The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The author of the passage on Monday, 11/2, asks about our behavior with various people. They hint at the idea that in alanon meetings, people are often cheerful, willing to accept program, and hopeful it will work for them. But what do we present to the alcoholic and our children? Do we scowl, scold, admonish and complain? At home do we appear as boss, mentor, and disapprover?
We are reminded to observe what we do and say, and see how family reacts. It was said that the people we live with are worthy of our best behavior, and question if we have been withholding respect and loving kindness.
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GUILTY!! Before program I was trying to be the boss of my A and stating clearly what needed to be done. I had the answers or would be getting them and I wanted to force solutions.
I had the opportunity to practice better behavior tonight at dinner. My A is choosing work over OA meetings and neglecting the offer the sponsor has made. I only asked questions in a non-judgmental fashion and did not give my opinion (which by the way was disappointment at the choices being made). And this is nothing new. And I remembered what someone said on this board when I was new: Dont ask questions you know the answer to. Im getting much better at this.
Yep, me too. But I had a breakthrough yesterday when my alcoholic brother finally came out of his disappearance binge and hes calling me up and hes all weeping and sorry that he has not called me and on and on and hes talking about how he had to clean mold and bedbugs from where he was sleeping and I just listened without saying a word
Then he is going on and on about How bad he feels neglecting me and not calling and when he finally stopped talking I told him that I had long since turned him over to God and that I am taking very good care of myself and though I love him and care about him, I am no longer effected by his drinking, that I am taking good care of myself and that I would pray for him to do the same thing. I was absolutely calm and I could feel the loving detachment. I will always love him but I am lovingly detached from what he is doing to himself and Im not really affected by it anymore. Yes I wish he would get back into Program, but my expectations are zero and therefore no more resentment and anger and begging, I am done with it. I accept him the way he is and I do step three in regards to him
My present wife still behaves that way and I understand the behaviors though they are difficult to contend with. They generate negative reflex with me which I have to mind constantly. Was I like this when married to the alcoholic Addict? Yes yet it is part of my recovery program to refrain from it which will shorten the frays and also show respect and kindness to my spouse. She needs control which is sad. Constant prayers for her and others caught up in the enabling disease. I liked that reading this morning. Keep coming back.
Thank you LYne for your service.
Great shares on this topic!!
Rose - I just wanted to say that working your program with your brother sounds healthy and looks good on you!! Great job! I wanted to validate this for you, b/c I know that loving detachment is very, very hard sometimes.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I have come to learn recently that shame based responses are almost visceral reaction to very trying aitiations. Therefore hidimg and lashing out are almost knee jerk responses which are very hard to give uo. That can also be said for tolerating boundary breakimg insults from certain people. Indeed what I am coming to.ses is that there are very clear alternatives. One is to be aware of the sitiations I am primed to come up with these responses to. Being aware is indeed the first step. Then existing in a space where I forgive myself for having endured relationships with people who only know how to lash out abd judge abd label others compulsively is another. After all the only label I have any control over is the one I give to myself.
If I am reallly taking care of myself I am no longer in a compulsive tally of who is less recovered than I am. That is hecause my focus is on myself and my experience rather than how dysfinctional anyone else is. How blessed I am to be giving up the contesr of compulsivwly judging others on an hour by hour basis
I normally have tremendous struggles at the end of the year. This year that has been full of zo much hardship for me is becomig one where all my hard wirk, diligence and faith I coukd get better have paid off.
