The abject neglect i experienced in my childhood is very very difficult to work through. I have come a long long way. 

In the fsce of slcoholism it is hard to find ways to respond. Indeed it requires great skill and patience to do that

When you look at Maslow's hierachy of need I did not get off the first rung. Thetefore my exoectations of myself are also way off. 

I think seeing the response to the alcoholic's behavior as a desperate way to fulfil needs is pretty astute 

However up against an slcoholic who has been refinimg their manipulation skills for decades it is pretty hopeless. 

Sometimes I am in awe of the qualifier's ability ti reboumd. . 

Yout resilience in the face of so much abuse and neglect us formidable 

 

 

   Thanks for your support Maresie, and P. 

A member recently said to me that is is a gradual program, not a graduate program.

15 years i might have argued back and blue about that one- mostly with myself.

I do thing there are turning points and milestones, as each layer of the onion is peeled off.

I used to wonder what was going to be left- in the middle of the onion!

Mostly, today I can fall back on the serenity prayer, having once again tackled something I had no hope of changing! ...

but then reflecting on the little successes on the other side of the ledger.

Making my life more liveable and comfortable- and helping to make the world a tiny bit better...  ...

 

I go to a meditation group down the hill at the village hall. [From the days when it still was a village!]

I volunteered to open up next Tuesday morning...

...taking some aspects of our recovery- out into the wider world.  ...

-- Edited by DavidG on Tuesday 13th of October 2020 11:07:52 PM

great Topic, David

for me, the terrible abuse AND abandonment, caused me comples/childhood PTSD...and back then, the feelings of being unwanted and useless, etc., taught me that I had to "explain" my existance?? my rights to anything?? even hunger, one had to J A D E why they wanted to eat at a particular time...because I am HUNGRY, but with those people, if it did not fit his scedule, too bad...She was too drunk to really know what was going on....

abandonment is the big pre-cursor of the J A D E thing, IMO....abandonment made me feel totally useless, unwanted (which to them I was) and it really cratered my sense of self, self esteem, forget self love, I hated me because if your own parents don't want you, who will???

Luckily, I got enough of a respite from that with my loving MY family of choice, that wonderful family where the 2 sisters whom I adored are both, now, deceased...mom and dad went first, he was first, then mom, then the 2 girls...I have no clue where brother Herbie is, he just is MIA to everyone, but THOSE wonderful people DID want me , I probably would have lost my sanity entirely had it not been for them and my loving aunt and uncle, uncle was his brother but Polar opposite of what he was...so I did get SOME relief, the monster just would not let me go, I had TWO loving families who tried very very hard to get full custody and even adopt me, I think mom would have cut me loose to save me, but he was NOT gonna let go....the only "touching" I ever got was the horrible, dark, ugly touch from him, or a slapping from her...

the damage to my self esteem was horrid, I know it killed mom and dad Godfrey to watch me just die inch by inch...they thought it was her drinking and the alcoholic chaos she caused...

anyway, I sorta got off track...when I J A D E , I journal my fears and my feelings...what triggered me to think I have to Justify a boundary or argue a point of view, its my right!! or why do I have to defend myself?? not sure of me?? step 10...and to explain why I don't want to do this or that when "NO" is a one word sentence

today, my neighbor who has let me down TWICE over promises to do some upgrades to my car, I finally found a wonderful mobil Mechanic to take care of my needs for reasonable...I have a nice Honda SUV that I want to take very good care of so Monday was brakes.....my neighbor called me today and i answered the phone and just said, "hello, I am busy, whats up???" he asked me if I got my brakes done?? and I said "yes" and that was it...No explaining, just "yes" and I added to that "i'm busy, I cannot talk now"

so today , he texts me and wants to come over to "talk things out" I merely said "no, I am not available for company" end of sentence...I don't have to explain WHY I want to be by myself to grieve over my dead loved one...or Justify, why I don't want someones company....a kind, simple, "No I am not available for company" was enough...i was kind, polite, not rude, but its MY business WHY I want my down time this evening...

i no longer, after I do a quicky step 10 feel like I have to argue or justify, or explain or defend ANYTHING boundary wise, my rights, my needs/wants/preferences/what I don't want, etc, to ANYONE as long as I am not hurting their boundaries or being unkind

GREAT topic, David