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Hi everyone. Id like to share my story which is still very raw but this feels like the right place and the right time.
My brother was an alcoholic for some years. It only became apparent to what extent around 2.5 years ago though. This was when him and his wife separated and he moved into a horrible flat on his own. His weight loss was sudden and extremely apparent. He was saying that he wasnt eating much, almost in a bragging way. Maybe it was a cry for help. He was very thin but with an extremely bloated stomach.
He was the most social person and he became someone who just didnt go out and just stayed in drinking at home. Although, he always managed to hold down his full time job. We visited him and he lived in a terrible state, the flat was completely mouldy, tiny and old. We tried to offer help but he often refused. Although, he hadnt given up as he we did paint the flat for him and he did try to get things to look better. He also kept himself fairly presentable.
He admitted that he was an alcoholic but only on a few occasions. One time he cried as he was very poorly and said to me you know Im an alcoholic dont you? My mum spoke to him every single day and he agreed to go to AA but when it came to it, he wouldnt go. His wife had tried everything too. When he was drinking he would often offend people, so many people started avoiding him and didnt offer help. He always said I will handle this but its got to be in my own way.
He had many medical problems throughout the last 2 years. In 2018 he went into hospital but quickly discharged himself after a day. The following week he went back into hospital for a few more days but again, he discharged himself. He had to go to the hospital in an ambulance because he was shaking uncontrollably. He never told us the truth about what was wrong at the hospital, he said it was a stomach infection but we later found out it was cirrhosis of the liver. He also had ascites when he was admitted this time.
The next 2 years went on without any more trips to the hospital etc and we knew he wasnt getting any better but we also didnt know he was getting worse. My mum and him spoke every day, some evenings he didnt make sense and others he did. He managed to still see his kids but often came up with an excuse too. We always supported him throughout and he knew he could call anytime.
He continued to look thin and pretty ill but he seemed to be fully functioning and even managed to find himself a good new job in January 2020. A job where hed have to drive a lot, we thought this could be his saviour!!!! It was his dream job, he was so proud of this new job, he was over the moon!!
Then, lockdown hit and everything went severely wrong. His saviour had been working every day because he had to stay sober in the day. Lockdown came along and he had no reason to stay off the drink. We couldnt go to visit him anymore and things got even more terrible very quickly. My mum would only be able to call him before 10am or she wouldnt be able to speak to him in time before he was completely out of it. We used to call at 10am and hed ask if it was night or morning and what day was it. He was drinking more than ever. April - June was very worrying as we couldnt see him and we could hear that he was getting worse. He had the worst cough, it sounded like he was choking. He thought he had COVID and he tested twice with negative results. He described to us that he felt terrible and achy every day, he called an ambulance one day and they checked him over and said he was ok.
He continued to feel terrible. We think he was drinking around at least 3/4 bottles of wine per day and vodka. He had been called into work mid June and he had terrible nose bleeds in work and they told him he must go to the doctors because he looked so ill and yellow.
He went to the doctors and had blood tests on the Thursday and immediately on the Friday they told him he must go to the hospital and said he needs an ambulance. I still dont know why but they mustve seen some scary results. He refused an ambulance (despite us begging him) and drove himself to the hospital with his bag of toiletries.
In hospital he called us and said he was on lots of medication. We called the hospital and they just said they were detoxing him. After a few days he became incoherent and we could no longer understand him. He could just say a few sentences which sometimes didnt make sense and his cough was horrendous. We heard him fall twice when he was on the phone to us. We werent severely worried as the doctors told us he was just being detoxed to clean his system. As the days went on, we could no longer get hold of him as he had no battery and the nurses said he was asleep when we called. We were not allowed to visit.
On day 7, we had the worst call of our life. The doctor called and said he might not survive. We were utterly gobsmacked. We had no idea it had come to this. He hadnt been in hospital for two years, he hadnt seemed dramatically worse, the hospital had never ever told us it was serious. Absolute shock, devastation and a waiting game. The next day the doctor said they were trying to filter his kidneys and would try everything they could, they said his kidneys were failing and would try dialysis if needs be.
The following day comes, dialysis was no longer an option, he wasnt reacting to filtration and they then told us that it could be possible that hed bleed or have a heart attack and told us they wouldnt resuscitate him. We didnt underhand how everything had suddenly changed. How theyd gone from saying theyd try everything to not.
The next day came and the doctor called and said that he had hepatitis and that they were withdrawing all treatments. They said that even if they could get the hepatitis under control they couldnt get the kidneys and couldnt get the liver back. They told us to get up to the hospital quickly to say our goodbyes. Utter disbelief, devastation and a complete nightmare.
My mother and father couldnt go to the hospital as they were both shielding. I rushed to the hospital to say my goodbyes and my mum and dad were saying goodbye on the phone. He could only make moaning noises and shouts which was distressing and couldnt say any words but the doctor reassured us that he could hear them as they said goodbye. They told him how much they loved him and how they will love him forever.
I rushed to the hospital and prepared myself to see the worst. He was bright yellow and he couldnt move. Nothing could prepare me for this. He was half conscious and when we walked in he awoke and became very agitated and I think he said no no no. He had bright yellow eyes and I couldnt believe my eyes. He could whisper when he was awake. He whispered love you. He didnt open his eyes much that day. He could still move his arms up and he could whisper slightly. We stayed until 10pm that day and then we werent allowed to stay. He survived the night.
The next day I got a text saying you should come now. I was there by 8am and things had got a lot worse. He could no longer move his arms and he wasnt reacting to any sounds. I saw him open his eyes one last time that morning. He peacefully passed away that evening.
This was nearly 3 months ago now. I am now feeling devastation, confusion and guilt. So many what ifs. So many regrets about trying to avoid his company because he often got argumentative. So many regrets of why couldnt we get him to rehab. Why didnt we invite him over more?! And the biggest thought , how did it come down to this? It seemed to happen really fast. We knew he was getting very thin and didnt look good but I didnt think it would get to this. A lot of people said that this wouldnt have happened if it wasnt for lockdown, which upsets me even more. But I believe it would have happened just maybe later. It was very distressing to clear out his car which had lots of water bottles which previously had vodka in (made us question if he was drinking at work), it also had plates, cutlery and lots of clothes in. This made me question if he was sometimes living from his car if he drank whilst working and didnt want to drive home. So many unanswered questions!!!!! Lots of tissues covered in blood in his car, I hope he didnt realise how ill he really was, I pray he didnt know what was happening to him.
I just wish we couldve done something more to change this outcome. The doctor told us that when he was in the hospital he said how many more hits can I take. Meaning how much more can I drink before this kills me. I dont think he knew this was the end for him, I think he thought he was invincible and that it would never result in this.
We are all left with a broken heart now. Thank you for letting me share my personal story.
Eventually the liver gets destroyed. The swollen stomach is one sure sign of liver failure. Your liver is the organ that produces the chemicals to cloy blood Without a clotting factor the blood just pours out
My younger sister got herself to the point of liver failure early. My sister was a clasdmsic alcoholic, loved alcohol fron the beginning and of course still does.
Alcoholics are generally pretty secretive it is oretty hard to work out thise secrets and what they means.
I know both yourself and your family did everything you could for him. It is nirnal yo feel guilt and what if after a traumatic death
Be kind to yourself. Know you are not alone. I am truly sorry for your loss
Maresie
Ems298 - thank you for coming by and sharing your story. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your brother and the pain that you all are experiencing. It has been my experience that part of the disease is isolating. I can tell when the disease is active again in my son(s) because the first change is they usually 'hide' from me. As painful as it is to loose someone you love to this disease, please know there is nothing you could have said, suggested, asked, done that would probably change the outcome.
We've lost several family members to this disease. They were offered help, assistance, rehab, etc. and accepted at times and resisted at others. I have wondered many, many times why some are able to get and stay sober and others are not. My mind/thoughts always return to what we learn first - Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. While you continue with your grieving, may you find comfort in knowing that he's no longer suffering. I am so glad you were able to go and say your good-byes - in our area, they still are not allowing visits to the hospital. It really makes my heart sad that so many world-wide have lost their lives and been alone when they passed over.
Be gentle with yourself and trust that you were a good sister and you did all you could. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Ems)))) you and the family and all who stood by your brother did the very best your could with what you had and bless you for it. As was mentioned alcoholism is so very cunning, powerful and baffling and progressive. I would cry during college courses about our disease which again now reading your share was justified. The jaundice coloration, the very yellow, use to make me question until I found out from my own experience what this disease would and could do.
Bless you and your family and bless you more for sharing your experiences with us so that we come to understand that what we are up against is not minor matter.
Thank you for sharing your grief and pain with us. There is nobody here that hasn't experienced similar feelings, on some level.
I to lost a brother from the disease of alcoholism . My parents tried repeatedly over the years to help him and always went to his side in a crisis. We were a large family and there was not one thing that we could do to change his outcome sadly. He left behind three young daughters at that time.
It is baffling how some people can overcome this disease and some cannot, but it is never the result of a lack of family love. If love could have saved them, we wouldn't be here.
It has been many years now since he passed away and the pain has lessened but has not completely gone way. I have been able though to accept that his journey was his journey and none of us are that powerful to save another's life.
Be kind and gentle with yourself and know that his higher power now has him and he will be ok.
Dear Ems, so so sorry for your loss...The swollen stomache was clearly his liver giving up, like Maresie said, so I won't repeat what she very succinctly said...
.I am facing the same thing with my brother, he is missing more, calling me less, drinking more, covid and the lack of work has given him more time to drink...I hardly hear at all from him since the pandemic.....its sad..i know you all did all you could and we always manage to think "if only I did this...or if I had done that...." we 2nd guess ourselves, but really, ultimately, it was his choice to keep drinking, remove himself from hospital....he chose that road, you all were just there..thats all...trying to love someone with a inner death wish...
just like me...my brother told me a while back that his liver enzymes were beginning to show the alcoholism that hes been at for decades now...i think the only thing that saves him is that he eats like a starved hyena....however, its been MONTHS since i got a text or call...I know "that terrible day" is coming for me as well...I've given him over to God...I have essentially detached with much love....i can't save him....program has helped me see that I can only love him, pray for him, listen to him (when hes drunk, i would get off the phone as quick as I could---too upsetting to hear that weepy, crying alcohol soaked voice) but sober, he is a joy to laugh with to talk with, brilliant mind, very very good looking and could have had it all had it not been for the drink (vodka and orange juice) WHAT a TRAGiC waste of a life that could have been so great....I don't even know if hes alive or not.....
I also have a drug addict brother whom I have not heard from in a few years now...he is a street druggie, somewhere in either LA or Orange Cty California...I have a pastor friend who runs a halfway/recovery home for the addicts....ONE rule---NO drinking/drugging on the premises.....Pastor D finally had to kick him out because he broke the rules, last I talked to pastor, he was on Heroin......so another one I am having to give over.......
its almost like I , when the phone rings and its a massachusetts or california looking number, I think "oh its R or P, gone home to God and won't suffer anymore"
I hear you...to lose someone you love is bad enough, but to lose them to addiction?? or crime?? something that "shouldn't be" in our eyes is even harder...
I hope you stick with Al-anon, there is a ton of support and understanding here.....
My younger sister has alcoholism. She us classic alcoholic tried it loved it immediately drank to excess. The clasdic oucture and throughout her life she remained an alcoholic.
Her best friend was also an alcoholic. They teamed up and led a tumultuous life.
At one time I went out and found my sister living and working in a bar. She has unfettered access. I persuaded her to come home. None of these deeds are ever acknowledged by my family. No matter how heroic I was after a while it went back to like I.never existed. I was either the bane of their existence or absolutely nin existent. That was a oattern that extended to my extended famiky. It is impossible for me to engage with them on anpything but a superficial level.
.
Therefore I was a prime set up to rescue the forner qualifier time and time again.
Rescue was my middke name. I knew the intricacies of it very well.
It is in the nature of alcoholism to belueve we have to go to any lengths to save them. In reality we cannot save them from themselves. It is in the nature of alcoholism to believe that we can do more and more and try harder and harder
When I saw my sister in recent years I.put on another heroic effort. This was at a tine when I was quite ill. I am very very accistomed to sacrificing my health, sanity ans finances for others. There was no limits involved. Being at a point of exhaustion is and was the norm for me.
No wonder my health is precarious.
My qualifier is most certainly still alive he did not die without me. My sister is still alive as well. Their disease's plateaued.
So much for ny essential services.
My own issues did not olateau. I had to come to al anon to get boundaries. I also had to come here to know and live with myself at the center of my life. That is in front rather than.an after thought or rather invisible to myself as well.
I hope you will get to a point of oeace and compassion regarding your brother. There is no shortcut and there is much to olough through. Nevertheless being in al anon.is s way to.come to terms with the enormous destructiveness of alcoholism and addiction.
I am rooting for you.
Maresie
