The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in Al-Anon for just over 2 years and I honestly cant think it enough. I honestly felt I was losing my mind before I got to meetings.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 24 years.
When I met my wife she barely drank at all but over the last 6 years or so it progressed and got worse.
She stopped working and I was left having to work crazy hours and bringing up 3 children.
My focus was on everyone else and I realised in time I was becoming physically, mentally and spiritually unwell.
I knew about Al-Anon from going to AA so it wasn't a leap into the unknown.
Now the fog has cleared and I am in a much better place I want to progress through the steps.
I was almost always the only male at meetings and I always believe in same sex sponsorship but just never really met anyone to ask.
I have since joined an online mens Zoom group but as yet have not connected in any meaningful way with anyone on there.
Should I give it some time to get to knows those guys and then ask one of them to help me get through the steps or plod on using something like 'Blueprint For Progress ?.
I already have a strong relationship with HP but feel I need to do Step 4/5 so that I can eventually sponsor others.
There are many ways to do sponsorship. If you read the logs in this group you will no doubt have learned that some members hear sponsor others
That is one avenue to address
I know that al anon has always been a female centered group. In other programs like CODA the ratio is very different
Having a sponsor is really helpful
I am glad you have stuck with alanon
Maresie
Welcome, Albion! Based on my experience, I'd suggest reaching out to the men in your Zoom group. Have you shared in that meeting, so they can get to know you? Maybe ask if anyone willing to sponsor can share their phone number. The most successful Al-Anons I have met that use Blueprint for Progress do it with a sponsor.
We also have a Step Work board here on the Miracles in Progress website, and although it's not very busy, you might get some feedback on step work there.
Again, welcome -- and as you know, the steps are key to recovery, and for me, I'm glad I jumped into them as soon as I was able.
I too am sending a warm welcome to you Albion - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I see absolutely no reason why you can't keep doing what you're doing (working thru the book) and keep attending the Zoom meeting to see if a spark happens...we just never, ever know when another will be dropped in our lives, so my mind says, do what seems logical/right for you!
Our stories are similar in that I too started in AA and landed here as the disease returned in my AH and then arrived/progressed in my sons. I was super blessed that I had an AA sponsor at the time who arrived in the reverse order - began in Al-Anon and then landed in AA. I share simply because there's no right/wrong way to be a 'double-winner' and I find it very helpful to have a sponsor who's 'both'....
I am one who can easily over-analyze and over-think most things so thought and planned to have 2 programs, 2 sponsors, 2 ....... Well - while I go to meetings for both and have relationships/step work unique to each, I've blended the 2 together in many, many ways. How I best (and simply) define and work these programs is I lean into AA if/when I am struggling with 'fighting everything' and lean into Al-Anon when I'm 'fighting everyone'. AA helped me understand my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual relationship with substances and Al-Anon helped me understand the same with people. I don't know if this makes any sense - it does to me...LOL.
Keep coming back - MIP is a great place to supplement your recovery, however you work it 'at home'...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for the advice guys. I will stick with my Zoom meetings just now. It's early days with the Mens Group and I think I have been to no more than 4.
I have shared that I want to progress through the 12 Steps and as some of you say I also believe that people are out in your path in this journey.
The main thing is that I am open and willing to progress through the programme.
Albion- I was the only man in my alanon group- and I had a woman as a sponsor.
The group had a conscience meeting which I was not invited to. The group chose a sponsor for me-
So she had the sanction and support of the group. Sadly my sponsor decided to leave Alanon after many years.
She still lives in the community- and I do see her around from time to time. She is a widow now.
What happened was that her hubby saw the need for a new AA group in the town. He created a sharing open meeting with Alanon participation.
This may have bent the rules too- since an AA member could not really sponsor an Alanon member. This group is still going- though as a straight out AA group now. It was a great bonus for me- in the early days as we worked through the AA 12x12 book alongside the Alanon green 12x12. This is how I got an early grounding in the Steps, 12 Traditions and the 12 Concepts of Service.
I saw changes on how Alanon was run over my years. Most were good and fruitful changes in focus- initiatives coming from the USA mostly.
Some group initiatives adapted to changing times- and these were good too.
Some policy was too strict- and was enforced by one or two zealous members, in my view.
Some things in the group worked very well, and we took on changes under tradition 4.
In my 38 years in Alanon I saw massive shifts overall. Through the eyes of my own mum as she entered the paid workforce- in particular.
The gender rule on sponsorship is a good one, overall. ... It applies equally to 12 Stepping.
And there is a boundary "rule' to avoid what we call 13th Stepping- which is really destructive.
Thanks David. I will just be patient. I have progressed immensely in Al-Anon and my grounding in AA has also helped but I really want to work through the Steps from an Al-Anon perspective as these are the meetings I go to now.
Aloha Albion and thanks (mahalo) for having the courage to change the things your could; yourself. Your share is might exactly mine and mine worked in hindsight because of that Higher Power I have taken to know and call Father.
I am also doubled in recovery and first nurtured, (scolded...blamed, etc. etc. by the elder women of the program because I had an abundance of ignorance and no willingness to change.
Any how I worked it pretty much as you have...got a sponsor; female who later fired me because I thought she should do it all and then got a sponsor selected first handed by her who was male with the name Don.T. a very important dynamic to my own recovery. My HP did some much needed directing to me threw all concerned from 1979.
Don.T told me that humility was being teachable and refusing that made things go much more difficulty. Don.T is no longer among us yet still with me and has rented room in my head and heart.
Glad to come here tonight and late and find this share with it's responses that let me know that if I do it the program way...with HP...I am good to go. I use others such as those here and all those here as sponsorship. Meditation with HP completes the group.
Keep coming back and sharing the sponsorship duties.
Just a wee update on my Sponsorship quest. I have kept going to my men's meeting most Fridays but had to miss a couple due to work and family commitments.
I have not formed any solid connections with anyone yet and I think attending Zoom meetings makes that a little more difficult but slow and steady wins the race.
One thing I have noticed is we have a WhatsApp group and there are some BIG personalities on there and some of the messages back and forth are a little snippy !
I tend to keep a low profil and not get drawn into anything.
I can see why there is a place for men's meetings but also I like attending mixed meetings as women in Al-Anon have a wealth of love and experience to pass on.
My whole life has improved immeasurably since joining Al-Anon and I think my AA formation where I found a loving God has ben a bedrock.
God willing will be 25 years sober on 26th October but for now Al-Anon is where I need to be. I need to heal and I need to recover from the devastation of living with active alcoholism.
John Albion
Glad to.hear you are making.alanon work for youinnmany ways this time is a double whammy for alcoholics. Christmas is a big trigger for alcoholics
Living life on life's terms is very helpful
This pandemic is a test for all of us.
I have no doubt a sponsor will come for you.
Maresie
John - so glad you stopped back by and gave an update...I agree that my entry to recovery by way of AA then Al-Anon gave me a lovely spiritual base to expand from. To confirm for you what you may be 'seeing' or 'hearing', the Al-Anon meetings/members are a bit different and there's an underlying battle of control at 'some'. I had to do some shopping around to find a healthy group for me as that (for me) was contrary to the traditions. Many of us who arrive at Al-Anon experience some of our insanity by trying to control other people, places and things. Some 'see it' and work on it through step work and others do not.
So, if you encounter differences in how the two 'work', you are not alone. It took me some time to find my place at the Al-Anon table, but was worth the effort. I'm glad that you keep trying and also believe that a sponsor will appear. Time/family/work permitting, there's no shame in exploring other groups - I don't, simply because my local groups are all doing private zooms which work for me. I do know some others who have been attending zoom meetings all over the world, and truly loving the experience of expansion allowed through this trying pandemic.
Keep coming back here - you're a part of the family now!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for all the advice guys. By and large I do feel very welcome in Al-Anon. I've been going about 2 and a half years now. In some ways its much more 'recovery' focussed than a lot of the AA meetings I have attended over the years.
I also think these are strange times and it's not as easy getting that connection as it is in face to face meetings.
I am sticking with the Men's Group for now because if I am totally honest making friendships in recovery has always been difficult for me and I am sure that in amongst this group of guys there will be someone there who can help me progress through the programme..
I do attend 'mixed' meetings as well so I have a bit of a balance. A lady messaged me on Zoom last week asking if we could have a chat outside of the meeting as she identifies with me a lot.
I gave her my number and have not heard from her but I am also wary of that kind of thing as I am committed to my wife and family but also if I can help someone I will.
I did say that often I can't chat due to family/work commitments . I've been around long enough to be careful in those situations.
I have a lot of people I know, like and genuinely get on with but developing friendships at a deeper level has been elusive for me
Albion...thanks for the wise and experienced share on sponsorship. I have had several very good sponsors which have helped my recovery a lot. I have also kept in mind with program wisdom the early guidance suggested of "Men on men and Women on women". There is lots of shaky ground in recovery both AA and Al-Anon from my experience which makes for lousy relationships and more problems. The friendly hugs become needy grasps and the walls come tumbling down.
When my former sponsor was alive he taught me the slogan of "the shortest word to an honest answer was" "no". Practice, Practice, Practice did I. Thanks for the share. ((((hugs))))
I think when you have boundaries it is avtually harder to.make froends.
Certainly zoom meetimgs are not the ideal mechanism but they keep the process going. .At one time in my kife I was going to meetings all the time. Boundaroes were elusive to me so life was very difficult.
Froendshios change and evolve over time. Sone of my early friends in recovery adored sl anin. They found enormous support there. I coukd not identify.
I have very few friends these days but I am alsk focused in sone very time consuming goals. Those goals are very short term.
I do know thaf I would no longer havd time to be on a pho mb e list. In fact I find phone calls too time consumimg.now.
Diversifying your goals does indeed make finding froends in recovery dfficult. Nevertheless you know what you need and that is certainly very productive. When I firsr came into recovery my exoectatoons of friendshios were totally out of line. I had mo idea how to meet my needs snd no odea how to make it throygh hard tomes
Yep I'm with you on all of that Jerry. God will provide on the sponsorship front.Patience has never been my strong point but the fact that I want to progress is a positive.
Jerry. I certainly experienced desperate needy relationships from childhood on. In my family of origin functioning was a carefully calculated shell game. My family barely functioned. They were often in crisis mode. They were barely making it up until their deaths. Therefore my resentnments about I did not have #more# are unrealistic. They were absolutely on survival mode. That manner of relating became ny norm putely survival. . Meet an alcoholic who was barely making it was a thoroughly familiar concrept to me. Familiarity was in the conceot of barely getting by becausd I most certainly knew nothing else.
Of coursw when I was in relationship I by proxy brought these feelings with me. Now in almanon I.am able to have cooperativ erelationships with some people (that is those who are not stuck in their being at war with humanity mode) who are in constabt crosis and fit in nowhere
Those relationships are rich in intimacy, vulnerabilith and mutial problem solving. They do not involve name calling and random.atracks based on vicious acting out behavior (thst can always be justified because they have no accountability)
I.understand the psychology of those who act out in that manner. That no longer means I have to be their target and punching bag. They have no intersr in chsnging anything.
Those days are over for.me. For me thst is the gift of al.anon. indeed I wonder how those who.engage in routine name calling, scapegoating and abject bullying can feel they are engaged in anything remotely related to recovery. Moreover I wonder why their behavior is tolerated so openly in recovery circles. I imagine it is like 13th steppimg and sexual harassment we are all so conditioned to accept bullies, tyrants snd abusers we do not know how to say no to their behavior. Indeed the hallmark of s tyrant is that when you do say #no# they lash out with impunity. Then they blame you.for their lashing out and other extremely obnoxious behavior.
Awesome, awesome news Albion! So glad you connected with another. I have done the steps in bot - started in AA and then arrived at Al-Anon later. I am fortunate to have a sponsor in both programs as well in reverse - she started in Al-Anon and then came to AA.
What really helped me is when I started step work in Al-Anon was the Blueprints to Progress workbook as a guideline. It helped me stay focused on the here and now and guided me well through the Al-Anon side.
I struggled at first in Al-Anon to share my ESH and not make mention of my AA background. It's a part of my story and a part of my life, and I truly did want to follow the suggested guidelines regarding outside influence and 'other programs'. In time, it all worked out as it was supposed to, and my home group knows if I make mention of 'it', it's only because it's valuable to my share in that moment. I do not go out of my way to do it, nor do I ever suggest it or anything else.
My area, for being very conservative, in quite progressive in recovery. We have joint AA/Al-Anon meetings here which are fantastic - almost better for me just because of age/stage. I don't do well with militant style members or meetings that are so restrictive to make another uncertain to share.
That's my ESH. It will work out and YOU will benefit greatly from the dual-membership! I did, as I'm glad I was able to set aside my fear and find my courage! Please keep coming back - would love to hear how things are going!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Iamhere.I said to my sponsor last night that I don't want to mention my AA history and he said why not ? It's part of your story.
I do respect that Al-Anon guidelines though and stick to Al-anon principles when sharing but I'm always going to acknowledge the fact that AA saved my life.
I actually took delivery of Blueprint For Progess last week so thank you for confirming its usefulness.
The pandemic has been a mixed bag for me. Without it I would never have connected with this Men's Group and therefore not connected with sponsor so I am really grateful.
More than anything I am looking forward to onr day being able to pass on what has been so freely given to me.
... It applies equally to 12 Stepping.
