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Post Info TOPIC: My daughters dad


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My daughters dad


I am new here, not able to go to a meeting in my area because of covid. I will try to summarize this. My daughters dad didnt come around to wanting to meet her until she was 8 months old. She is now 2 and he has been living with us for a year. He really didnt drink a lot at first. Every once awhile it was every weekend, then he would go months not drinking. The past three months or so, he has been drinking every night. Once he tried to get in the car to drive her to sleep, with a beer in his hand, and he got mad at ME for making him get out. Other times we would be up camping and he would be drinking all day, then think he could drive us home. We have only ever been out to a party a few times, and every time he could never stay sober to drive. I have told him I dont want him drinking in front of the kids every night, but he justifies it by saying hes never out of control. Although, he does pass out drunk when hes supposed to be watching her. Last weekend, we went to the snow and I said no drinking, which I dont think I should have to even say. He bought beee on the way and I said he might as well take us home if he planned on drinking it, but stupidly I trusted him. He got out of the truck to adjust mine and my two kids sled he was pulling behind the truck, with a beer in hand. We wouldnt stop, and continues to drink behind the wheel with the kids in the car. Its the most helpless I have ever felt. The next AM I let him know we would never be going anywhere with him again. He told me its my own personal issue, he can have a few ciders and drive fine. That he will do that with his daughter if he wants because he gets to decide whats best for her. So that night after work he came home four hours late, wasted- and tries to go to bed. We got into a huge fight, and he punched a hole in the wall, and cursed at me in front of my 7 year old. He says he wont stop drinking and driving and its my issue because I dont want him to be happy. I made him leave, but I almost had to call the cops. I havent seen or heard from him since. Its hard to feel like its the right thing when my daughter is crying for him every night, but I know it is. I fear for when he decides to come back around, and if he ever tries for any custody what a battle it will be because I know I cant truly trust her with him. We deserve so much better, and I dont know anybody else that can relate. On the way home from the snow, he chugged two beers when we stopped behind the truck and lied about it.

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Jessi Thorne


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to.this group. This is a good place to start from with issues. I certainly had many miserable Christmases with my qualifier. My qualifier also indulged in driving erratically. Needless to say he was also inebriated 

Moreover he also became more agitated and aggressive if I confronted him. 

That is s tall order to have to deal with for Christmas. 

The good news is that al anon can helo immensely.  Al anon can certainly helo with learning new skills to cooe with where you are.   This is not a bad place to start from 

I am glad you reached out

Maresie 



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~*Service Worker*~

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{{{Jessiray}}}. (Those brackets are hugs.). Well I can relate to your situation and Im sure many here on the board can. My A drank and drove often, not caring who could be injured or killed. To take the action to protect loved ones is difficult, but something to be proud of. A little child cannot understand but you are the protector and that is correct.

Alanon helps me to cope, feel better about myself, have some peace while the A continues to refuse help, and just overall gives me tools for life that were found no where else. If nothing else, I encourage you to write on the board. Many of us attend alanon meetings on zoom and I believe the board has meetings as well. No one except your A would argue against keeping your children and yourself safe. Please dont ever feel guilty about that, and the police respond to numerous domestic issues so use them if necessary. :)

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Lyne



Senior Member

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Welcome Jessiray to MIP, glad you found us and are able to confide!

I do want to say that I am also sorry that you have to deal with the chaos of alcoholism.

Having children in the mix makes it even more difficult, because you are trying to protect them

and deal with the drinking/ramifications as well.

On this board, you are able to access the 12 Steps, which are a great way to begin the

reading the helpful ways of Al-Anon. stepwork.activeboard.com/forum.spark

I know that most local meetings have been tabled because of the pandemic, but you can start

here on MIP if you wish. We are here for you, please keep coming back.



-- Edited by Debb on Monday 28th of December 2020 12:00:09 PM

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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie

a4l


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Welcome to the board.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP Jessieray - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too am sorry for what you are going through and how the pandemic has limited all meetings for most of us. I do suggest, if you've not yet, visiting the official Al-Anon site - it will give you access to phone meetings, email meetings, video chat meetings, etc. There is also tons of information on their that can help you get started with recovery...

Alcoholism is a chronic disease that is truly never cured. It can be treated, when one gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. AA is one means of recovery for the A (Alcoholic) and Al-Anon is for friends and family concerned about the drinking in another. You certainly qualify to join us and any other Al-Anon support you can find!! Several things helped me when I first arrived and continue to do so today...The 3 C(s) - didn't Cause this, can't Control this and can't Cure this. My sponsor also always used to ask what I would do if it were a friend instead of my A or a stranger instead of my A. In your scenario, If I spotted a stranger who was under the influence getting into a car, I'd call the authorities. She suggested I should be willing to do that or more for those I claim to love. It certainly made sense to me - what had me confused and pausing so, so often was fear of retribution/retaliation.

Al-Anon has helped me focus on me. I've gained much clarity, designed boundaries, learned how to detach and just do the next right thing as best I see it. I also learned in Al-Anon to try and live one day at a time, and not project into the future too much. It just doesn't serve me well - instead to manage life as it unfolded, one day at a time.

I hope you keep coming back and that you find some relief in knowing you're not alone. There is always hope and help in recovery!!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

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Welcome Jessiray

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Senior Member

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(((Jessiray))) welcome. Ive been there being faced with protecting myself and my child from an angry AH who was under the influence. The chaos went away the more work I did with Alanon. I also learned what the term gaslighting means in Alanon. I hadnt realized how many times before Alanon (SO many times) my AH told me not to believe what I saw, heard, felt, knew but to believe what he said instead. Its what alcoholics do. Suggesting your asking him not to drink and drive you and your children around is a scheme to thwart his happiness (and not simple safety measures) is absurd. Only an active addict or someone involved in enabling can make sense of logic like that. Continue trusting yourself. Your instincts are good and they also lead you to Alanon, a program that works the more you work it. You also sound like you are establishing boundaries to keep you and your kids safe. Good for you. Boundaries have been an enormous help for me. Please know Alanon is a place for anyone who has been bothered by someone elses drinking. Youre daughters dads opinion of his drinking or how it effects you is irrelevant to the progress you can make in Alanon to feeling better. Wishing you strength.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Jessiray, I just wanted to join the others in welcoming you to the Al-anon message board. You've been great program suggestions and wisdom. I don't have much to add aside from encouraging you to keep coming back to share and work Al-anon recovery with us. Lots of support for you here. ((hugs)) TT

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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

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Dear Jessiray 

I have been in recovery from the relationship that brought me into these rooms for almost a decade. Between then and now  I have had other relationships that had serious issues. Last year 2020 I opted to spend 4 minths with an alcoholic who I have known for over 20 years. His alcoholism has progressed during that time. He remains extremely high functioning in a management job 

When I am around an alcoholic I feel like I am drowning in their dysfunction. In reality I have always been drownimg in my own dysfunction.

6 months plus out of staying with the alcoholic I have time and energy to look.at my own issues.   Indeed what I would call my dysregulation is such that I can sometimes take weeks to regulate myself back after certain incidents. And I used ti pride nyself on being resilient. I.am snything but resilient 

I am completely lost at times in over reaction 

 

So al anon has been a phenomenal journey for me. That is one from coming here because of #external# circumstances to the currrent position of looking at #internal# circumstances 

 

My own boumdaries have of course always been #off#  

They are off because of a terribly dusfunctional childhood. They are also off because I really did not recognize that I did not manage myself too well.  Since that has always been the case how would  i know that this was not the way to be 

I am so glad that yiu have made it here.  Al anon can be extremely helpful in gaining a life worth living. 

 

Maresie 

 

 



-- Edited by Maresie888 on Sunday 3rd of January 2021 12:06:39 AM

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