The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm embarrassed to admit it, that I purposely started an argument. I did though, I didn't realize it at the time but in hindsight that's precisely what I did.
A couple of days ago I was feeling so much tension around AH and it gave me bad anxiety. I couldn't stand the way I was feeling and I felt like something was building up, like eventually that tension would come to a head and there would be some kind of argument between us. I tried to ignore how I was feeling for a few hours but it was getting worse, not better. And he said something I didn't like and boom, I got mad and we ended up in a big argument. As bad as the arguing felt I realize it felt much better than how I was feeling before it. And I do realize I started the argument on purpose just to get it over with, assuming(by the way I was feeling) that we would be arguing that day anyway.
That's nuts. But it's true ,I actually did that. And I know I need to find different ways to deal with that tension and anxiety in the future.
Ah, I think we may have all done this at one time or another!! It is the Insanity of the Disease.
The good part is that you recognized your part, and understand that you need to find healthier ways to deal with the pent up tension. What worked for me was getting out into nature - even just a walk around my neighborhood "nature." I have also employed ear buds and a guided meditation.
Sending you peaceful support.
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Ah, I think we may have all done this at one time or another!! It is the Insanity of the Disease.
The good part is that you recognized your part, and understand that you need to find healthier ways to deal with the pent up tension. What worked for me was getting out into nature - even just a walk around my neighborhood "nature." I have also employed ear buds and a guided meditation.
Sending you peaceful support.
&
Thanks. It's good to know I am not the only one that's done this.
I did try to do other things but honestly, the anxiety was so intense it basically made me unable to go for a walk or anything like that. I should have forced myself to though.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Thursday 12th of November 2020 06:03:47 PM
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Thursday 12th of November 2020 06:12:28 PM
I hate when my feelings come out sideways. For me, it's usually a sign that I've been stuffing them. It's good to have awareness like you do of an action that doesn't honor you or another person. Sharing here and with a sponsor and with my higher power honestly has helped me to release pent up emotions to those who feel safe for me. It angered me that I could give so much power away to other people to the point of feeling sickened by the thought of confronting, standing up for myself, speaking my mind, trying to reason something out with an unavailable person. Some people made themselves unavailable by choice, others were under the influence of substance. Whichever, my insistence that they release me from my feelings by listening to me was fruitless. Sure I felt better after unloading on them. It's a bit of an adrenaline rush but the exhaustion that followed was a clear sign that I'd been "bottling up" my feelings. I had to get to the root of why I felt unsafe and make the necessary changes that would help to restore my emotional and physical wellness. Part of my issue was my dependency on negative persons for positive responses. I honestly had to give that up. The disease of alcoholism is cunning and baffling. One day an active alkie may be lucid, engaging, responsive in a positive way and the next day Baam! I found myself saying is this the same person I was talking to yesterday. So I learned my lesson and stopped engaging except when really necessary with Jekyll and Hyde because I really never knew who was going to show up. Better to not go to the hardware store expecting bread on the shelf.
That walk PNP suggested has always been a great option for me. Exercise really does burn off anxiety and it's empowering to get out of my own head when I'm overthinking. Also, taking physical space for myself and getting away from a negative situation, anything in the home that's messing with my serenity can feel very good. I always feel a greater connection to my loving higher power when I go for a walk outdoors. I gain more mental clarity and feel better physically too. I can also have a conversation with my hp or call someone and share in privacy.
Thanks for your share (((Sunny))) and honesty. I hope you find solutions that work for your life situation, well-being and serenity. TT
wow, thanks. I could so relate to what you said ,especially about Jekyll and Hyde. I feel like I am walking on eggshells often, wondering which it will be. It's a hard way to live and sometimes a miserable existence tbh.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Thursday 12th of November 2020 06:11:14 PM
Last year I made the holidays an alltime nightmare. Of course when I was with the Qualifier they were technicolor nightmares . Lashing out is a reflex Coming up with new ways to process takes time It involves a paradigm shift I always always always railed against any suggestion towards exoectations My own expectations in relationship were unreal. They were based on fantasies of rescue and redemption I develoed as a child. Maturity did not lead to those fantasies changing. I had a huge investment in them Of course in any relationship for a short period of time certain oeople could touch on some of those needs. I obviously wore them on my sleeve Anyone could read me.
Of course you can come up with ways to deal with your anger
For me personally wild horses would not drag me into.argument with the former roommate. He is unquestionably nasty, undermining and in some resoects cruel.
Why give him.another opportunity to get to me?
Changing the way we relate is very hard stuff
With the qualifier I was a bull in a china shop.
It was only when I got into al anon I.started on another tack and that was immensely hard to.do
For me when I.am triggered in a relationship it is very very difficult. Very difficult to find space .
Very difficult to figure out what is necessary to deal with now
No one does this work in a day
This holiday is so mucb better for me and one big reason is that i am asking for help
I am also aware that there are some places I no longer want to go to. Arguing with people who.are only going to lash back is one of them
I have always done that, always had the same results and always justified it. I think it was part of ny toxic shame
Wow, that is so wonderful. I'm not supposed to comment on your share but it is exciting.
I recall when I first realized what I was doing and was able to stop myself. It came right after a few "did i just do what I think I did there?" events.
Awareness is so great.
You are getting there.
I recall how it felt to say, "I'm sorry I misspoke" and then to say it in a better way.
I'm doing the happy dance for you
Nora
PS I'm not perfect at this. With a few people, I still victimize myself and them with my anger/ frustration/fear but I do it less often. I used the word victimize because I can see how I hurt myself when I do this. Victimize might sem too strong a word so take what you like. I can't know fully what this means to you so you need to pick your own way of looking at it.
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