The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this group. My first time inquiring for help to deal with an alcoholic husband who is verbally abusive and I am just beaten down. I left him to heal my heart. How do I heal from all this sadness?
-- Edited by Sad Cat on Thursday 15th of October 2020 06:33:28 PM
Sad Cat, welcome!!! You are in the right place, or one of them at least. How do we heal ourselves? That is such a heartfelt question, and the first answer that comes to mind is -- one day at a time. I too had a husband with this disease, and although he was not abusive, I became exhausted and hopeless. I have found healing. It was not a fast process, but I have so much joy and hope today.
I got into Al-Anon meetings, literature, sponsor, steps. I learned about self-care, and that did not just mean "take a bubble bath and get a manicure." it meant learning to appreciate and value myself, warts and all. It meant caring about myself, and seeing that others cared about me.
You will get a lot of wisdom here. I hope you will stick around and keep coming back. The miracle happens in time.
Hi Sad and welcome to the group...I love what Freetime said to you, It was for me a one day at a time process...I got a sponsor, I reached out to loving/supporting souls (mostly recovery mates) but also some non recovery who just had big hearts, and I , when I wanted my down time, I got it..there were times I just wanted to write in my journal and allow my feelings to come up and FEEL them....tears, anger, fear, resentments, oh yea, but I allowed them and I investigated their origins and I nourished/nurtured myself as I felt...I also cut out or distanced myself from the non supporters, the ones who had no compassion for my need for recovery...I read the literature, I went to meetings galore, the old saying 90 meets in 90 days?? yea, sometimes I doubled up because I was unemployed and then partially employed when i first started my program so I went to meetings....I got worksheets on the steps on line, got a bunch of them and I worked the steps with recovery mates and now I sorta do it by myself, but I have recovery friends with whom we trade recovery/support with each other.....you are very normal to feel badly right now, but AS you grow in recovery, life WILL get better because YOU will get better......please keep coming back
Aloha Sad Cat and I also welcome you to the board. Truly this is a place where miracles progress. I entered the Al-Anon Family Groups unwillingly a long time ago and fought the process from the beginning. I am male and thought then I had all of the solutions without knowing what the problem was. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what alcoholism was all about not even knowing that I was born and raised within it.
I learned to practice living under those conditions including relationships with alcoholics and addicts. When I got into this program I was not aware that if I learned a different way of living I would eventually have a life I would not surrender on purpose for any reason so I became a student of the program and the members using all of the tools; literature, meetings, sponsorship, services and more. I learned to listen, listen, listen and practice, practice, practice this new way of living which I continue to do even after starting in 1979.
The only relationship I have with alcohol today is the program of recovery. I can say it best from the mouth of a sponsee who told me that at a birthday party when he was handed a beer upon entering the house he found himself saying, "No thanks I've had enough". He was done with the disease one day at a time.
There is so much to learn here from the experiences of others who have been here a long time also. You can and must only take care of one person and that is you. One of the tools we have that can be passed on to you is the 3Cs of recovery.
We didn't CAUSE IT.
We cannot CONTROL IT
We will not CURE IT.
Keep coming back...this works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Thursday 15th of October 2020 08:40:22 PM
Certainly it is hard to deal with the sadness. I know that uncovering shame is a huge part of healimg. Leaving is a very ery hard task because of course you have become attached to the confusion that goes along with that kind of indifipud intense relationship. You have bought into the lie of course that it is all you and not them. They are after all absolutely oerfect in every asoect and they promote that endlessly babisers are masters at deception
Leaving and acknowledging abuse it is easy to get in a place where you can get quite negative and down on yourself. . After all you bought the projection it is all #you# and ever ever them. They are unassailable in their justifaction for calling you names,labelling you sick and deriding you in oublic which is akways so dI'm hecessary for them. In fact they are entirely convincing that they entirely incaoable of having s bad thought about anyone except of course you as you are 100% at fault every time without fail. You forced th hem to all you.all those nails. How poweful and mean You are !!!
In fact their lashing out in oubluc is meant to be punishment for the very idea you could have any sort of request of them. Speak up, they lash out, shame others but most soecificaly label them as subhuman because you actually dared to state your needs. The beng shsmed in oublic abd labelled dysfunctional in oublic being the true forte of the vicious abuser whose rage kniws ni boundary whatsoever. In fact any interaction that does not go their way is of course absolutely unacceotable and they have an absolute right to decry you on ppublic (after all they crave attention) as subuman for even considering a boundary. 0nly they have boumdaries after all.
They arethe only privileged. Being.
This methodology of bullying is spmethimg I was mystified by in the past. What did I do to be pronounced dysfunctional and sub human at a moment's notice? The issue being the verbal abuser who labels, denounces and declares thenselves a victim in every breath is showing their true colors very clearly. But then of course they will never take respinsibility because they are devoid of conscience.com0letely.
Of course many alcoholucs can appear to be quite attractive at first. There are many people with socioppathic traits that include soewing verbal abuse about people's weight, the fact they even breathe and more. Whatever the incident their orwung hate abd rage is skways always justifiable. After all they cannot even concieve of acvountability in any measure.
They appear quite engaging, show an imterest in you in s very marginal way. They have quute a facility to look like they are interested in engaging. Underneath that surface is this malignant r age which erupts when you attempt to set a boumdary. A boundary. What possibility is that around them? They are the only one who counts in.any interaction They are oblivious to the fact that they have very little control over their emotions. Spewing hate one.minurex claimiing you ate a soecial person the next. What heady stuff that is. They are not even aware they are doing it is their second natire to ppur scorn on others. Most of sll they hsve a great sense of entitlement in fact only theur needs count. You are not accorded any in.their audience. Who you? I.mean how coukd you even suggest you even exist. . Their massive sense of entitlement is of course to put up this charade they are a good, kimd person after they have soewed hate abd dispersions on a dime regularly. in fact they are really convinced such behavior is entirely acceorable because of course only their opinion counts. The cue being that whatever the encounter you are the one who is at fault. If you ask for a boumdary somehow they project that it is their boundary that has been crossed. After all never forget it is only their boundaroes that count on every occasion. Your plight is to negotiate unravelling all this insidious behavior snd unentangling yourself from it. But when you do the joy is you no longer entertain the charade that the verbal abuser manages to oass off so well as you made them do it. Then you get to have a chance to really listen for the i insidious asaault you are absolutely guaranteed to get when you attemot to set any limits whatsoever. And when their rageful true nature erupts in an attemot to.shame you, you can step away swiftly and adeotly. You have grace and matirity but most of all you see their total pack of conscience precisely.
Look forward to that time. Know there are no apologies from the verbal abuser because they are irrefutably shamebound
They are never sorry because the only thing they regret is not running out sooner.
The only person you have to feel sad for is yourself that you were caught in such an entangment. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually you get to be imoervious to.their claims of soecialness and love. In tact you get to love yourself enough to say they can keeo their soecialness all to themselves.
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 16th of October 2020 04:47:02 AM
I too send you a warm welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared and reached out. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, for which there's really no cure. Those who have not experienced it directly or indirectly rarely understand how we (friends and family) are affected, yet we are. You are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery.
What I know for me is that I arrived to Al-Anon feeling completely defeated, and so sad/mad/overwhelmed/anxious. I did not truly know which way was up, as I'd been in the reactive, battle position for a while. When I arrived, others appeared happy, calm, detached, sane and I could not figure out how we were alike. What I came to realize is this program is for us, about us and does help us heal and deal with the disease of alcoholism/addiction in others.
I had hoped for a quick fix and/or instructions for getting my loved ones sober. Instead, I found a path to peace, with effort/hard work. The first thing I recall has been mentioned - the three C(s). I also heard/appreciated that members don't advise, judge, gossip, etc. which gave me comfort as I was full of shame for the state of my family. The exception is abuse and the typical suggestion is to be sure you tap local available resources for your own personal safety.
Please keep coming back. You'll find tons of ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) that will help you find peace and serenity, one day at a time.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Freetime is correct... miracles happen in time. Perhaps the first constructive thing I learned here was the Three C's - I did not Cause It (the disease of addiction), I could not Control It, and sadly, I could not Cure It. In all honesty, I am not sure which one was hardest to embrace! Yeah, sure, I was intelligent enough to understand that I wasn't the Cause... but oh, how I wanted to Control (tried for years), and I just couldn't understand how all my love and support couldn't Cure.
As a veteran once wrote here... "If Love conquered all, there would be no need for Al-Anon, for this group/forum!" It took me awhile to accept that the statement, "Love Conquers All" is not true... a trifle statement. I used to see that statement around, and have actual anger within me!!! I held onto that resentment for a long time. Too long. When I see that statement in the world today, I understand it to read, "Love is an open heart." For with that statement, all things are possible. Healing is possible. Acceptance of "What Is" is possible. Even forgiveness is possible. We need to be open and willing.
My marriage ended after 29 years. I used to be so angry. At my spouse, then at the disease, then at God. Through Al-Anon, I found a way to have compassion for my Ex, understanding of the disease, and a different relationship with a Higher Power. Al-Anon helped me to uncover myself. The part I played in my marriage, the behaviors I developed living alongside Addiction, and what my needs truly were. My sponsor and the good veterans here on this board helped me to learn how to validate myself, take ownership of the things in my 'Hula Hoop.' and identify what was most important in my life. I learned how to move away from the victim role... even today (three years out from taking a stand) I can slide back into feeling sorry for my Life. However, my sponsor reminds me that there was a good reason I chose my path. In the end, after all is said and done, my reality is that I could not live with the uncertainty/chaos of living with someone with this disease. I needed stability. Both emotional and financial. That was my bottom line.
I feel it takes a lot of courage to admit that one is not perfect. I love when iamhere writes that as a human, she is "Perfectly Imperfect." I carry that around with me now. I am perfectly imperfect, but I can live with an open mind and open heart!
It is not all rainbows and unicorns for me though. I still grieve the end of my marriage. This week was especially hard as it contained my anniversary date. I found myself remembering all the good times while not even touching on the bad times... dangerous thinking for me, as that is my pattern. I tend to "forget" the bad pretty easily. I have learned it is a coping mechanism and does not serve me in the end. So I reached out to my sponsor and she said, "Why not do another Step 4?" Yes! Brilliant! So I worked on peeling that onion that is my mind. When I had a question or an epiphany, I would text her. That helped me to get through this week. It helped me to remember that Time Heals. My hope is that there will come a day that I can look back at my marriage with nothing but appreciation. No sadness, no anger, no resentments.
How do you heal from all the sadness? By first understanding and accepting that YOUR journey will be different than another's. Work the program, but accept that healing takes time. How much time is completely individual.
I hope that today you are finding peace. Keep coming back. Even if you don't post, read. I found validation, healing, and acceptance of myself through reading other's posts.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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