The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Happy Thursday MIP family. Today's reading discusses how working the program helps us place our problems in true perspective. The quote of the day is from the Al-Anon suggested welcome - ". . . As we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives."
The reminder: Al-Anon has given me an opportunity to share my home movies with others. My situation is neither the best nor the worst. Although I am unique in some ways, I am more like others than I ever suspected. I will appreciate this sense of fellowship today."
The writing suggests that many of us arrive at Al-Anon and believe that our lives, problems and stories are horrible, bad, perhaps the worst. As this disease affects us, we tend to think of our experience with the disease as an epic, technicolor movie, an extravaganza with our names in lights on the marquee. We discover it's really not - it's just home movies. As we get better, we no longer act the martyr, nor sacrifice ourselves to the cold, cruel world of melodrama. We realize we are not unique and while our role in recovery is important, we can just be a part of.
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I am grateful for all who suggested to me to just practice listening. I'm grateful for all who suggested that I listen for the similarities instead of look for the differences. It was not easy to do - it was darn hard. I was so, so insane and just really wanted the answers to be had to fix those with the disease. Instead, I found tools and a different way of living, thinking, loving and being intending to save me.
I have a dreaded history with this disease, and trust that all others do as well. I am glad we do not focus on all that's happened and how bad it was/is, but instead focus on ourselves and how to detach from the disease and the diseased. I can't share at what point I realized I was not unique, my story wasn't either, and my A(s) were not bad people out to get me, but rather sick people doing what they want/need. It really, really has nothing to do with me, even when it feels like it does.
Our program suggests that it's OK to visit the past, but it's not good for us to hang out there or stay too long. Our program suggests that projecting is unhealthy, and our best shot at true joy, peace and serenity is to stay in the present. This doesn't mean, for me, that I don't still get sad and grieve for what I had hoped in my life, it just means I try to balance out my feelings with actions and plans that bring me joy. Loving an alcoholic is not a death sentence nor is it beyond repair/healing. It's a chapter in a lifetime, hopefully one that has other chapters with different stories/outcomes.
I have a cousin affected by this disease. He walked away from his mother, father, sisters 30+ years ago. There was no fight, no discussion, no reason, nothing, nodda. Nobody talked to him for all this time, he had 5 kids and married a few times but he opted to leave and never returned. His mother, my aunt had a variety of health issues that come with aging and fell sick followed by a coma. We were able to find her son, my cousin, who made the drive to see her. He did not make it before she fell into the coma so did not get to talk with/to her. The whole time he was here waiting for her to die and then for the funeral, he talked about having regrets. His sisters would not speak to him and it was reasonably awkward at times. I just listened and listened and listened without judgement and without advice. I finally, without any source that I know of, just said to him that he had choices - keep living with regrets and stuck in the past or don't let your past define you.
I have opted to live that way for a long time in recovery. I choose to not let my past define me - whether than's my own experience active in this disease or my experience being affected by one I love with this disease. Who I am today is who I choose to be - not a sum total of past experiences. My past is for learning from, not dwelling on or wishing for different.
I'm grateful Al-Anon taught me this! Happy Thursday all - golfed 27 holes and then realized what day it was and here I am. Love and light to all - make it a good day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great share Sis. Glad I hung around to read and learn. As DonT. taught me...Humility is being Teachable and now I know more except for the golfing. I am still just hanging out. Gonna go read my literature and then attend a ZOOOOOOM group. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks IAH for your service and thoughtful share. I'm trying to shed, and making progress, on all of the shame I have felt over the years: about my FOO, abusive brother, two A spouses, and staying with my second A in spite of disapproval from family members. I have become a person I like and respect and reserve the right to make my own decisions in the present. I also try not to beat myself up for past mistakes because that serves no useful purpose. Alanon helps me to grow and change, practice acceptance and compassion, and a whole lot of other good stuff. ODAT.
WOW!!! IAH, GREAT share, I loved reading your part of it...and oh yea, I could relate very much....I thought when I first got into program, my story was so bad, i would be rejected, shunned, attacked, etc, because that is what happened in the "wild" but here??? I got love, support, validation, "you're not alone" and tons of good ESH to help me sort myself out...i am a work in progress..yea, life is still brutal at times, but I can see the roses amongs the manure now....I can see that I have come far and got more good to go....I have hope now, I am just like most of my fellow travelers....A work in progress with issues that I sincerely want to either manage or even get rid of and replace with good approaches...
I also see that this is not a contest, who got squashed the worst...pain is pain...no matter the cause or duration....suffering and pain, thank God, drove me here and I found so many others with whom I could relate with on so many levels.....
