The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...mine was a hopeless case- tired- exhausted. Angry and worse- rage. Sadness and grief beyond measure- you name it.
I was in a room with other frightened people. And I stayed in this room- and other rooms for years.
And it has paid off. Tomorrow we have remembrance day service. I belong to the local veterans group. The old president has become a close friend. We were out at the cemetery last week- doing voluntary work. Just me and him. He comes to our meditation group when he can.
His wife died 10 months ago. Since then he has taken up with his childhood sweetheart. They went to the movies together when they were 14.
I started as flag boy. But was promoted to running an Anzac Day service. Out at the settlement I grew up in. I got into a lot of flak out there. The valley floor was flooded to provide electric power. Lots and lots of changes. I was part of a move to get our church and hall shifted up onto high ground. I worked with another old veteran who was dad's best friend. And over time that hall has become a memorial and it gets backed out each year.
So we have a church parade tomorrow. John will be there. We have a bind of love. Comradeship. Friendship. His girlfriend lives 1800 km away. I am sure he wants to leave our town as he found it. Leaving a small legacy of hope.
i feel the same way about Alanon myself. I am now of service to the world outside. I worked as a community worker-in my 20's with gangs and H. users... and i got the reputation in my town that I was an addict myself. Lots of bad stuff. But I have stood tall- and for what I believe in.
My granddad served in France and recorded the end to he war in 1918. He took part in a parade in Paris. My Welsh granddad took a bullet in the chest. His Methodist hymn book saved his life. it was in his chest pocket.
Military service and PTSD is not the only factor in trauma and addiction. It is just one.
Our dad died 20 years ago now he betrayed then- his last betrayal. I just want to go out to the cemetery and pee on his grave. I contained myself. But out of service I have gotten over that ager and that rage. Slowly but surely.
The whole field of post traumatic stress disorder has changed dramatically. Now veteran's are said to be dealing with a #moral injury#
A moral injury being a complicated formula that involves survivor guolt and decidedly mixed emotions
I am still dealimg with elements of chaos in this rennovation
That is new keys, lingering repajirs. Thankfully the days of. Driling and banging are over. I am waiting for the rennovation crew to be gone before I.bring my dog back.
He is staying with the former roommate. While I do far better dealing with the former roommate, every interaction is a prome example of how he tries to undermine and sbatage me at every turn
Hope you have a grear weekend. I am in the middle of paying bills down so it is another rollercoster for me. Last weekend was a slam of long days. This weekend is no.different
Thank you David for all the kinds of service you have done. As I worked in the field of mental health, I feel I did a lot of service too. Even though I got paid, no monetary amount made up for the emotional wear and tear on me. I tried to leave my work at the office, but hey, no one is perfect.
My alanon service is the same and different. It's different because it is not a job and no money comes to me from it. It's the same though, in that I feel I can help others and as a result of helping others, I help myself as well. Betty always told me that she grew from her relationship with me in sponsorship--that it was a two way street. She was (and will always be) a tremendous role model for me. She showed me how to live life to the full in spite of painful, horrible occurrences. RIP
David - You have a lot of life-experience under your belt!! So much of it was/is in service to others. I feel it was/is your Light, your innate goodness that has shown through even during the toughest of times for you (emotionally and physically).
I am not sure if it is proper to say, "Happy Anzac Day!" But I hope that you enjoy the parade, and connect with the other people who are there in remembrance. Thank you for sharing your memories,
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Chromic ptsd and developmental trauma disorder are indeed hard for other people to.fathom
In my lifetime I have certainly spent a lot of time helping others
Indeed I.now know that I had no idea how to.approach relationships with others in a healthy manner. I would be triggered. Then I would be dealing with the trigger. For some of us with PTSD !ife is managimg a minefield of triggers
These days I am workimg so hard to focus on myself
My life has always been about what I brimg to the table rather than what I am getting out of it
Holding back from giving, being seen to be a team olayer and more compulsions is really hard. I want to #fawn# and volunter and over commit myself
However my new commitment to recovery with therapy ans other resources is great. In addition the holidays were very hard for me. My way of managing my triggers is no longer proving to anyone but myself I am worth something.
My family were so dysfunctional and chaotic that I no longer think of them in familial terms. As a way to survive my childhood I created these fantasy bonds around themes of rescue and redemption. I then tried to make whoever I _was with adopt to those fantasies. Needless to say the results were not sucessful. Of course the fantasy bonds were also very perplexing to other people around
It actually is not a loss to give up on the notion of family. It is a big gain.
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Monday 9th of November 2020 08:14:37 AM
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