Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

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Post Info TOPIC: Monday, Monday...

~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2413
Monday, Monday...


   smile ... a good start... a bit cloudy outside... cool spring...

...we had  big glitch in our church. It is a tiny one, really... [church that is] [but a seemingly big glitch.] But it did work through yesterday. The senior poster and I was on opposite poles, as far as our election went on Saturday.

So I took a bottle of grape juice down and encouraged him to drown his sorrows.

It helped that our team won decisively on Sunday, against Australia.

My plan is to have 14 good active years- and then wind down and retire at age 84. We had no retirement saving so i had to wk my butt off making up the difference in recent years. But I did make it. Not a fortune. But enough to love on. it was not all my own effort, by any means- just my side of the bargain.

Having economic security is one of the gifts of recovery, for me. It has helped that i liven a lucky country- which is smaller, and therefore more manageable.

I used to feel "less than" living in a small out of the way place... but not now... my attitude of gratitude is spreading, hopefully no tin an overwhelming way- but in a sure certain way.

My yearning for serenity ended up in achieving some sort of empathy. I recognised this in people around me at first. And then realised that:- birds of a feather flock together... 

6 or 8 years ago I lost my field worker job. I had been getting older- and was trying to compete with younger migrant workers. I could scarcely dress or undress myself. I was having panic attacks back to back- as I realise now.

I was in a shocking state of disrepair.

I got work up on the mountain- the sort of job that required ditch digging and breaking up rocks. A lot of working to. This was an old mining water race converted for irrigation. This restored my self esteem.

I was badly and sadly betrayed by my AF. He didn't even have the guts to stand for me when he was alive. 

However I had joined another 12 step group- which offered a benign form of therapy- and this got me by.

I needed this Alanon group for 18 months or so- and learned in it heavily. I found that it did hold my weight up... goal was, eventually show a certain amount of discipline- which meant the construction of flexible boundaries- and to fit in and bend in...

...but this online MIP group offers us 3 or 4 meetings a week!

I used to estimate that I needed 40 years of meetings- going forward.

But I think I have gotten these already- and then some! smile ...


This month is my 38th birthday in Alanon. I am in the same town where I started. I still have memories of my first meeting.

This meeting set the stage for the person I am today. aww 

Like it that newcomers can find a home here. Not every one- that is impossible...

but enough to tell that this is a healthy vibrant place... aww ...

smile Thanks for the share- hoping too coming week brings pleasure and joy to y'all... aww

Kia ora koutou... me te manaakitanga, te manuhiritanga, te orangatanga... [this just translates the 2 or 3 lines above].


Ka kite ano... [y'all come back now!]



A Universe that Creates Flowers : Has to be Trustworthy.

~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 729


Happy anniversary in al anon 

I went to an al.anon neeting many decades ago. I did not like what I heard because of course I was still looking for life to match my terms.  How hard and fast I held to that belief. 

Then after I was with the qualifier (of course I had many qualifiers but he was the one who cemented the deal) .  He took it to a whole other level. 

He was the one who took me to place and it was almost immediately.  I had plenty of opportunity to say this is not for me.  However I stayed then I stayed some more. Then Inset limits and let him walk all over them. After alk they were onky a figment of my imagination anyway 

I started looking for online help. Al anon was the one that offered me most of the help. After all it is a first step to identify the issues. Needless to say with the qualifier I lived in a sea of dysfunction or rather unmitigated chaos every day all day.  At a xertain point that was all there was. 

Then with al anon there were the tools the way to detach. The way to live and let live (that is to give uo the victim stance: everyone else is so dysfunctional why can't I make a living, have a decent place to live and oh yeah be able to tolerare certain work envirinments without being totally focused o otgers rather than myself)  After all I have to live in the world wherever  i have to be able to navigate certain situations. If I throw my hands up in the air and labek then all toxic and withdraw that is not really navigating anything.

That is giving up.   After all the choices of #giving up# are all around us in tents, living in cars and staying in homeless sheltets. (I know several people who have been in a homeless shelter for years), 

I was of course real ready to give up in the sea of chaos I lived in.  I was ready to totally surrender.  Instead I started to take the suggestions. I found ways to detach from the qualifier.  That is no small task since he would regularly do things like let the electricity bill go.  Sitting in the dark and acting like it is no big deal (because I was not going to pay the bill) was revolutionary 

Being able to tough out so many situations was not my forte.

This week I had one of ny employers to  transfer me to another unit. That means I will earn thousands of dollars more when what he wanted was for me to build his bonus.  I told him that was not gonna pay my creditors. 

I spent years in jobs begging for crumbs. Five years in retail after I left the qualifier. I never got the hours I wanted there. 

I spent two years in another job who were as cavalier about my hours as my now former boss is.  They laid us off one Christmas and then in January told us to come back 3 weeks later.   Truly a great place to work.  

I was not able to negotiate or even cope with such scenarios 

Now they are more fodder for me to say I have already had my full this year. 

I most certainly railed against the suggestions because of course I was still waiting for the world to go my way. It was either my world or the highway.  The highway was not exactly enlightening or even helpful 

Therefore the more I practice the skills the more I am able to go out in the world and handle it. 

This share was meant to be how much more functional it is in New Zealand than where I am. That is not the point really. The whole point of al anon is to make your life work not retreat and say why isnt the world the way I want it to be.  After all a oandemic is not something anyone imagined before now. 

All the plans I had earlier this year when Inscrimped and savef to put some money together evaporated. 

I do not have the luxury of waiting around for this sitiation to change. Whi know when it will.  Gone are the days when I will deoend on others to #save# me. I know where that got me. 

So I have to really lean in on al anon (and a new therapist) to get me to another place. That is back to the place I was at when I was building up to other plans. 

Without al anon I could have spent my whole life in # poor me# mode. Al anon helped me not just to get to but to be able to navigate life on life's terms. 

Maybe the pandemic had some secret blessings within it because none of us knows when this will end. So I have to give up thinking about when it gets back to.  After all there is only today and life is not a dress rehearsal it right now today. Today deserves my full attention rather than waiting around for when it gets to be #my way#  














~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2413


  aww Maresie... NZ is about the size of Kansas- and family manageable. But unlike Kansas it is surrounded by sea- so we don't have to answer to others- if we choose not to. Lovely share, my friend. 

We have time to swap notes about workplace issues- especially down the bottom end of the pecking order.




A Universe that Creates Flowers : Has to be Trustworthy.

~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2066

(((David))) I absolutely LOVED your share...yea, with fed. help and unemployment and my frugality, I have HOPE of retiring at age 84, too, LOL.....I was way too messed up to put away for retirement but recovery has helped me now have hope...I do have a nest egg and I could be unemployed for 2 years and be FINE but really, I want to slow down...OR find a happier and adequate means of it to my HP

thanks for the great share...


Rose, a work in progress!!!


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 729

The UK is surrounded by sea too. Wales is a about to go into lockdown.
In the past all this chaos would drive me to despair
Now I make plans
Big difference
When I was with the qualifier all my focus was on getting him to a place where he would not be in chaos.
Now my focus is on me.
Whatever I do all I have is today
This pandemic is a good indicator that none of us know
what is coming down the line.
Great to know that one thing I can rely on is the program
my therapist.
My boundaries now that I have them
My health (fought hard for that one)
My resilience and most of all my focus.
I am totally aware that the Qualifier both craved and hated my focus on him. Of course he both craved and hated everything in his life including his dog who he tossed aside in a heartbeat
I gave my counting on much in this pandemic
I know I can count on certain people daily for support, love understanding. That is crucial
Of course I think it is easier for me to count on that since I gave up #poor me# because that is hard to sustain.
My friends dont have #poor me# anymore either.
Maybe it insidious to shed the #poor me's #,when one finally gets to the point of being willing tonstep outside it.

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