Hello Alanon family, 

I have been a member of the MIP family since 2001 when I first stumbled upon the group before I really knew what Alanon was. I think my last posts were in 2010/2011. I am not sure when or why I stopped posting.

I was just reading some of my old posts from my previous profile. I was thinking to myself G-d, I miss that girl, and wouldn't that girl be proud of where/who I am today. Life has changed so much in the past 10ish years.

The person who I think of as my qualifier is my ex-husband. I was with him from the age of 19 until I turned 32. We have three beautiful children together. We divorced in 2010 after I realized I couldn't stay married to an active alcoholic/addict. I tried and tried to make it work. I just wasn't one of the ones who could stay. As his disease progressed, the safety of my children was what I needed to focus on. My ex had a tendency to attack or hurt what I held dear or what he was jealous of. He hurt my puppy once because he was mad at me and I wasn't home to protect her or be the one he took his anger out on. He targeted our son. My ex was always jealous of the bond I have with my son. There is just something about moms and sons. I love my girls dearly, but they were daddy's girls and my ex hated that my son didn't choose him first. One morning, I heard him yelling at our son, screaming at him. The offense my son made. My six year old put his shoes on the wrong feet. This was common for him. I was brushing my hair in our room while getting ready for work. I said to myself, "hurry up and get out there to protect your son". I stopped in mid-stroke of the brush and asked myself if I heard what I said to myself. I knew then that things had to change. 

They didn't change right away. I had been very active in Alanon at that time. I started seeing a counselor and told her I needed to get strong enough to ask him to leave. That's what we worked on. I finally asked him to leave. He wanted the keys to the car and I didn't want to hand them over. He didn't have a license and as most active alcoholics/addicts are, he wasn't always able to return when he said he would. The car was my means of getting to work and the kids to daycare. He told me to think about what I wanted because he was tired of fighting. When he got home, I asked him to please stop using. He told me he had nothing worth quitting for. I then was able to calmly ask him to leave. The peace, serenity, and strength came from the walls of Alanon. We divorced in 2010. I haven't seen him since 2011 and sadly, neither has our children. 

I continued to be very active in Alanon. I had been to some meetings in the Boston area when I visited some Alanon friends. I realized then that the meetings in my area were not healthy. I couldn't fix that so I just kept attending meetings and modeled the steps and traditions in my ESH and actions. That was all I could do. 

I haven't been attending Alanon for many years. I miss it dearly. I just told my therapist last week that I felt like I had to be strong in my F2F meetings. When a newcomer was there or someone in a lot of pain was there, the chairperson would say well this young lady here can help and she would point to me. I then felt obligated to be strong. I never once said no, I can't be the strength today because I am hurting too. I never gave myself permission to be vulnerable to put myself first. 

I attend a support group for people with mental health diagnoses. I have been talking a lot about Alanon in the meetings lately. I have been working with a therapist since February of this year. I have been so honest with her that I can see the healing that is taking place today. We have been slowly working through the trauma of my marriage since October. We had three sessions that were about the trauma, the marriage, and some of the pain. I unlocked and opened a door that I had emotionally barred, bolted, sealed, and barricaded years ago. Those three sessions will not be the end of the talking about what happened. Since the opening of that emotional door, I feel the control of my put-together self slipping away. I cry out of nowhere when random thoughts/feelings hit me. I feel so out of control emotionally that I feel like a mess. I called in sick Thursday and Friday because I knew I had nothing to give to anyone. I work in social services. I was worried that someone would come to me for support and I would just lose control of my emotions and then the role would have to flip and they would support me. That's not okay. 

Anyway, I have been seeing the need for Alanon in my life. I work two jobs and am in school until December. I don't have a lot of time to attend meetings. I told my therapist that one thing with the way the world is right now, I can attend meetings outside my area because everything is virtual now and once my class is done, I plan on attending meetings. 

I started a new account here so I can be vulnerable. I don't feel strong. I don't feel like my feet are firmly on the ground. I know this disease is cunning and baffling. I wasn't ashamed before to admit I needed help and support I just didn't feel like I was allowed to need it. I know I need it. I walked away from a program that was made for me. I feel like I ran away from home when I stopped attending F2F meetings. Home was dysfunctional, but I still got something out of it. I still needed it. I did try to go back to a meeting a couple of years ago. I didn't know anyone there and I thought maybe it would be okay now. There was cross-talk in the meeting and I wanted to walk out. I didn't feel safe, so I left again. I wish the F2F meetings here were different because I realize I need Alanon and I need all of you. My circle of support isn't complete without Alanon.

Just to be clear, I wasn't feeling unsupported by MIP or anyone associated with MIP. It was all F2f, in-person meetings, and the unspoken expectation of my ESH being able to fix it all for the people in pain. 

I am hoping to see some familiar names. I am not sure if I will. If anyone here wants to know who I was before, please feel free to send a pm. 

Thanks for still being here. 

Yours in recovery, 

Salome (Sal-o-may)