Aloha Mrs S. and welcome to the board and to the family groups as directed on this board.  We are not a certified Al-Anon Family Group as the program is that is connected to World Service and yet this is as close as it gets.  We are almost completely members of the AFG and a majority of us attend meetings also.  We follow the steps and traditions and guidelines regarding anonymity and more so rarely do I see much difference twix here and there.  I have been a member of the Family Groups since 1979 and Miracles in Progress, This site, for a long time also.  I participate in service form...helping others into recovery as I was.  

I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism with both sides of my families and additionally went on to be fully involved in it without even knowing how to say alcoholism or what it meant.  In my original families the word "drunk" referred to the condition but for a young person to use it would be disrespectful and result in punishment.  Of course much of my early  life revolved around alcohol including attendance in parochial private school.  Alcohol doesn't know about that stuff.  It isn't about being bad.  It is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions that will never be cured only arrested by total abstinence if the alcoholic learns and practices what we have come to know as recovery.

The bad and sad stuff that happens is normal and as you come to understand the chemical and the body you will learn a bit more.  I am college educated on the diseases of addiction; alcoholism and drug addiction and I completed college education on the suggestion of my Al-Anon Sponsor; a person, man who was a member of our program and found recovery thru attendance as I learned to do.

All of my relationships with females including those who became wives included our disease.  The fact also is that I am a dual member of this program and AA.  I still have my life because I escaped early death because of recovery.

 

You can come and sit and visit and read and learn and do feedback or just listen for now.  We do the best we can with what we have and learn.  We learn thru the ESH Experience, Strength and Hope of the elders who have been here and worked and live the program daily.

I send prayers and love and hope that you  keep coming back often and let us know where and how you need support.

(((((Hugs))))).

 

Dear Mra S Welcome to tjis wonderful group. Incame here some years ago in immense pain becaise of my qualifier's alcoholism and drug add8ction. I was deeply resentfil, full of self puty and in the #why me# mode.. Most of all. I had absolutely no faith ir trisr that anyone could help.me. Thus group took.ne in, supported me, was oatirnt diligent abd considerate and helped ne immenslely. Our nirmal script of encouraging uou to go to face to face meetings snd establish a base is thwarted hy COVID 19. Nevertheles there are al anom meetings workdwide he kn d remotely. Technically you can join a meeting any time of the day. Getting hold of the program outeratire is apso heloful One of the books that is mentioned here often is Getting them Sober. This small book has a way of putting akcoholism in persoectuve in a humane compassionate manner Welcome to this wonderful place. Coming here for me was the beginning of having self regard. I am so veru very grateful to this program Maresie

Hello Jerry, Maresie, Freetime and David Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Your words gave me hope and strength which is something I need so very much. The overall pattern in my marriage which hasn't even been a full calendar year yet is gas lighting. I see something, I hear something and my husband denies it. He is such a good liar, I know now that he's a liar because a few days ago i took a screenshot about something he did, and then asked him about it and again the gap between the truth of what I saw and what he said was wide and I used to doubt myself and yet even with the screenshot I still doubted myself. If I push to hard for the truth I get punished, it starts with anger, cursing at me, and then throwing things, pushing me, yesterday it was extreme anger, and rudeness in the restaurant, threatening to physically leave the place twice, not wanting to be there, and standing at the end of the table while I tried to eat my last two and a half slices of pizza. It hurts. It is so socially humiliating. Fortunately no one around cares, but I care, he is so hurtful. A few weeks ago, I think 3 Fridays ago or 4, he had met some random guys prior and decided to go hang out for fitness he said. He rang me twice in the night to ask if I wanted food, I was surprised because usually I have to call him. The second time after he thought he hung up (which was too upbrupt), This is the conversation from my end I overheard. 1. Nice dreadlocks are you a rastafarian. 2. Do you have a fella. 3. Am I too young for ya. 4. Can I have your number. 5. For great sex. First he denied, said it wasn't him, said he didn't say that, then went and did more substances and then said it was just the alcohol and that he never ever ever did that before when he was drunk. From last September to January he disappeared for drunk and substance sessions for days on end. During covid he disappeared for a night a few weeks before the above incident. So last night I asked him about things I had seen online because in his attempt to be transparent and make a FB account for us both he forgot I could see what he did last Saturday the day after a very drunken night. All this time, each night was his last time drinking. His denial yesterday OF WHAT I SAW WITH MY OWN EYES was so persuasive that again I doubted myself. There is more history here to hard to write. If I was financially independent, if I wasn't codependent and vulnerable and psychologically damaged and trauma bonded and not so afraid of the world, I would leave. He has no idea the pain he is causing. He has a brain injury. I think I am a womb twin survivor and struggle to be alone and have had horrible things growing up that damaged me. So I now just need to avoid being abused. If I stop talking when he tells me to stop talking it doesnt escalate to violence. I've learned that the hard way. I feel dependent financially, and want the love to work out. I used to feel guilty for saving screenshots of what hes done to me, but slowly over time a mild instinct of self preservation is developing. I even moved us into a building that is nicer than a flat, since our lease ended, with security cameras in the halls, and reception and people around which is a blessing and a curse, it protects me, I can always step out into the halls on a pretext, and he was a victim of violence in the past so it makes him safe, but also it's more people for him to humiliate me in front of or potentially flirt/cheat with. He did leave me once before marriage for another woman. Sorry, he calls it leaving. It was cheating first as for the first month I was under the impression he was with me, but it was us living long distance, and after a few months I kind of got the hint because he disappeared, then he came back. I do love him but there is this thing where when his behaviour isn't right and I try to talk to him, things go very scary. Maybe it's the way I'm talking, maybe it's because he really is dishonest. I still need way more proof of actual infidelity before I will leave, but the disrespect is bad and I need to start regaining my dignity. Because of his strange streak of propensity to flirt, its turning everything in my marriage ugly and he becomes very aggressive. I will write next time on what I saw on the screenshot. There was also an incident Dec 11 where I confronted him on a WhatsApp message and I'm sure now the answer he gave wasn't true, and I was left with fractures and bruises. I did not know that day he had been drinking plus other substances. Now I know to find out. As he goes from zero to 60 anyway. The brain injury was severe and causes ..... impulse control..... Thank you

 

 

MrsS that is what I call a horror story.  It borders on constant danger and when I use to work as a Behavioral Health Therapist the victim had an open appointment book with one of the justifications being saving a life.  I've sat in court with the victims and watched the perpetrator disappear down the justice hallway with a sentence.  Considering all things being true I would seek out therapy that had the same leeway I had with the courts.  If you have suffered physical extreme damage because of and from the relationship admitting "I am powerless" becomes reality.  

Make the call to save your self as we also are powerless.

((((hugs)))) 

 

  You have said it all here, MrsS...

  I would ask: How would you deal with this?

  Answer would be: One day at a time. 

I carried the Al-anon phone number in my wallet for weeks before I called them. When I went to my first meeting my husband was very angry, but I still went. I read whatever I could read, went to counseling, open AA meetings, and al-anon meetings. I truly believe without all of those I would not be here today. Please take care of you first. Welcome to the group.