Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: January 7, 2021 – ODAT – Detaching From The Hurt


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 131
Date:
January 7, 2021 – ODAT – Detaching From The Hurt


Todays ODAT reading suggests that when something unkind is said or done to us; that hurt our feelings, that detachment is the best way to turn the hurt feelings off,

until we can figure out what our responsibility is for the unkindness.  Once we figure out if there was something we did to cause the unkindness, then well have an

opportunity to make amends, if necessary.  It is recommended in this reading that we refrain from ignoring and/or challenging the unkindness immediately and its

suggested that "I will let it go; least said, soonest mended, and nothing can hurt me unless I allow it".  The reading suggests that it is the way we process the

pain of that unkindness and that if we react to quickly and not investigate our part, that we actually hurt ourselves in the process and if I am understanding correctly,

can cause the situation to escalate, instead of finding the personal resolution, if there is one to be had.

Todays Reminder:

Let me not take to myself, and suffer over, the actions and reactions of other people.  Other adult human beings are not my responsibility, no matter how closely their

lives maybe intertwined with mine.  I will not allow myself to be troubled by anyone else; my one problem is to improve my own way of living and looking at life.

 

God teach me to detach my mind from what others say and do, except to draw helpful lessons and guidance from them.

 

My ESH for todays reading concerns dealing with my Mother, who got married to my 19 year old Dad when she was 18 years old and 4 months pregnant with me

(she does not realize that I know, she would be very embarrassed).  Mom's parent's basically disowned her and moved out of state and for that I am sure she felt

very abandoned.  I do not know if this is the right wordage, but I always felt like my being" was an emotional crutch for her, from my very young age.  I never

bought into her neediness because it is, so not in my nature to be clung to, and as she got older her feelings, of what she perceived as me rejecting her, escalated

into just plain meanness.  Enduring her wrath was terribly disconcerting; it has taken me several years to peel back those layers to reveal the reasons for her lashing

out at me and in the process was able to find the guidance from HP to improve my relationship with her.  I have been able to forgive, detach with love and accept

her reasons and mine, in order to find personal peace and serenity.  Needless to say, I have never spoken to her about any of this, it would just stir up a hornet's

nest of emotions that are better off left to rest.  As long as we are both happy at this moment in time, is the ultimate objective.  Life is to short I say!!

 

Hope everyone has had a wonderful New Year start!!

 

{{HUGS}}



__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 1853
Date:

Thanks Debb for your service and ESH. This is an important concept, not to react immediately and to check my own behavior, when treated with poor behavior. My A provides me with almost a daily opportunity to practice, and over time I get better at detachment, acceptance, and a host of other important tools that I can use. I've come to regard my own peace of mind/serenity as a priority. I've suffered years of misery from a variety of people and situations that I did not know how to protect myself from. Now I have our program and it works! Grateful member, progress not perfection.

__________________

Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2495
Date:

Thank you Debb for your service and ESH. Lyne, you too as well.

Early on, I read Iamhere's tagline about Practicing the Pause. This reading reminds me of that slogan. As I grow in my healing journey, I find that pausing is the best "go-to" solution for me. I used to be reactionary... I believe b/c I had to. I had to be quick to put out all the fires, or to thwart undesirable consequences from sharing a life with the addict... or to cover for things I was so embarrassed over but had zero control over.
Thankfully, I no longer need to live that way. Practicing the Pause is good.

&

__________________

"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  ~ Mary Oliver

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 932
Date:

Dear Deb. 

I am so grateful for your service 

Detachimg from the hurt is indeed an onerous task 

I.am working on my boundaries all the time. I certainly live in a dsgunctionsl world. I not only have to work on my.boundaries. my expectations are key to.examine 

 

I am really resolute on having  life that is less volatile, less tumutuous but most of all calm. Calm is the goal 

Of course that will not happen overnight 

When I came to these rooms I was totally exhausted.  I was triggered to the point of exhaustion 

I lived most of my life in those states either frozen in a deoression of hyperaroused triggered desperately with no.respite.  I had to rely on others to try to soothe myself 

Now that I know more about complex ptsd I have a clear idea where I need to be. I have a very clear idea how to get there because I have studied how to go about that 

For me starting the new year in this mode is truly revolutionary 

For once the concept of putting myself first is working out. I am looking forward to reaping the rewards that go along with that 

Maresie 



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 10996
Date:

Happy Thursday MIP! Thank you Debb for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your ESH & shares. I will always readily admit life, people, relationships, etc. baffles me greatly. When I am faced with 'these' things, my brain just doesn't compute/process well. My first thought, response/reaction that pops up is rarely, if ever proper simply because the affects of this disease on me are ever present.

It would be so, so nice if my brain would 'go to' - this is going to be great news!! when another asks to speak to me in private. Nope, that's not how I am wired. My first brain thought is, Uh-oh what did I do wrong now? It is only with the tools of this program, the grace of a Higher Power and that tool of PAUSE where I can consider the facts in front of me, and reflect on the moment at hand. I will admit readily that I was a rebellious child from birth, and so even at the age of 58, when one asks to speak to me privately, I feel as if I am being summoned to the principal's office still all. these. years. later.

I've worked hard to practice 'this' - examining my brain/gut first level response to people, places, things, news, etc. With 3 male passionate, stubborn and opinionated alcoholics + my own 'like' person, if I didn't use our tools and pause as often as possible, I would live in a perpetual state of hurt/angry/disappointed - rinse and repeat. This is who I was and what I was like when I arrived and lordy be - I don't want to be her any more.

It's easier for me to consider the facts in front of me, reflect and choose a response that's healthiest for me - not for anyone else. So, so grateful for the gift of choices!

As it happens, without intending to bring in 'outside' topics, I can admit that with the unfolding events of yesterday, I was originally shocked. I watched TV all day as it unfolded. I processed extreme anger at the situation and the people engaged and profound sadness for our country and all the pain people are feeling. Today, I am still very sad, yet seeking hope in the future by choice. When things like yesterday happen, a part of me would prefer to throw blame/shame outward, get all angry and holier than thou and then wrap myself up in that anger and complain about it for a while - a day, days, whatever.

What recovery has taught me is to feel what I feel and then determine if there is any action I can take to heal myself, be of value and help others heal. It is in the use of our tools that I find my center, my serenity, my joy and my peace, one day at a time.

Love and light MIP family....be gentle with yourself - take good care of your heart & your health - let it begin with me! (((Hugs)))

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 932
Date:

I am here 

Thank you so much for your shsre 

Indeed I am shocked.by the events of this week 

I have to say that while I am doing an admirable job on track.Now it is the world out of control. 

We have all been in crisis for almost a year now.

As someone with complex ptsd I am certsinly not immune from crisis.  Nevertheless we are way out of control and have been for some time 

I am not apportionung blame but on many levels federal state and city no one has been able to cooe for some time 

I look forward to the day the vaccines are widely distributed.

Until then I have to really work hard on detachment 

It is really oainful to be stuck in this place  but this is where I am. I have to start from where I am. 

One insight I hsve is that instead of covid giving ne more tine it has taken time away from me in every possible way 

Maresie 

 



-- Edited by Maresie888 on Saturday 9th of January 2021 08:16:15 PM

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2805
Date:

Thanks Debb for posting Odaat and to all sharers. I'm focusing on the reminder today. "Let me not take to myself, and suffer over the actions and reactions of other people." I recently had an encounter with my sibling through text. They sent some things I felt were inappropriate and I expressed without judgement of the sender not to send more things like that and told them love you. Their response was sarcastic and personally critical of me. I can't know for certain but possibly they were drunk texting me even if it was early in the morning. Alcoholism is at work 24/7. I did respond more firmly saying be a grown up. To be completely honest, I said be a f'g grown up. I am not sorry for that statement. This is not the first of these texts that have been sent. My responses to those have either been no response at all or single words like gross or yuk. Now, I upped it to drawing a boundary by saying what I meant and not saying it mean concluding with "love you," and still I was bashed. This is what led to telling them "Be an f'g adult." It could be enough to sever all communication from them for years. They informed me they will no longer send me ANYTHING! No surprise this has included the birthday card and money gift typically sent to me. So be it. It's all or nothing with an active alcoholic. I am glad I won't receive these texts with things they find sickly amusing. I'm grateful the program is there to remind me that I am not responsible for nor have control over the actions others choose to take. I voiced my feelings about the inappropriateness of what I was receiving for me. I can't change my sibling's inappropriate behavior, influence their inappropriate behavior nor in any way do I feel responsible. We are all born with free will. No one makes us do anything. What my sibling and I share is that we are both in our own way affected by alcoholism. I'm in recovery. They are not. This doesn't mean I excuse away they're unacceptable behavior or take responsibility for them by time and time again saying "It's the alcohol talking," while suffering the consequence of they're actions. There is no need. Sometimes to confront, to state what is true for me can greatly influence the degree of my serenity and sanity. My earliest years were spent walking on eggshells. I only ask for the same courtesy and respect I try to afford others. I realize this a tall order when communicating with someone active. I've been carrying a heavy heart these past few days but grateful Alanon helped me regain my voice and for the courage to be true to myself. It can lead to unfair consequences when up against the insanity of active alcoholism but my hp continues to lovingly guide me to the next right action. When ready, I will likely reach out to my sibling again by phone or card/letter. There will be mo further discussion of the texting for me and hopefully we'll move forward together rather than separately. TT



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 9th of January 2021 06:48:44 PM

__________________

Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 2562
Date:

 

  My SO is OA rather than AA... but has the same underlying traits. Very canny with money so we don't have that extra trait deal with aww. But just yesterday she began scapegoating me again. Projecting her own stuff. She is sneaky eating at night again too. So i have to bump up my detachment. Not too hard. Familiar territory.



__________________

Each Alanon member is my teacher.                                                                                                                  

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.