Andrea253 wrote:

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Hi everyone, hoping to get your advice on this. 

My younger brother has been struggling with alcohol use for a few years, but things have been significantly worse the last couple months. I don't think he would meet the criteria for alcoholism, but there are many concerning signs--drinking alone, drinking when depressed, getting angry and yelling when drunk, lying about his drinking habits, etc. This has been impacting our family dynamics a lot and has been more of strain on my emotional state recently.

I personally made the decision a long time ago not to drink, but am dating someone who does drink. I think he on occasion drinks excessively (>several drinks in one evening, usually with others, 1-2x/month), and he has an uncle with alcoholism, but I haven't noticed significant warning signs otherwise. I don't think drinking (even to the point of getting intoxicated) is inherently wrong, but as things have been worsening with my brother, I am getting increasingly anxious about my relationship. I have been worrying a lot about about the what ifs--what if my boyfriend becomes an alcoholic 10-20 years down the line? I discussed my discomfort and my reasons for reacting so strongly with him (because I do think he's on the spectrum of unhealthy behaviors), and he agreed he should cut back to drink more moderately. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him (he's always been very truthful and upfront), but I find myself having so much difficulty trusting him. 

I acknowledge that a part of my anxiety is projecting my experiences with my brother onto my boyfriend. I worry that no matter what my boyfriend's behaviors are, I'm always going to have this fear that it will escalate into something else. Any advice for separating out these two situations, and viewing things more objectively? Do you think this fear will get better or will my experiences with my brother likely make our discordant drinking habits a fundamental incompatibility?

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 Hi Andrea and I also welcome you to the MIP Family.  We have come here with the same reasons that brought you here and we have stayed and listened and learned and supported so many others who have gone thru what you are going thru now.

Alcoholism is a disease not a moral issue though evidence of the presence of it so often shows up in the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of the drinker and those affected by the drinking.

We don't give advise as we are not qualified and those of us who are or have been clinically qualified will share with you what happened with us or to us only.  I was born and raised in this disease both sides of my family and later picked it up both as a drinker and an enabler of the disease in my families of issue.  I am also a former BHT who worked in the counseling areas with individuals and families affected by the disease in others.  All of my relationships have been affected and to the positive side affected by the recovery programs of AA and the Al-Anon Family Groups.

It was suggested by my former sponsor that "I learn everything I could about the disease of addiction" which supported my decision to take it up in college.  There is so much valid supportive information within the medical health industry that I encourage using it along with Al-Anon.

Alcoholism is not curable and can be arrested by total abstinence.  If not arrested it most often progresses to future reuse or "relapse" which is often much worse and then to often to death many forms you are already aware of.   

As enigmatic mentions, Our 3Cs...We haven't caused it, cannot control it and will not cure it is valuable awareness.  The industries will not cease creating it so we live in the reality of it continuing.  Ice Cream today now can be bought with the flavors of alcohol.

There is so much supportive and helpful Experience, Strength, and Hope in the meetings and here that I encourage you to participate as often as you will.

Al-Anon Literature is awesome and you can find it all thru World Services or the meeting rooms when you can find them.  

Coming here is direct contact with those of us who work a program of recovery on a daily basis because we know this works when we work it.

It has saved my life in reality and I have watched it do the same for many more before and after.  

Welcome again...Hope and Pray you find what you need.     ((((Hugs))))    Just a note "Projecting" is an enabling behavior that causes the problem to progress...get worse.

   My dad was a social drinker- I doubt that he ever had to drink alone. He didn't have to.

      We come from a rural community and he had a group of cobbers always available to drink with.

      To them an alcoholic was a person who sat on a park bench with a bottle of cheap wine still wrapped

      in a paper bag.

      Just opening up and talking is a really good start. Reaching out- if you need to- and finding a face 2 face group

      of Alanon might be an option. But sticking with us here would have about the same advantage, in my view.

      This share- your share is what we would expect, as you begin to create a boundary around that your brother

      is up to- and what may or may not happen in your own life.

      If a person tries to slow down, to even to quit- and finds that they cannot- that is a good test.

      Either way, I think you  have come to the right place.

      DavidG.