be meeting this week to talk about what we will do next...divorce or stay together.
what a difficult situation. and confusing i bet. alanon is for you so you're in the right place. keep comming back i know you will hear what you need to to make the decisions that are best for you. just know that you are understood here, welcomed and loved.
First, welcome, and thank you for sharing. We learn and lean on each other, by sharing similar stories.
I, too am married to a dry drunk (sober 2 years). I don't worry too much about whether he fits a profile, just try to get by and help myself recover.
I've left, and returned several times in 30 years. Manipulation is my A's greatest tools...thru the years he has always told me I'm the one who's "crazy" and I think he's in denial, and that makes him feel better. I no longer respect his opinion on this, but the years of hearing it have done some damage to my self esteem.
Somebody told me, here on the message board, how the A feels threatened if he thinks we are in recovery...that's why they don't want us to seek help and companionship. My A, too, gets angry if he thinks I talk to anybody...the first thing I hear is "were you talking about me?" I celebrate my little victories and pray to my HP to help me through each day.
Again, thank you for sharing with us...I feel less alone, knowing others share my situations, in some way.
((((((((((((((9to you)))))))))))))))) for today, I BELONG TO ME
i can't give anyone advice, but i suuuuure hope u stay in the program............as u get stronger/ healthier about U, U will make right decisions whether to leave or stay....
u will learn how to take care of U..........i am sorry this is all happening to U......i know when the s*** is hitting the fan on me, i go to meets, and work the hell out of the steps.....rosie
In addition to what I shared he has taken up smoking, in my opinion as a replacement for the drinking. He also has many prescriptions that in my opinion he would not need if he would admit to his issues and seek professional help and not just AA. He has a history of prescription drug abuse. Honestly, if I had the means to leave I would. But I don't. No job(although I'm looking), college drop out(looking to go back), no place to go. These things cant happen as quick as I would like. it does not appear that he wants/or willing to change.
He is still running your life , he's gone but dosnt want u to go to Al-Anon???? Please I hope u find a meeting and fast . regardless of what happens between u , u need support from people who understand what your dealing with . We don't talk about THEM in al anon we talk about us and how to make our lives better . Ego is an amazing thing.
Please get help for yourself , your worth it and your kids deserve one sane parent. Louise
Hi Regrets and welcome. Regarding the 'dry drunk syndrome'; it is possible to be attending a program but not 'working' it. Working the program on a daily basis is what changes our thinking and behaviours and leads to genuine recovery. It is an honest program and about honest living. In my opinion, controlling, demanding, manipulating, lying and deceiving are symptoms of the illness. There could be several reasons for him not wanting you to go to Al-Anon but it's occured to me that if you were attending meetings (face to face and online) and working a program yourself, it would be clear to you whether he is working his. I'm not saying you should be taking his inventory, you shouldn't but I personally would be inclined to ask why it is ok for him to get help for his disease but not ok for you to get help for living with the effects of it. Even though you are now separated you have still been affected.
If you haven't attended Al-Anon face to face you may not be aware that actually we are not supposed to discuss our alcoholics. It's not about saying he did this, that and the other. The focus is on us. We discuss how alcoholism has affected us. We share what we have learned about the tools of the program, how we have applied them to ourselves and our lives. We talk about any difficulties we have in doing this and our progress or successes. Recovery is not just about attending meetings. It's also about working the slogans, steps, and Serenity Prayer. Understanding the Traditions helps with a sense of fellowship and belonging. We're encouraged to get a sponsor and other members phone numbers to walk the walk with. It is suggested we read literature to better understand alcoholism and it's effects. We share our experience, strength and hope with each other in order to recover.
On a personal level, my experience was that my A progressed from alcohol to other drugs when the alcohol stopped having the necessary effects on him. He could 'do' either or both. He also had no aversion to taking my prescribed medication if he had access to it! He found it relatively easy to put down the drugs but carried on drinking. When he decided to go to AA and stop drinking he started smoking pot. I'm not sure if this is the 'smoking' you refer to or whether it's just cigarettes (nicotine is also addictive). Either way, alcoholism is an addiction and it can be common for 'addicts' to change their drug of choice. This is still the disease. "Alcoholism is a progressive illness which can be arrested but not cured." qouted from the Big Book. However, please be aware that some are 'purely' alcoholic.
My A and I were separated before I found Al-Anon. We did reconcile when he started attending AA as Al-Anon had taught me I could 'be happy whether the alcoholic was still drinking or not'. My personal choice was that if he continued to drink I no longer wanted to live with an active alcoholic. Even though we both had programs the first year of recovery was tough. Recovery is also a process and takes time. I could see from working my own program that he was trying to work his, in his own way and his own time. Today I have been in Al-Anon over 5years 7months and he has 2years 8months continuous sobriety/recovery.
I hope sharing this may help you in some way and it's entirely your choice whether you want Al-Anon or not but I hope you will give yourself the chance to get better and give both you and your children a happier life, whether your A is part of it or not.
