The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found this group by chance months ago , and posted a couple of times whilst at work ... these seemed to be my darkest hours and somehow i coped with the situation i was in .My partner ( the A ) however just seems to be on a rollercoaster of self destruction ... a cycle of drinking when he has money , which isn't often , he works a week or so then disappears for days on end . He loses that job , stops drinking whilst he finds something else , then it starts all over again . I have been sole provider for my two children , whilst my A treats my home like a doss house , believes he has a right to be there as common law husband . The last few weeks whilst he has been working , he's not arrived home until midnight having finished work at 5.30 pm... drunk and abusive . Last week however i truly believe i hit rock bottom and lost control in front of my children , which upset me so much i vowed never to let it happen again . I have now applied for a restraining order against my A , and when it comes into effect , he wont be allowed anywhere near the house .I realise i can't help him because he doesn't want to help himself , he wont seek counselling, doesn't believe has has a problem , think's he's in control of his drinking ..... 3 years down the line , nothing's changed and i now have to look after me , so why do i feel so guilty about removing him from the house , and how do i cope with these feelings , feeling like i've failed to cure him and leaving him homeless in the process
Remember the 3 C's You did not cause this, cannot control it, and cannot cure it.
I feel guilty when I make decisions based on my best interests, that are sometimes negative to my A too. I think I feel the guilt because I do not always believe I am worth making his life uncomfortable, and also because I am a caretaker by nature. It seems cruel to make a choice of not doing something I am capable of just do he has to care for himself. In my head I know it is best but in my heart it hurts.Getting past those thoughts by keeping busy and letting my guilty feeling go up to my HP are the ways I release them.
hate to hear about another person sufferring from this horrible disease. Please try to remember he does suffer from a disease. A disease that you did not cause.
Prior to recovery, I felt guilty about everything that happened to my loved ones that seemed to hurt them. My sponsor called my attention to "false" guilt. If I set a healthy boundary for me or my household and one of the "a's" in my life doesn't honor that boundary, then sometimes they will suffer consequences. But that was their choice, not mine - so why should I feel guilty about it.
This program has taught me the difference between healthy compassion and false guilt. When I have those guilt feelings, I try to look at my part and if I have done the "Next Right Thing", then I have to let it go and let my HP handle the rest.
Keep coming back - there is great recovery here and at f2f meetings.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You cannot cure him, only he can seek help when and if he is ready. None of this is your fault.
You are also not leaving him homeless. His drinking is doing that.
You are protecting you and your children from the consequenses of his disease.
You are in the right place. Here at Alanon you can learn, that taking care of you is not just something it is alright to do, it is what you have to do. You and your children deserve to be well.
learning not to feel guilt when we do what is best for us takes time.
Realize that you are not alone, we have all been where you are.
Learn all you can about this disease, read the Alanon literature and try to get to some face to face meetings. Work the steps adn make yourself happy and healthy. You deserve it.
((((((((((((hugs, cytagirl))))))))))))) So glad you found us (btw we have a chat room that has on-line mtgs twice a day... M-F 9am/9pm, Sat 10am/9pm and Sun 10 am/7pm all in EST.
It is good you have put a restraining order on him, not sure what state you're in, police in different areas seem to be more responsive & caring then in other states, when it comes to domestic abuse.
I would personally have the locks changed, ake sure your windows are al secure. I often think about getting a taser (sp?) since my A threatened my life SO many times, and the entire family. I'm in TX, most ppl here carry guns, I would never get one, I would use it but a taser (even though I know some self-defense know) you can at least get someone on the ground 40 or 50 feet away (I believe they can go that far) and if another does have a gun, no self defense will help.
In answereing your questions, the answer is a def YES, I still feel guilty, partly b/c we aren't used to facing ourselves, dealing with us & not constantly having our focus on the A.
You couldn't "fix" the disease b/c it is a psychological disease - u cannot fix another person - you can only work on & change yourself. I see a lot of Al-anoners, feeling guilty when it comes to setting boundaires... I see that this is what you are doing, protecting yourself. Only you can change you, think for you, control you & only your A can change themselves.
I do know from experience that when you change, set boundaries & begin to get well from this family progressive disease... it does make A's angry as they are losing control/manipulation over the family. I think some A's can be extremely dangerous in the beginning... make sure you contact the police anytime you see him driving by or trying to get a hold of you.
I don't have kids but know from others, when the A's see their old 'buttons' not working they look for new ones, a lot of abusers get at the kids to get to their 'significant others.'
Hang in there & get as informed in your community as you can, take care of yourself, if you don't love you who will? Well A's come out of the woodwork seeking an enabler... I'm ACOA, a lot of us learn this behavior from our childhoods, so there are some deep things dark issues in our pyshce's that we have to face to let go of & change. The guilt you're experiencing is just one of them but can be caused from MANY "old tapes" or "old behaviors."
I know I did wtvr i could to make my mother happy & felt insignificant & inadequate all the while, so basically - nothing was ever good enough. I always thought if someone loved me, they would be happy about me bettering myself & making positive changes. Love is a verb an action, not manipulation ~ in the beginning a lot of us suffer from this... & fall back into old thinking, that we ought to put them b4 us.... That simply is not true nor is it what 'healthy ppl' do or put up with.
Focus on yourself, take care of you & your children.
love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Guilt always comes with pushing away someone we loved at one time or still do, but can't allow them to be in our lives. Guilt is just a nature response at first, but our internal, rational instincts will kick in and tell us that what we did was for the best for all concerned. When you think of what is best for the kids are you still feeling guilty? Your motherly instincts kicked in, andsaidthis has to stop, my kids can't see this and I have to get control of my life again.
You did exactly what you needed to do, for you and your children.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Guilt is a normal feeling because you loved this man. I can't add much more to what these wise and wonderful people have said here. But now is the time to be good to you and focus on your recovery. You must not loose yourself in their disease. It's easy to do, and I've done it many times. Don't be so hard on yourself. The rollercoaster ride comes with the territory. It's how you hang on during the ride, that will determine wether or not you thow up after it or get off it and stand strong. I have great faith in you that you will be standing strong at the end of the ride. You can do this, and we have your back.
Keep posting and come join for the meetings. We'd love to have you.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
