The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading suggests that detachment is a choice we can make. The author noticed that it was easy to detach from the moods of casual friends -- but with family members, it was hard to avoid taking on someone's negative moods and attitudes. The solution was to pay attention to their own mood before taking on someone else's -- to be able to have a good day even if someone else is struggling -- and to let everyone feel what they feel without interference.
Today's reminder: If I pause for a moment before focusing on someone else's mood, I may find out that I have feelings of my own that deserve attention. I will look for those moments to check in with myself today.
Quote from Detachment: "We let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves."
I'm going to try the suggestion -- to deal with my own feelings before taking on someone else's. I have a dear family member that, whenever it's time to speak with them on the phone or in person, I get very anxious in advance -- because of troubles they have had in the past, when I did not know how to handle their feelings and my feelings -- and I worry myself that those troubles will come up in our conversation and I won't know what to do. More often than not, it turns out that my fears about the conversation were groundless -- but I still feel them.
It makes sense to get myself mentally fit in advance of having these conversations. I need to remind myself that I do not have to take on someone else's feelings, and if I get depressed because they are depressed, well that just makes two depressed people, and that doesn't help anyone. I've found that slogans really help me in these situations. I probably need all the slogans when I'm feeling this particular anxiety, but especially "How Important Is It," "Keep it Simple," "Let go and let HP," "This too shall pass."
-- Edited by Freetime on Friday 12th of February 2021 12:46:28 AM
Thanks for your service FT and for ESH from both of you. Detachment is one of my survivor tools, as I am married to an untreated alcoholic who is sometimes active. I have found that alcoholics have unstable moods, lack consistency of personality, and anger can arise on their end our of nowhere. I spent many years just feeling blown away by all this insanity. After practicing detachment now for a number of years, more times than not, I can do it. It's a matter of keeping my boundary so the wave does not drag me down into the sand. I am a separate person and I can continue to be at peace, no matter what my A is doing. Most of the time now, I can keep my head over my feet. I'm able to be OK when the tide is rushing in. Progress not perfection ODAT!
Thank you for this share, FT, and for your ESH Debbie and Lyne!
I really like the topic, and as usual for me, today is one of those days when I feel that the reading is shouting at me, lol!
I, too, am married to a sober but untreated alcoholic, and the pandemic hasn't been easy - I rely so heavily on my Alanon groups, friends, and co-workers that not seeing them has given me A LOT of practice at detachment, along with my other Al-Anon tools. Last night I found myself "going to the hardware store for milk." I had dealt with some really heavy issues at work, and wanted to talk about them at the end of the day. In the process, I forgot that the other human in the house is not capable of being the listener I needed. Checking in with my feelings of annoyance and frustration at everything she said helped me to realize that what I needed was not something she could give to me, and this was my clue that I ought to detach from what she was saying, thank her for listening, and not speak any more about these things with her. There are other people in my network who I can talk to about these things, and, as my German mom says, "tomorrow is a day, too." I will have plenty of opportunity to unpack what I'm feeling and thinking with my sister on Saturday, when we are planning to chat. In the meantime, I can focus on what I need and what I am doing.
Hope your day is going well!
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Yesterday made 2 weeks without a huge fight with AH. It's so amazing that I am able to say that. After the one week mark I honestly didn't think it would be possible to go another week but I've been able to. We have had little disagreements but not any chair throwing, verbally abusive hate and rage flinging throw downs.
My motto this past week was "it is what it is". Instead of getting so hurt and so upset I would think to myself it is what it is and what good would it do to say anything about it? And that's true too,saying anything about most things just makes it all worse anyway. This detaching stuff really helps and works.
I'm experiencing some peace and serenity at times and it feels sooooo awesome. That's most important to me now, more important than being right or anything else.
Omg Im so grateful for MIP. I may not have a sponsor(yet).I may not be going to f2f meetings(yet) but just by being a member here I am making some progress.
Greetings all....thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares & ESH. I readily admit that I was a bit nasty this morning to my AH and slammed a couple doors. What I did not do is BMW (Bitch, Moan & Whine) - I let my 'slamming' speak for me. I truly stopped trying to figure out why A(s) do what they do and instead just use our tools and slogans - how important is it? Let Go & Let God, etc.
Well - for an unknown reason, while I was in the shower, my AH decided to take the trash out (it's trash day). In the real world, not at all a huge deal yet I typically gather it and then he takes it to the curb. So, he just took 'what he had' and left a ton of trash uncollected. If I were getting good rest, spiritually centered, etc. this would not be a big deal yet when it's below zero with the wind chill, I have wet hair and need to make a trip to the outside curb, it did not sit well with me!!
It is what it is. What's improved for me with this program is I was able to apologize and not dwell or obsess on it. I got all layered up and ready to head outside, and he came up to collect and do it for me. We laughed about it - huge growth and so not typical of how it used to be. Before this program, I tended to obsess and dwell on all that 'I had to do' and all that 'he wasn't doing' and how screwed up everything was and .......................................... Today, I can just detach from silly things, clean up my side of the street and move forward.
Every tool this program has given to me adds value to my journey at some point or another. When I keep the focus on me, practice this thing as best I can and let my HP lead, most things make sense to me at some point even if they don't at first. I'm another grateful member of Al-Anon & MIP. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
