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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I'm returning for help after a few years of not being active in Alanon.
Post Info TOPIC: I'm returning for help after a few years of not being active in Alanon.
SayLaV


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I'm returning for help after a few years of not being active in Alanon.
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I have been stuggling once again with guilt. My A son has gone down the rabbit hole again. At 34 yrs old he is not getting to the "hit bottom" part I thought would maybe happen someday. It has always helped to think about "Didn't cause it, Cannot control it, Cannot cure it. It's that awful knot in my stomach and brain fog of anxiety/sleeplessness that is holding me tight today.I am at the brink of tears at all times. I found out he is homeless after being evicted again from where he lived and is sleeping in his car, its 27 degrees at night here.No money, no gas or blankets. Homeless shelters here a full. It so hard not to want to enable to make myself feel better. I'm not going to though. I've been down that road as we all have. How do I begin to love with detachment? It hurts so much to stand by and let the consqueces of bad choices happen. Especially with his begging constanlty for help. I'm slowly dieing inside. 

 



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DavidG


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  aww Hi C'est... oh hell! Lockdown aint been kind to anyone... 

       I wish that these circumstances hadn't bought you back here! blankstare ...



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Each Alanon member is my teacher.                                                                                                                  
Maresie888


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So sorry ti hear thidvnews 

 

I have been around this tyoe of crisis many  times 

Preserving my self care was so crucial 

Then lately I have been working on more about issues to self regulate 

The tendency to want to punish ourselves very compelling. 

I have nothing to do with anyone going into.a spiral 

Punishing me is like taking the poison and hoping if I suffer it will stop them from hurting 

Self regulating detaching and taking care of ourselves is so crucial. 

In many ways it is a model for others 

Staying calm is so crucial 



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Skorpi


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Welcome back C'est!

detaching with love is SO hard. I remember one thing I focused on was "just for today" - "I will make this decision just for today, and tomorrow I can change my mind if I want" - It made it easier for me to detach in the moment and let natural consequences happen. Never easy to watch for me, though! I remember thinking sometimes I'd like to give my alcoholic loved one a shove so the hitting bottom happened faster. Thanks to the program, I didn't because I knew that wasn't detachment.

sending supportive thoughts your way

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Iamhere


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Welcome to MIP SayLaV - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am sorry for what brings you here and hear you loudly and clearly. I also have 2 sons, both with this disease, and watching the return to active disease is almost unbearable. It's only with the program and the many tools available that I've been able to better deal with the emotional turmoil this brings.

I love to hear that you're resisting the enabling and know that's just not helpful. This is such a hard deal. It took me a long, long while to be able to offer help or 'service' and avoid from enabling. I was willing always to deliver a meal, help admit to rehab, etc. I have also put gas in the tank...

Take good care of you and be gentle with yourself. There is no instruction manual for how to parent diseased children. Adult or not, they are our kids and when they hurt, we hurt. Sending you tons of positive energy, thoughts and prayers...keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
SayLaV


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Thank you David. It helps to go to this site and be reminded by everyone to keep strong.



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SayLaV


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Thank you Maresie. I read every word. Thank you for your time. God Bless.



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SayLaV


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Thank you Skorpi for taking time to share. I love this page for it's kind people who are also suffering and sharing.



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SayLaV


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Thank you Iamhere for sharing. It hurts so so much. I'm going day by day and trying to love without guilt and anger. It's painful. 



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Maresie888


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I have had to.set limits on certain people being in my life
Most certainly the fall out from being around the self destructive is very hard
When we grew up with no boundaries it is harder
It is Thanksgiving time to be kind to yourself
Time to let up on what you coulda woulda shoulda have done.
Time to give yourself a break
Maresie

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Iamhere


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(((SayLaV))) - so, so true. It is very painful and not an easy place to be. My sponsor used to let me cry and vent and then she'd say simply, "You realize it is Wednesday afternoon @ 3:58pm, and we're on the phone and you are OK." She would continuously and effortlessly work on me to come right back to the here and the now because my mind was projecting the worst case scenario and my heart was perpetually stuck in past actions that caused extensive pain. It really, really does help to just focus on this day, this one day...that's how I get through it.

For the record, I do believe that when I was able to detach and not bail mine out, they got closer to their bottom. I don't truly know if they're sick and tired of being sick and tired because they're hiding from me (never, ever a good sign). I do know from experience that nothing I say, do, cry, scream, beg, plead, etc. makes any difference so prayer is my go-to tool always now. Hang in there.

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I'm returning for help after a few years of not being active in Alanon.