Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Courage to Change January 27

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Skorpi, thank you for your service and today's reading.

Wow, putting feeling into perspective and/or looking at the whole enchilada is key isn't it!

I did have a tendency to focus on one issue at the time instead of the whole situation and

blowing things out of proportion was definitely something I did more often before Al-Anon.

One day at a time has saved my sanity and outlook on life. I can remember, for example,

AH would give me a hard time, still does, about the electric bill. I would have a melt down

when that happened, now when he questions my use of the dryer or dishwasher, intimating

that I am using them to much or too often, I remind him in a calm manner that I am not

doing anything differently and am sorry if he thinks so, that there must be other reasons

for the $$ increase and there always is a utility increase or change that he is overlooking.

I no longer fret about it anymore when he asks and no longer feel he is pointing his finger

at me like I am doing something wrong. That is key, not feeling cornered is such a great

feeling, because now I understand how an "A" functions and do not take the chaos and

gaslighting personally. Thank you MIP and Al-Anon!! {{HUGS}}

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Skorpi for your service and for all the above great shares. It was just this morning while eating a muffin, that I had my very own Ah ha moment on this very topic. When I return from my home near my son after 3 days, I am looking for my A to show a sign that she is happy I am back. And she cant, because she is furious that I have been gone for 3 days, even though there is communication of some sort each day. And so every Saturday I have been suffering the same disappointment and confusion, and we nearly have a fight each week, with the same dialogue, which I have been participating in. So this morning I realized that I have an expectation that cannot be met. So why continue to have it? There is no bread at the hardware store, and there is never going to be any! So this Saturday, and each and every one in the future, I shall practice my Sunday mantra: acceptance, detachment, practice. I can get myself out of this insanity because program has taught me how. Grateful member.

SunnyFrogs · Senior Member

I had to laugh about the unwashed dishes because it just sounds so silly.

That's basically how silly I was yesterday though. Ah's breathing was bad and I asked if he had used his inhaler. Instead of a yes or no answer he gave this long story of how he didn't know where it was, he needs to get a new one, etc.,all the while knowing exactly where it was. It really, really got to me because I read so much more into the situation. I could have told him where it was and that be the end of it. Instead I started lecturing him about how he's an adult, he should know when to use his inhaler, I'm tired of always reminding him, tired of worrying about him when he clearly doesn't take care of himself. That lead to me wondering and asking if he wants to die, maybe he needs to see a psychiatrist, he needs to get back on his antidepressant...and on and on.

I t didn't go well. But I don't even think I needed to let you know that, did I? LOL

I did that to MYSELF. I created my own problem.

I know I need to let go of that need to try to be caretaker of his health. Stop treating him like my child that's not capable of caring for himself. I mean, surely he will use the inhaler when his breathing is bad enough. If not, I guess I could call 911 if need be.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

aww Thanks for the daily reading, Skorpi- and Hi Sunny, Lyne, T-T and Debs... smile ...

For me it is more than dishes- it is the washing, taking out the garbage and other stuff. I sat in the rooms with much older people- all women. The attitude of the older generation with regard to relationships was: "out of the frying pan and into the fire." A bit of novelty, and a roving eye was always a bit of a temptation. Sticking around at any cost was not an option either.

My SO has an addiction and compulsion that is not alcoholism, but I applied the Alanon tools anyway. For many years she was like a cave bear in spring- each and every morning. So I used the Alanon tools anyway and practised kind and loving detachment. I would make small-talk in the mornings. Plan shopping around an evening meal- that sort of thing.

It has worked. Saw the darkness lighten in the face. Saw a bit of light from time to time.

Brene Brown says- always dance with the one who brung ya. But I never brung anyone else into the programme. Not from within my family, anyway. As I have gotten older I have mixed and met in Alanon a certain amount. During my journey I have seen the status of women change most profoundly. I was able to focus on my mum's journey, in this regard- and strongly appreciate these changes as a force for good in the world.

Divorce was rampant in my family of origin, as was drinking. I do not regard the steps with all seriousness any more. Much more relaxed and easy. Very much a way of life, rather than a dominating doctrine. Making life pleasant and relaxed- at least much of the time...

...no longer fearful of imagined consequences.

I am not of a generation who expects everything to be slick and span all of the time. I might see the dishes done once a day.

I prefer hand washing to the dishwasher. I like to know where things are- so putting away is routine, but important.

aww Thanks for the share... aww ...

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the topic and share Skorpi. This resonates in a big way and I become agitated when I feel or fear loss... my monkeybrain then shifts into overdrive and off I go. I have focused on sharing my needs and wants and I think I've been clear... but I'm not really sure if I've done a good job... at the end of the day, I can only do my best and am only in control of myself. Perhaps what stands between the relationships is what is unacknowledged... it seems that most people I'm coming into contact this week (myself included) have little, if any, reserve. Doing my best to tap pause and redirect at least until I can feel more centered.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your ESH & shares. There is absolutely no doubt that my mind can create all kinds of turmoil where there isn't any, project all kinds of catastrophic future events, etc. I am grateful for our tools that allow me to pause most days to determine what is really, really important and what is truly bothering 'me'.

I've come to accept that no matter what my AH is/is not doing, we are very, very different folks. The 'man cave' where he spends most of his TV/Sports/Guy time looks like a cross between a bachelor pad & a frat house. I could not 'live' there or that way, yet he's unbothered by messes, dishes, dust, etc. I am one who is orderly and anal and organized, so we are very different. It was my sponsor who suggested that if I don't like how he does something, trying to change him is not the answer...instead, change me.

Just within the last year, I've stopped cleaning the entire kitchen before I retire. I now will not worry about it - if it's clean, good. If not, good. My AH is a late night snacker, so there is always dishes in the sink in the morning!! I would come out to make coffee, and get derailed by cleaning 'this' up. For no good reason other than I like clean, order, etc. 'This' has nothing to do with needs - it's about control so I've allowed myself to let go of many things that were truly not that important.

I'm reminded each day by just how life unfolds that I have a choice to be uptight or relax, be kind or withdrawn, be positive or not, etc. I'm having a rough week emotionally because of my friend's passing and my AH just keeps checking on me....it's not typical so I know this is his way of caring/loving. I am grateful for a different perspective through recovery and a loving HP who will always protect me when/as needed.

Happy Wednesday all - I returned and was able to donate blood today. My iron was 'just high enough' to get it done. I'm relieved as this is one small thing I committed to do when the pandemic began and I've been religious about it. I can now let it rest for 8 weeks, until it's time again. (((hugs))) to all....

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

The former roomate let his entire house go to hell
Currently he has no hot water
As he lives in such complete chaos he likes to spread it around.
His alcoholism has brought him to that place of having his place be awful. He is a hoarder too .
I was determined when I discovered this craziness (he was nkt like that before) that I was not going to step in
That was like the qualifier who let the electric be cut off. He let the phone/internet be cut off too.
Dealing with this is easier said than done
I am waiting for a lot of things to fall into place currently.
I am planning to move but there a few so many logistics ir rather boxes I have to tick off to make that happen.

I am not moving to get away from the former roommate.
However getting to a point where I do not have to inter act with him is one of my goals. I have other really really unpleasant people to deal with .
One of them I have to see tonight for the last time. He is an incredibly obnoxious lying nasty person. He goes down the trash to find things to complain about
I cannot wait to see the back of him
There are many hallelujahs coming!

I will be singing from the rooftops

Maresie

-- Edited by Maresie888 on Wednesday 27th of January 2021 10:37:43 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene