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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> First Post - Need Advice on how to support without enabling
Post Info TOPIC: First Post - Need Advice on how to support without enabling
Violet30


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First Post - Need Advice on how to support without enabling
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Hello,

I am posting here for the first time. I have a brother who is a long-time alcoholic / addict. I'm no longer sure what the correct way to deal with him is. We have a turbulent history, I had a restraining order on him for several years but he's been back in my life for about two years. About a year ago we got him committed and he went to treatment for about five months but relapsed soon after and has continued to burn most of his bridges. He is now looking at going to treatment or being homeless. 

I dont give him things like money but I give him things like my time and might do other things that could be co-dependent, like filling out applications for him or helping him get services. He is currently living with his ex-girlfriend, who wants him out of her house, but he has no where else to go, no family members will take him and he certainly will not support himself. He keeps dropping hints about staying at my home but that will not happen. 

I feel a mixture of anger, frustration and pity for him. He does nothing to help himself, he recently said since he's going back to treatment he might as well 'hit it hard until then'. We have been encouraging him to get a job for months, but he never works more than a week before quitting. He has no thoughts, that he shares anyway, of where he will live, how he will support himself, what he's going to do in the future. I recently brought up to him that he should apply for SSI because I'm starting to feel he has damaged his brain through all the drug and alcohol use, I'm not sure he could work a steady full-time job. I was going to fill out the application for him, then I thought that might be another way of enabling him so I didn't. He doesn't appreciate anything unless he has to make an effort for it, so I don't want to just do something for him that he doesn't value.

I don't like to be around him, I love him but I can't stand him, if that makes sense. I feel disgusted with him much of the time, I can't believe that this is what my brother has turned into. He lies, he cheats, he steals, he manipulates, he uses people for everything he can get out of them. I know this is all part of the addict modus operandi but it is still very frustrating. Some days he will try and come over for hours because he has no where to go and nothing to do. The last thing I want to see after working all day is him sitting on my couch, belittling everyone around him. 

I don't want him to be homeless and I'm not sure he understands how close to the edge he is, or maybe he does and he's just ignoring it, hoping he can trick someone into letting him into their home. He is basically a predator to needy women. I feel like giving up on him.



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Debb


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Violet30, so happy that you were able to find MIP and confide in us, and equally sad for your troubles.

What you are going through with your brother is not unusual for an alcoholic/addict.

We learn in Al-Anon the 3 C's: You "Didn't Cause It, You Can't Control It and you Can't Cure It"

Your brother has to make the decision to get help and stick with his program.

For you, getting to a local Al-Anon meeting would be the best thing you can do for you:

al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/

There are two books that I hold dear to me and got me on the right track including this
website whose caring membership is always here to listen and give guidance:

Courage to Change (One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II) and One Day At A Time In Al-Anon

Al-Anon 12 steps and 12 Traditions can be worked through on MIP website as well, but
highly recommend that you join a local Al-Anon group for guidance and support.

Alcoholism is a progressive and deadly disease, Al-Anon does work to help those who
are dealing with individuals close to them who are suffering with the disease.

My closet experience with yours is with my daughter, I had to let her hit her rock bottom,

which meant that she ended up in a homeless shelter and then a hospital.

When she was ready to make a concerted effort to get the help she needed and stick
with her program, I was there to help her, she is leading a successful life now for the
past 6 years.

I hope I have helped!





-- Edited by Debb on Sunday 13th of December 2020 09:38:50 PM



-- Edited by Debb on Sunday 13th of December 2020 09:39:59 PM



-- Edited by Debb on Monday 14th of December 2020 09:51:03 AM

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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie
Freedom333


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Thank you for sharing Violet30.

Its my first time posting by responding to your post. I can relate to how you feel about your brother.

Im new to Alanon, been attending meetings for a month now. I'm currently reading - How Alanon Works, Courage to Change (Daily reminders) and Path to Recovery (questions to help work through the steps, traditions and concepts). All have been very helpful for me.

I wanted to share that I have a sister who is an active alcoholic and has been for decades. She's never managed to hit rock bottom, always just swimming below the surface though. And still there have been years (decades!) of her abuse towards me and so many others.

But what prompted me to post was your comment about how you love your brother but can't stand him. I understand this very much. It is one of the current issues I have with my sister. And a challenge for me to envision how I would have a relationship with her in any way going forward. I just can't see how there is anything left after all this time with all the lies, manipulation and abusive outbursts. She will never acknowledge the pain she's done. And this has been hard for me to accept (still working on it - its like a dance, 2 steps forward, 1 step back etc). Yet I love her and want her to be safe too.

I'm just starting to learn about really letting go (an Alanon slogan is "let go and let god"). And remembering the 3 C's too as Debb has mentioned.

I don't know if there is a relationship to salvage anymore with her right now, but what I do know is I need to look after me and my mental health first.

 



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Iamhere


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Welcome to both Violet and Freedom - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. Watching another that is loved deeply self-destruct with this disease is maddening....often, it's how we arrive seeking help for ourselves - we just have gotten so wrapped up in the disease in another that we've lost ourselves.

What I know and can share has come to me from others who came before me, and stick around and offer ongoing ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope). I recall the first time another member reminded me that in spite of no employment, no income, no home, and many more issues, isn't it genius that an Alcoholic always finds a way to get drunk/high? This is so, so true. In my case, my qualifiers were far more concerned with getting their fix than where they would sleep/eat/work/etc. It has taken me a long time to improve focusing on me, and not them. I had to be told that when I am more concerned about the health and future of another than they are, I'm not practicing healthy living.

I love my alcoholics yet hate their disease. I can love them from across the street, across the town or across the country. It is through my boundaries that I have improved on being of service without enabling. As I grow in recovery, my boundaries change. I have the right and choice to just say No....and use it when I am not comfortable or willing to do what's being asked. I absolutely love the slogan, When in Doubt, Don't.

I hope you both stick around, and keep coming back! There's always hope and help in recovery!!



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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Freetime


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Welcome, Violet! I too am glad you found us and that you shared your story. One of the things I learned in Al-Anon is that I can love someone but still have my own boundaries. I also learned that alcoholism is a disease that affects the brain, and I cannot expect an alcoholic to think the same way I do. And you've already picked up one of the Al-Anon concepts, that we should not do for someone something that they can and should do for themselves. I was reminded of the safety message we hear on an airplane trip -- Put on my own oxygen mask first.

I am so glad you reached out -- together we can make it!

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