The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think my HP has been very very gentle and patient with me allowing me to acknowledge that truth to myself. I don't like pain, I'm scared of it and it hurts.
I bought myself a $35 bottle of Marlborough Savigngon a few days ago, knowing full well it was an attempt to deny what I was doing. (A fuctioning successful adult woman purchasing a very decent wine most people can't afford). I very alcoholically deluded myself by consuming a very reasonable glass and a half before sensibly going to sleep in my perfectly arranged bedroom.
And why am I sabotaging myself this way as a double winner of our program? Because I don't like pain. Long term suffering sure but please no pain.
I separated from my AH four or five years ago. I clung to "separation is not divorce" and ate my cake as the saying goes. We lived in separate states, then as is currently the case, in separate countries for three years, with his occasional visits and continued financial support.
I finally ripped off the band aid and filed for divorce a week ago. A month ago a shipment of my furniture finally arrived from that other lifetime in the vast continent of Australia and I think that's right about when the wheels fell off my caboose. I don't know why. Memories probably.
Now I'm very sad and a bit afraid and I have absolutely screwed four of my law papers because I went into shutdown mode a month ago. One can not go into shutdown mode in law.
I can't remember clearly the last time I felt so vulnerable. I do know about shutdown mode and I can't allow this to continue. I have to face the pain. It's not logical. I mean nothing logically is changing except the legal status of marriage. I'm a solo entity in every single way and have been since we were married so it should not have an impact. I'm not worried about finances because I can and do make my own money. (The job came crawling back and I politely shut the door knowing full well I am smarter than your average bear). I suppose it's all the recriminations of not having made better choices etc etc.
So I guess I'm here to consciously admit to myself that I don't like pain, the pain is imminent and it needs to be felt. Tears will happen. It will be okay. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It shall pass. I'm not a gigantic idiot. All will be OK eventually. I do not need numbness.
Thank you so much TT. <3 your share helps a lot to process exactly what it is I'm doing. I knew this was coming when my stuff arrived and I unpacked it. It was like unpacking that timeframe when I left him. Everything came tumbling out. The memory of how much that marriage isn't for me and nevee was or will be. So I went into function mode. Unpack, sort, organize,rearrange furniture, invite friends over for lunch as an unofficial type of House warming. I think I deliberately sabotaged my papers too so I wouldn't have to dwell on the emotional storm which is arriving now. That's probably my biggest concern now because I get a scholarship and I hope I haven't flushed that away with my GPA which is about to suffer dreadfully. I'll deal with it though. Thank you again for the support. I can't talk to anyone here. Mother thinks he's amazing which opens a whole other can of anger worms because seriously the way males are treated here culturally it's absolutely no wonder they're all so useless. My married friends won't get it. My single friends are drinkers. So thank you. Xx
WOW what a post...so filled with awareness, honestly, willingness and humility. Glad you brought it here so that this double winner could gain more experience. I didn't do the drink; I did the sponsor when I came to that rut in my road. Do I still have the compulsion? Not as often as before still cause I use the tools plus what I have learned from college education in our disease it will do catch-up if I ever decide to do a bit. Alcohol was and is still anesthetic yet for me it always resulted in much more pain when I stopped.
I have had many strong positive recovery experiences with many being beyond expectations that the fellowship shared with me such as my relationship with HP and with the people; program and not who have knowingly or not shared very positive recovery examples with me.
The amends process has been best as i get to clear away the damage I have done to myself and others. I made amends just yesterday to a person who has been hurt by behaviors I use to employ because and from my self centered ego. I also hate pain which is that emotion that cause me to fight so bitterly against even the program and HP.
Keep coming back A4l and do what you know to do best for yourself and peace of mind and sobriety. ((((Hugs))))
Thanks Jerry <3. You know what's interesting? The duality of life in society and the life we're obligated as souls to live. I could so easily stuff all of these feelings away and pretend successfully that they are simply not there. I know I could because I've done it before. Before I decided to file, for several months actually I started to get really and unnaturally fatigued. Like get a full nights sleep and wake up exhausted physically. I have a lot on but I knew this was not normal even in the circumstances. After filing and announcing, yes I'm sad but I'm no longer exhausted. I was tired from hiding an unbearable weight and releasing it returned the energy. I bought the wine after making some extra $$ not quite a week after filing. I had a new goal of possible happiness to pursue, this divorce business was just a formality not needing attention. Release one long term weight and start prepping for a new one. No thanks. Thats realistically how I got myself into this mess. Experienced massive trauma and loss, set a new goal, made myself a promise, skipped the grieving process and that particular country. 12 years later, four more kids, unfinished degree, lovely material possessions aaaand divorcing. So today I will make the effort not to rush basically. I do tend to rush. I definitely don't need alcohol. Like you say, it leads only to more chaos and confusion. Also, I'm reminded that for me, dignity was and still is the greatest reward of sobriety. Thank you for the support, I appreciate it.
(((a4l))) - so, so good to see you - I've missed you. I am so, so sorry that the reality of this disease and how it pulls at us has risen up in your world. I have gone down many, many a dark path in my recovery and each time, when I felt it was too much or I'd gone too far to get back, I was wrong....I am so grateful for the many others who were wise enough to remind me that the past, even if it's just yesterday, is already gone and it is this day, the present one, that truly matters. Nothing we do, say or desire to change about yesterday or before will truly impact the present and the future isn't here yet.
I have not purchased/consumed alcohol, yet have had the desire to do so as well as the insane thought that with my current level of 'knowledge', I can/could possibly drink socially. Pffffffffft - (for me) I never drank to be social. I never drank to fit in. I never drank to relax. I drank to get drunk. From the first consumption to the last, once I began, I had no desire to stop. I have no doubt I could partake in 'controlled drinking'....yet, have found that the thought of counting drinks, trying to maintain, prove I can do it, etc. is just too much effort for me.
I do not like pain either. I really, really do not. I also know that when I begin to pull away from others & the program, preferring to isolate and 'process', it's not the healthiest choice for me. I do much, much better when I can find the courage to reach out to others and share my truth - which you did with your share. My hope is that just by writing this down and getting it out, you've got some relief already. I have watched you grow and change and grow and change and have full faith that all will be well for you and with you. You've always been the one who's spirit lifts you up and carries you forward, one more day. Trust your program, your growth, your HP and your smarts to get you, just for today, where you need to be/do/go.
Know that you are not alone. I am sorry the furniture and filing of paperwork has brought a different level of awareness for you...I do trust that we are not given more than we can handle (even when we doubt that) and know the answers will come to you, for you. Keep coming back - you're worth it girl - love and light always!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
If you were not feeling something that would be a big red flag
My qualifier had s mother who dealt with things by denying them. When one of her sons died of an overdose she simy.blocked it. Thar is he then became non existant.
That denial has endured for decades.
My.family of origin dealt with pain by denying it.
You are fully conscious of all the triggers. That is a huge step in recovery. I have spent years in reactivity. Reactivity is beyond unproductive.unfortunately it is all I knew for most of my life.
Now I.can anticipate triggers snd plan for them.
The end of a marriage is indeed s life changing event.
For those of us in.al.anon.our attachment is certainly hard and fast and enduring. Our loyalties are solid. We do not make room for ourselves.
Know thar al.anon is there for you. In particular this group is full of nuturing, kind, extremely responsive members. This is a very soecial place. Finding this place is indeed a huge boon in the middle of a pandemic.
I am grareful every day to al.anon. My life is extremely challenging. There is no easier softer way for me. The holidays have always been a huge blot on my calendar. Workimg to change that is no easy measure.
Mahalo Maresie888 for that share it clearly supports my own understanding a strong part of which is the need for this MIP family in my life. ((((hugs))))
I most certainly had that chronic exhaustion issue around certain people. I most cerainly have it around the ex roomarw. Inhave it around certain neighbors. I have to pay attebtion to.that
Indeed when I find sny conversation is is unecessarily difficult.
I need to have my radar up.
Growing up in a dysfunctional home I was used to being around people incapable of empathy. My qilualifier did not have that caoacity. Some paeticularly manipilative people often feign empathy. Really many people are in a constant comparison log. I have my own experience of doing that.
While I am a giving person I have to be boumdaried about that. I will no longer assiciate with people who have crossed certain boundaries. I am a lot better at saying #bye bye# to them.
Luckily for me they are few and far betwee.
I do not have empathy for the whole world. I have empathy for certain people who are capable of interacting. I am having to address that certain people who have particularly destructive lifestyles are incapable of empathy. They are locked intomsich negative role models. The qualifier was certainly like that. He had great charm and could feign warmth but his lifestykl of chronic chaos indicated he was locked into a pinishing lifestyle. He both loved and hated his vehickes. He had very little interesr in making a home and his expectations of my role in the couple relationship were wildy grandioss and at the same time devalued persistently. How can you be both essential and thoroughly devalued simultaneously?;
My family of origin had deeply contentious fractious relationshops. As a child I was forced to compete with my siblings for basic survival needs. I bought that scarcity model with me as an.adult.
In recovery I have built a mutually supportive relationship with certain people. That is there is not the sense that at any time they will be unavailable. Moreover within those relationshios there is not the issue of any moment they will start acting malignantly. Neither is there a need to compete with others fir a few scraps of attention. There is maturity, trust and vulnerability in those relationships. The axe is not going to bit my back from out ov nowhere.
Well it is good to feel.
The issue is in managing those feelings you have to be gentle with yourself rather than mean.
I was mean to myself so therefore I tolerated people being mean and nasty to me.
Not anymore. Now if you call me a bunch of names and denigrate me its sayanara baby!!!
Maresie
Thanks Maresie. Yes being gentle. I made amends to myself for falling off the wagon and for being hopeful in order to stay stuck. I will get through this. It may be difficult. But I will get through it.
Hi. I got halfway through your post and was reminded that when I wrote my 4th step, these situations (with all my relationships where there had been trouble - and there were many!) all came out and got put on paper. When I was done, I knew myself so much better. There was no shame, only God's love for me.
I did a few other steps after that, then wrote my amends list.
I then prepared my amends, one at a time - about one every 5 or 6 days.
I focused on just that one at a time, prayed, listed the harms I did to that person as I was praying it all came up, then I prepared an amends in writing.
I ran it by my sponsor.
Then I called the person and asked them if they would be willing to give me (however many minutes) of their time, at a place of their choosing, because I wanted to take responsibility for some of my behavior from the past.
No one refused me. That was God. Because I was really ready. Everyone said I covered everything. People asked me what I was doing because I was so different.
The most important part of this was the 4th step inventory - finally, a thorough one that produced a spiritual awakening in me. It was a lot of work, and the best thing I ever did for myself.
I used the Big Book of AA, even though I'm an adult child. It is for any human being who wants to recover from "life". :)
I relate, because my Alanon-qualifying problems are at the core of all of my addictions. I believe we are all cross-addicted today into many fellowships.
I also have been using something (an addiction) to not feel pain. In fact I had a huge realization about this about an hour ago - that that's really all it is - that I am just trying to not feel feelings. It's where all my compulsions come from, my weird little nervous habits, etc.
I have also been trying to get the courage to sit with pain. I'm not quite sure how to do it, but I have some ideas, so I'll be reading more of this thread.
Someone told me today that she found So much support in another fellowship. It's one I never even heard of. With my caffeine problem, I think I'll start there. :)
Well it is good to feel. The issue is in managing those feelings you have to be gentle with yourself rather than mean. I was mean to myself so therefore I tolerated people being mean and nasty to me. Not anymore. Now if you call me a bunch of names and denigrate me its sayanara baby!!! Maresie
I don't even say goodbye to someone like that. I speak up, then cut them off. Period.
Hi A4L, I came on here for the first time in ages and read your pain. Im sorry your in such pain. I wanted to suggest reaching out to AA meetings as well as here, they are available on zoom, im sure you already know that but I wanted to say, your not alone and this pain grows in isolation in my own experience. A sponsor is a Godsend in times like these, just to vent and release the thought patterns that are causing the pain and for me, my sponsor can see way beyond my view and can offer me a different perspective that the pain does not allow me to see.
Please dont sit with this on your own, pick up the phone to your sponsor, reason things out. x
