(((((a4l)))))

Sending you calming energy. Oh! How I would love to give you a hug so I could transfer my energy into you!!!
I have been exactly in the "feeling place" you are now. I was also like you, in that I did think that showing too much negative emotion in front of my kid would just make him more scared of what was happening. I had heard from a child psychologist that in these types of situations, "...children take their cues from the stable parent."

So this is what I did:
Focused with laser sharpness on being the "stable parent" - even if that meant putting off some emotional release
I made a list every night and checked it every day. It was a "My Next Steps" list. It literally included things like, get laundry done, make it through a work day, pick up house, make a healthy meal. Very mundane. But I felt like I had control over these steps, and I felt a surge of confidence when I would scratch a task off! I can't stress this little exercise enough. By using such laser focus, it kept my racing mind to a more tolerable level.
I took A LOT of showers. Why? Because that is where I felt I could cry without my kid hearing or seeing how broken and helpless I was.

These are things that worked for me when I felt like I was drowning, but could not succumb to the waters.

Asking my HP to talk with your HP about some relief!

Thanks for the hugs. I really mean that. Feeling better this morning with the repeated slogan "don't go to the hardware store for bread" running through my head. I think another part of the terror is that leaving countries is another go to response of mine which is universally off the table. That feels psychologically suffocating. And my island is tiny. He grew up here I didn't though I have ancestry to the first canoe and am on my ancestral lands now. I probably need to ground myself into a sense of security. I cried in the safety of my bedroom last night and that was unpleasant. Crying is unpleasant generally. It seems to come and go in waves. I'm really good at stuffing feelings but I know it leads nowhere positive in the long run. Still sometimes the pain is so much I want to stuff it and get on with business. It would be easier. So I'll just write out what's hurting me. Basically myself. I can't beleive I wasted so much time and how long I did things in ways that were not my authentic nature. I'm also worried about the kids. I have been the veneer of our family. Shielded them from the past. Offered him stability which most people were happy for. But it could never last without arresting alcoholism. That never got arrested. OK. I feel clearer. I know my truth I know my families truth. My children are going to be better than OK and that's my focus. 

-- Edited by a4l on Friday 30th of October 2020 01:31:07 PM

Thank you David: "and the timing always has to be ours".
Yes. Amongst all the weird emotional storms, this is good focus. This is my timing, this is what I want and know from above is the right thing to do. I might not be able to control much else but I can certainly confidently own that and take comfort from it.

Thanks Mike. I feel wiped out emotionally. I've deactivated my social media pages for now because I like to fall apart in private lol. But I've fallen apart a few times in my life and put myself back together each time so this will be no different in that sense. Time takes time as the saying goes. I appreciate your kindness <3

I'm just happy that today is a new day and a better day....I also do not like crying - I don't do it often and it doesn't feel 'right'. What I do know is when I can just let go, let 'it' happen - tears, fear, anxiety - I do feel a release, almost as if the tears or the tantrum or the venting or the praying/cursing @ God brings about a slight balance in me. I'm not saying it's always pretty to look at or even makes sense to others, but when I 'hit the proverbial wall', I know now that any release is better than no release.

I will say that, for me, social media is just not a healthy place. I can't say exactly why other than I feel the need to be better than/less than others and often find myself competing/comparing unintentionally. There are many lovely people in my life that participate and that works for them. All who know me know that if I am wanted/needed, you better PM me and I'll answer from my phone. Social Media just makes me crazy, mad, sad, other. I do not get any satisfaction/pleasure so just stopped (my life is better for that decision).

For me, in times of intense pain, I like to lean into the three A(s). Awareness, Acceptance and then Action. The steps and our tools help me better identify exactly what I am feeling and more 'why' and then I can accept what is and then consider changing what I can. I truly believe I have grown much, much more thru pain than not.

Keep stopping in - each day/as time allows. And yes, breathe! I am not sure why I go so shallow when 'life happens' but taking just a few moments to breathe deeper/deeply really helps me calm and center. We love you and you're not alone! (((Hugs)))

Oh and as an aside on social media, here, it's basically also a hook up tool. Small small community. I started getting unwanted attention of the male variety and found it kind of.....arrogant. On the other hand I want to get into importing and it's a useful sales platform. But not for today and that feels greatly empowering.

(((a4l))) - I can only imagine the stress of the schooling on top of 'life events'. I don't know how things work where you are, but can imagine that whomever you go talk to has heard/experienced far worse situations/scenarios. I know over here there are ways you can do withdrawals, and put all on hold - the financial parts as well as the schooling. Timing and length are typically set by the school and the funding, but there are options usually to help adults when life rises - it does...for everyone but esp. adults vs. students fresh from HS.

Taking a break or doing a withdrawal is not wrong or a failure of any sorts. We (the world) are experiencing a pandemic and most, if not all of us are crazy right now. Add the many things happening in RL, and it's often just too much. I'm sending you tons of positive energy and thoughts to help you for your next steps for the education. (((Hugs))) too! This all will pass even if it doesn't feel like it will.

TY - good to see you....I have a racing mind and also repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over to try to quiet my mind. It works often for me. I will also pull out literature and read, which often helps calm me and helps me go to sleep.