Aloha BT and grateful for your honest share.   I relate because I have been there and done that often enough.  My relationship were with addicted women and being an addicted man myself the outcomes were terrible.  I went from one to the other not knowing what I was doing or how to make my life better.  When I finally arrived at the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups with my mind and ears open I started to understand...only started and then went on to listen and learn avidly including college and inventories.  I was built to make the mistakes I made as I was born and raised an enabler in this family disease on both my mother and father's sides of the family.  I learned my family needed the enabler and I reluctantly fulfilled the role.

I learned that for me relationships need the giver and taker yet there has to be boundaries which I had not learned yet so I became one-sided with all of the consequences for that which are spoken about and studied.  I learned in this program that we are at our best not practicing perfection but relying on progression.  That is the part of my relationships I had to learn; if she doesn't do her part "Ohhh well".  I learned to include a relationship who would allow me to carry on during the Ohhh well periods of time and that entity being a power greater than myself who supports and guides me to better outcomes thru better decisions and behaviors.

My loss experiences are now short to part time.  Yes I don't like it when they are occurring as my spouse does in her way...she struggles with them also and that is progression.  I feel sad for anyone that goes thru what we go thru.  Going thru this just one day at a time makes it all more manageable.  I have the tools of our program to use mind, body, spirit end emotions.  The old tools of blame and shame get stored deeper into the back of the closet.  Haven't forgotten how to hug and kiss and say "I'm sorry" and "Yeah, crap that hurt too".

And then I keep coming back especially to this program and this board where I can learn more about experiencing loss.

Thank you again for your honest share and please keep coming back.   ((((hugs)))) 

Going into a relationship takes a lot of courage. Leaving one especially in tact ('speaking as someone who always left barely crawling away) is also an act of courage 

For me grieving my family of origin has been a matter of grieving what never was.    Certainly there were not very many moments of anything approaching normal in my family life.   Thst was extremely painful for me to comprehend let alone  come to terms with 

The same goes for relationships which were tumultuous to say the least.   Of course my expectations of them were unreal. I have to work pretty hard on getting to reasonable expectstions of myself.   

Losing a relationship.was devastating to me not for ehat I had which was usually pretty meager (,I could not tolerate more than that) was all about my expectations.  My expectations were of course born from unmet needs which was impossible to even think about let alone grieve. 

Then there are of course the reasonable expectations of any relationship which an alcoholic generally manages to short circuit pretty quickly.  Needlees to say I was alway dominated in those relationships. In fact I always tolerated the subordinate role in order to try to squeeze out something I bought as a version of #caring#  

That is one of the paradoxs of the al anon program for me. Givung up exoectations of the alcoholic was key. Yet  having reasonable expectations in every relationshio is appropriate 

I clung to that notion for a long time. After all I was entitled to a reasonable relationship.  However from day one with an alcoholic there was nothing reasonable about it 

Grieving a relationshio that never was is worthwhile because it is a oathway to finding ourselves 

For me grieving the relationshio that never was with so many people is a continuation of my childhood. 

The sister who never was (my younget sister is an akcoholic);?older sister is a psychopath whose manipulation skills are supremely honed.  Grieving those relationships that never were went through many incarnations to acceptance.  Acceptance being a place I never thought I would reach. 

Al anon has heloed me immensely in grieving these relationships that never were anything remotely nuturing.   I am so thrilled for you that you can give yourself the time and space to grow.   What an incredible gift 

Maresie 

(((BT))) - there is no shame ever in grieving the end of a relationship - no matter the good/bad equation of it. We each have to go through what we have to go through to get 'there'...and there is typically different for each of us. I 100% agree that this pandemic and virus are probably not helping - I believe that it has affected everyone, and not in a positive way. I do agree with Jerry in that no matter what's going on in my life and in my heart/head, it does seem much more doable, one day at a time.

Keep coming back and know you're not alone!! Love your outlook - progress, not perfection!!