David

Happy anniversary in al anon 

I went to an al.anon neeting many decades ago. I did not like what I heard because of course I was still looking for life to match my terms.  How hard and fast I held to that belief. 

Then after I was with the qualifier (of course I had many qualifiers but he was the one who cemented the deal) .  He took it to a whole other level. 

He was the one who took me to a.new place and it was almost immediately.  I had plenty of opportunity to say this is not for me.  However I stayed then I stayed some more. Then Inset limits and let him walk all over them. After alk they were onky a figment of my imagination anyway 

I started looking for online help. Al anon was the one that offered me most of the help. After all it is a first step to identify the issues. Needless to say with the qualifier I lived in a sea of dysfunction or rather unmitigated chaos every day all day.  At a xertain point that was all there was. 

Then with al anon there were the tools the way to detach. The way to live and let live (that is to give uo the victim stance: everyone else is so dysfunctional why can't I make a living, have a decent place to live and oh yeah be able to tolerare certain work envirinments without being totally focused o otgers rather than myself)  After all I have to live in the world wherever I.am.  i have to be able to navigate certain situations. If I throw my hands up in the air and labek then all toxic and withdraw that is not really navigating anything.

That is giving up.   After all the choices of #giving up# are all around us in tents, living in cars and staying in homeless sheltets. (I know several people who have been in a homeless shelter for years), 

I was of course real ready to give up in the sea of chaos I lived in.  I was ready to totally surrender.  Instead I started to take the suggestions. I found ways to detach from the qualifier.  That is no small task since he would regularly do things like let the electricity bill go.  Sitting in the dark and acting like it is no big deal (because I was not going to pay the bill) was revolutionary 

Being able to tough out so many situations was not my forte.

This week I had one of ny employers to  transfer me to another unit. That means I will earn thousands of dollars more when what he wanted was for me to build his bonus.  I told him that was not gonna pay my creditors. 

I spent years in jobs begging for crumbs. Five years in retail after I left the qualifier. I never got the hours I wanted there. 

I spent two years in another job who were as cavalier about my hours as my now former boss is.  They laid us off one Christmas and then in January told us to come back 3 weeks later.   Truly a great place to work.  

I was not able to negotiate or even cope with such scenarios 

Now they are more fodder for me to say I have already had my full this year. 

I most certainly railed against the suggestions because of course I was still waiting for the world to go my way. It was either my world or the highway.  The highway was not exactly enlightening or even helpful 

Therefore the more I practice the skills the more I am able to go out in the world and handle it. 

This share was meant to be how much more functional it is in New Zealand than where I am. That is not the point really. The whole point of al anon is to make your life work not retreat and say why isnt the world the way I want it to be.  After all a oandemic is not something anyone imagined before now. 

All the plans I had earlier this year when Inscrimped and savef to put some money together evaporated. 

I do not have the luxury of waiting around for this sitiation to change. Whi know when it will.  Gone are the days when I will deoend on others to #save# me. I know where that got me. 

So I have to really lean in on al anon (and a new therapist) to get me to another place. That is back to the place I was at when I was building up to other plans. 

Without al anon I could have spent my whole life in # poor me# mode. Al anon helped me not just to get to but to be able to navigate life on life's terms. 

Maybe the pandemic had some secret blessings within it because none of us knows when this will end. So I have to give up thinking about when it gets back to.  After all there is only today and life is not a dress rehearsal it right now today. Today deserves my full attention rather than waiting around for when it gets to be #my way#  

Maresie