Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

Kathleen 

I did not have the emotional strength or the dollars to say go ou dby in person to my mother.   One day she literally just dropped dead on the street 

My mother died when I was with the qualifier. Now I think he resented having the focus taken off him for one moment.  He was needless to say enraged that one moment was not all about hin. The middle of the nught ohone call was not him going to  njail, crashing the car, running out of gas. If it  was not all about him then what was all the fuss about? 

In his family death was never spoken about 

Soon after I left the qualifjer his brother overdosed. 

His mother has never acknowledged it 

For her the only way to cope is to deny.  Now his brothet bever existed. He is wiped off the mao. He simoly disappeared 

Denial is the.most basic response for many people 

I have worked very hard to grieve ny mother. I work throuh different layers of that every week 

Every week there is a new facet 

The grief no longer is the knock you off your socks kind 

I find myself understanding where some of her behavior came from.  That is not a way to excuse it or find a way to have sone bond with her about it.  

In a pandemic it must be very hard to get ro goodbye. Every day we are reelimg from yet another shut down or totally out out of  the blue or rather left wall development 

I was not there in person to say goidbye to my mother. I was also not in a position to mourn with my family..  After all ny family was brought uo in vioence addiction and brital betrayals   That isnt a bond of love and oeace and nitial inderstanding 

My background means that everything we take for granted about family was never possible.  That simoly never hapoenef in my.familu.  Not one normal moment ever.  

Therefore it is not an issue that I could not exoerience a.memorial funeral or any other matter about her passing 

There was nothing remotely normal about my relationship with my mother so there was never going to be a time when that changed. 

Love does not come into play when you have experienced that kind of chikdhood. There is no explanation for my mother that comes in a hallmark version or sone greetimg card. 

I am t oh totally at oeace with that today but it took me decades to get there. Decades of digging (,the truth cant be summed up in a hallmark verse or sentimentality) grieving and hurting

Today it doesnt hurt in the same earth shattering way and i certainly do not have to have it known 

Nevertheless I am so so grateful that I do not have to try to make my experience fit in with others.  There was nothing remotely normal about my childhood or my experience with my mother so it is to be exoected saying goodbye would not be remotely normal either.  

Maresie