The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The exact nature of our wrongs -- that is what we admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being in Step Five. Today's reading asks what IS the exact nature of our wrongs? Is it the angry words we used, or the times we were dishonest? For the author, the exact nature of their wrongs is the self-defeating attitudes they had about their own self. Those thoughts of being unworthy, damaged, not good enough -- those assumptions are what led to other wrong actions. But when those assumptions are examined to see if they are true -- that leads to a more realistic, more loving view of one's self.
Today's reminder: Living with alcoholism has taken a huge toll on my self-esteem. As a result, I may not recognize how many of my wrongs are built upon a faulty sense of self. That's why the Fifty Step 9s so enlightening and so cleansing. Together with my Higher Power and another person, I can even change life-long patterns.
Quote from Alateen - Hope for Children of Alcoholics: "If no one knows us as we really are, we will then be able to accept ourselves. Others rarely think we're as bad as we think we are."
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After working the steps the first time, I came to the realization that -- like today's author says -- my biggest defect, the root cause of my faulty actions -- was my attitude, my lack of self-respect. I can't blame anyone or anything for that -- maybe just the overall culture that had unrealistic images and expectations of women -- but I very often sold myself short, accepted the unacceptable, failed to state my own needs -- all because I didn't think I deserved anything different.
Having a sponsor to reflect back to me what I thought my defects were, and how that looks to an outside, caring person -- showed me that I had some inaccurate beliefs about myself. The Alateen quote has been true for me -- Others rarely thought I was as bad as I thought I was. In fact, they often thought I was amazing. Now I actually believe that myself, and my actions are a lot healthier.
Thank you Freetime for your service
I am indeed in a much different place than I was all year long.
It takes a tremendous amount of work and diligence to maje change. I also think it takes diligence.
Examining my unhealthy habits has been one of the ways I got up from nothing. I know when I sound off about how frustrated I am that a lot of people turn off. Today I had a telephone call with someone I.used to sound off too regularly. Not that I was sounding off about her but my situation
Today I could talk to her in a cooperative manner and got resultsAdmittedly I did not get the dream result which is for someone to take the problem out of my hands but I got
Information and I got it quickly. In the past in my #victim poor me# mode it was like a shield no one could get through
And of course wanting someone to take the problem out of my hands was one of the reasons I.ended up with more than one qualifier. Now I would rather keep the problem (and I.have plenty of them and they grow daily) in my own hands
Being fully responsible for myself is of course new
Whatever problems I have (which I do not nevessarily know how to solve) I take full responsibility for dealing with them
New territory, new year, new results
Thank you for the daily, Freetime, and the share Maresie. I really like today's reading.
I grew up with one parent an adult child of an alcoholic, but I had a pretty confident sense of self. I felt capable, and confident in my choices and actions. Living with an active and dry alcoholic the last 13 years have really taken a toll on my sense of self and my self-confidence. Away from my family and friends, the isolation and constant feedback of "you can't" really made me question myself - maybe I couldn't! Thanks to AlAnon stepwork, I am working on regaining confidence and trust in myself. I still have all the self-doubts when I take on a project (changing the oil, replacing some part in the car, washer, drier, or water heater), but I am challenging those negative thoughts and doubts, and using as evidence for myself what I have done in the past. (Of course you can do this. You have done it successfully in the past. What makes you think you cannot do it again?) It's still a inner battle with the negative self-talk and doubts, but I can tell it is getting better with additional program work and by surrounding myself with people who build me up instead of break me down.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you Freetime for your service, and to everyone above who shared their personal ESH with this topic.
Looking closely at the nature of our defects... some pretty scary stuff... especially when you are raw and vulnerable from the fight of living within/alongside Addiction. Now I know why it comes after Steps 1,2, & 3!! I must say, having a sponsor helped me to be honest about my faults, but more importantly, was/is an "impartial" third-party for my recovery. Through her eyes, I found that many negative behaviors were actually based in positive traits, but had grown askew due to adjustments from living with an addicted partner. I never really considered that to be honest. I just clung onto "I was bad, with these bad behaviors"... when that wasn't the whole picture of myself.
I am currently looking at my earlier life. Both my parents had one alcoholic parent. For a time when I was quite young, I believe my father had an issue with alcohol, but was never labeled an "alcoholic" nor did he continue down that road... but I am seeing how I was affected.
Grateful to have awoken today free of aches, free of COVID-19, and going to a job that I truly love! I am grateful for great hearing that I can enjoy Mozart in the Morning, and eyesight that I can take in all the beauty of the Autumn day! I am grateful for the relative "good" health of my 80 year-old parents - with whom I still greatly depend (without their help, I could not afford to live in CA). My fear of them contracting COVID has lessened somewhat, but that is due to their better virus busting protocols, and to me practicing my Al-Anon Steps - understanding that ultimately, I have zero control over this virus. I only can control my virus busting practices. I continue to lean on my HP, and thank her for all her blessings whenever I can!
Storm is coming. We are supposed to have heavy rains moving in by late tonight. But it's SoCal... so we'll see. LOL! I am grateful for the cooler temps and the rain, but I am a little worried about all the ash run-off and other landslide issues that come with post-fire mountains. Although, if I look at if from a different perspective, it will be great to have all the ash washed off everything. I have tried to spray down the plants in my yard, but everyday there is just more ash!! I have lost some plants - whether that is to toxicity or lack of photosynthesis I am not sure. But having that "big spray off" will be a good thing!
Please everyone enjoy your Friday!!! This particular day will never come again! &
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you, Maresie -- I can really relate to "being fully responsible for myself." And Skorpi, I have found tackling fix-it projects to be a huge boost to my self-esteem. So many things I had never done before, I can do now. Replacing door knobs, replacing electric outlets, changing batteries in the thermostat, removing a light bulb that was stuck in its socket. YouTube has videos on how to do anything! I feel invincible when I conquer one of those issues. But I will leave the car maintenance and the large appliance maintenance to higher powers (hired professionals)!
Happy Friday MIP. Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for you ESH & shares - I can so, so relate. I really agree that tackling those projects I thought were beyond me, my skill set, etc. have been a huge boost to my self-esteem. I have had to really live and learn though - I took the DW apart as suggested by a You-Tube video to clean out the filters and some other areas as it wasn't cleaning well. I did not think to take photos before so the reassembly was a bit overwhelming...lesson learned!
What I know today is way more than I knew yesterday. What I really, really love about recovery is that each time I go through the steps, I discover even more about me and what makes me tick. Both of my parents had a parent (father) as well as a grandparent (grand-father) that were alcoholic. I suspect and have been told this disease goes back 3-5 generations, as best we know. None ever got into recovery or even identified as an A, yet the damage was 'there' and 'done'.
For me, as far/long as I can remember, I was always a bit different than my siblings. I assumed it was because I was the only girl and the youngest, who truly knows. What I know is that living with 2 untreated ACoA's who grew up during the depression and really tough times created a generational rigidity that I rebelled against. I challenged everyone and everything - right fight always with facts and really took pride in being right.
These mannerisms in me did not mesh well with this disease, and the idea of being powerless did not compute in my brain. I really, really thought at some deep level that I could change, control and cure those I love. When I battled and battled and battled and did not see any progress, I fought harder. Unwilling to admit defeat, it was quite easy for me to instead throw blame/shame at them and completely be in denial about my own isms/disease/issues.
Step 4 with a sponsor showed me that I am a perfectly imperfect person, able and expected to be LTP (Less Than Perfect). Step 4 showed me how my right-fighting was a defense mechanism that I used to temporarily fluff my own esteem, often at the expense of others. I learned that I had some really severe black/white thinking and it was not realistic, healthy or constructive. The more I discover about me the more free I become as I believe we are all designed to be miracles in our own way and in our own right.
I had heard that in order to freely love another, first one had to love themselves....this made no sense to me for most of my life as my concept and definition of love was a bit warped. It was not discussed in my home, nor really said or even felt. We were kind of a 'mechanical' family, going through the motions and portraying the 'perfect family' to the outside world. When you are born/raised into this disease, you do not realize or know what is normal, healthy, sane vs. what's not. Only as we venture out into the real world do we discover either were left of center or others might be.
Recovery has shown me the truth - we are not fully capable of loving another unless we love ourselves. For my program, this applies also to respect, value, compassion, forgiveness, etc. Recovery told me and suggests I need to be my own best friend, my best personal advocate, someone I value above all other people, each and every day one day at a time. All I know is when I take time each day to consider my gratitude and my assets, my days are much better and joyful.
I had no desire to explore my character defects, let alone with another. Of course, that was fear based and, like so many other things, I resisted accordingly. Yet, myself and my life have changed dramatically through being willing to trust this program and the process, and I'm profoundly, beyond words grateful.
I did golf today and plan to do so again the next 3 days. Our winter is coming soon so we're all trying to enjoy what we have for as long as possible. I am beyond ready for this election to be 'done' - it's consuming all the darn TV channels. Love and light to all - please know I'm grateful for MIP and all of you too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am grateful for the cooler temps and the rain, but I am a little worried about all the ash run-off and other landslide issues that come with post-fire mountains. Although, if I look at if from a different perspective, it will be great to have all the ash washed off everything. I have tried to spray down the plants in my yard, but everyday there is just more ash!! I have lost some plants - whether that is to toxicity or lack of photosynthesis I am not sure. But having that "big spray off" will be a good thing!
& 