Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. Bravo on how you handled the bottle. In my world, had I opened my mouth and asked any questions, the standard answer was always 'that's been there for a long while'...which, because I am anal and obsessive about cleaning/organizing, I know to not be true. It is in recovery that I've truly found that so very, very often, with this disease and the diseased, my best response is no response and a healthy discussion with another with a bit more sanity.

It took me a while to realize that I was almost as manipulative as my A(s). I found it easy to deny as my intentions were good and truly from a good place. However, in the purest form, manipulation is manipulation, and it is unhealthy to use my will/ego to justify my own 'ways' of dealing with the disease.

It drove me absolutely crazy when I first started working with my sponsor, and I would take a crisis to her. She was a wonderful listener and a very gentle soul. She's let me rant, vent, share and then almost always would say, Why do you think you are taking 'this' so personally? Do you really believe that ............................................ was because of you, directed at you, or intentionally done to hurt you? She had several other questions that really helped me see that my own way of dealing with this disease in those I love was not very sane and certainly unhealthy and usually unhelpful.

I know I refer to it often and am going to again. The Pause to Pray before I Proceed just is so darn helpful for me. I NEVER paused before recovery. I had no filter in my words nor my actions. If I was angry, everyone knew it. If I was sad, disappointed, hurt, rejected, ignored, I reacted with anger and again, everyone knew it. For me, and my life-long short fuse, pausing for as long as I want or need, just truly helps me respond vs. react. It is during this pause where I look for the facts vs. my emotional reaction, examine my motives in responding (or not) and consider a response that I would be proud of - praying for grace, humility and dignity.

I have no doubt that my parents love me deeply. They, and probably their parents before them, taught me 'transactional' love. I define this easily as, you do this and we'll do that. I lived a life of keeping score, comparing and competing and judging others based on this value set and others I was raised with. In recovery, I learned unconditional love. When I need help (usually heavy lifting, literally), I ask for it. I have learned to keep asking for help until I get help. I don't have to judge another if they can't/won't help me. It's not my job to hold grudges because they can't/won't help me. There are many others who will help me - I just need to keep asking.

Trying to change others and force solutions did absolutely nothing good for me. It made me more fearful, more anxious, more obsessive and more insane. There is much more calm in me when I am able to let others do and be what they need/want to do and be. It's sad at times, I do worry - both of which give me more opportunities to practice trusting the God of my understanding.

I'm grateful for all the tools recovery has given me. I get to practice healthy ways to cope and deal with this disease and life in general. I hope everyone had a lovely Monday - I golfed and have a few more games (weather permitting) planned for this week. Fall is definitely here - finding golf balls among a million leaves can be a challenge!! Love and light all - make it a great evening!