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So I was told yesterday that my AH wife has been going around and telling all the guys she works with that we are separated and not that we are on a trial separation as we agreed too. I guess I was the only one who was under the impression was a trial to figure out what she wanted. So I sent a text to her family so they all could finally know what she did the whole truth. She then tried to tell me that I should not have done that (maybe she's right but I am tired of her half truths to people) She was still more concerned about getting to this 5yr party and not the kids still. Then she told me she would bring them there. I made it very clear she was not to do that and I don't want them involved in her group IMHO its not a place for MY kids. So as I don't trust anything she says anymore I had her mother text me separately stating the same thing that my children will not ever go to her group functions. I also decided that this relationship is not going to work for me anymore. I drafted up a calm email stating I will not be repairing our relationship any longer and we need to get a separation agreement as the next step. She called me right away and asked me so is that it then you aren't willing to try anymore and I just flat out said no I am done with it and I have to be for my kids and myself. Mere hours later I was informed by another one of her colleagues about what really happened with her affair which what she told me was only the tip of the ice berg. More half truths as always yet another reason she shows she doesn't want to repair our relationship and end this. So that all being said she was just going to string me along to get all she wanted and likely was going to keep doing it until I called it. So I put the horse out of its misery. Now we can finally move forward for the kids. I do feel very sad about this, but it is what was needed. No real life will need to be her priority unless she runs and that is not my problem anymore. I hope this will be amicable I will put away my feelings of hurt to make this new transition a smooth one. Hopefully she does the same.
Thanks guys
-- Edited by Geoff on Sunday 13th of September 2020 03:48:35 PM
My relationship.with my qualifier was so triggering for me I discussed it with a lot of people. He kept up a huge mystery about where he spent his time.
His mother was also a constant presence in our life. The mystery, the secretiveness were huge triggers for me. So was the constant focus on what he did deliberately to hurt me.
Using the tools of al.anon I was able to limit those triggers. One of the tools of al.anon is to create a plan b. I had a olan, a really rudimentary plan. There were many issues that pushed that plan into the forefront
During the time I was making the plan I took the focus off the qualifier. That still is a very hard thing for me especially when someone deliberately hurts me
Now when I look on those relationship(s) (note the plural) there really was nothing much left but the triggers. I was so overwhelmed with the triggers I settled for very very little.
Being at the center of a huge break up was the norm for me. There was a great deal of resentment, anger, grief and also a great sense of loss. The loss was of course all about the fantasies of what a relationship #should# be.
Untangling from a relatiobship mired in triggers is not easy. My qualifier managed to oull me back in because we had some pets together. He did not take care of them
Then I had to get to a point where taking care of him (which I did for months)was still not taking care of our pets.
I believe one of the core things I.missed off ny olan b was to have a plan to take care of myself during the transition.
This group became the place I went to in order to talk about what was going on.
Eventually I took over care of ny pets (the qualifier swore about his much he loved them) i stopped talking to certain people about the relationship because they were not helpful. The focus on what the qualifiet did grew less. Needless to say the qualifier survived. He found someone to rescue him
I hope you will come up.with strategies to take care of your self. Leaving a relationship in an upheaval is a hard one.
I did not know any othetvway to go until I got to Al anon. The cost of living that way was extremely high and caused enormous financial and emotional damage
Good luck with your agreement
I hope you manage to get to peace because it is worth the effort. It really is
Maresie
Geoff for me making a check list of what to do when I first got here was a great suggestion. Admitting that not knowing and not knowing that I was not knowing about alcoholism was awareness of the insanity of this disease. I acted for a while like I knew and was above and beyond what was being passed on to me face to face and in the meetings however one of the I didn't knows was I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired I wanted to win the battles just because. I didn't know my Higher Power and did know what my Higher Power had in store for me barely listening.
I remember the night coming home from my home group and sitting at the kitchen table where and when all the fight left me and I didn't have any energy to do anything but read some literature and stay the hell out of the way which wasn't hard as my Alcoholic/addict wife had made the decision to disappear herself. I went to bed and called my sponsor (got one?) in the morning so I could meet and listen for an afternoon. Got that one done and continued reading program literature page after page, subject after subject.
Amazing that my present wife just walked in the door and said, "Happy Birthday" (9-19th) it came today. She handed me a new COURAGE TO CHANGE reader because my elder one was falling apart and both of us were using it. We do this program together not perfectly just together. Amazing that when I read your posts I am reminded of the hardships I went thru when, "coming to understand" myself. It wasn't impossible it was daily.
I have an offer that if you yet do not have a "Courage to Change" daily reader. Private message me your address and I will send you one; new or maybe my elder one. I'll check. Keep coming back. (((hugs))) for you and your spouse.
Geoff - I am sending you positive energy and tons of support. Relationships are difficult in the best of times with healthy partners. When this disease is added to the mix, it can just be too much for most of us. Al-Anon has helped me greatly just in focusing on one day at a time and in practicing good self-care! My primary point is even if you are separating, the program can support you in many ways beyond the disease and the diseased. Keep coming back - you've got support here! I too am sending (((Hugs))) for all of you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks its hard to admit to yourself that you are being manipulated and things will never change. Maybe years down the road it will I know I will be ok in the long run right now is hard because I love her but a man can only take so much. 18yrs is a long time be together it will be alot of hard days our 3 kids will be better in the end.
Hello Geoff. I empathise with your pain. I am also separating / divorcing my AH after 22 years of marriage and 4 children together.
My AH is still an active alcoholic and still firmly in denial. This programme has been my saviour (now 3 years in Alanon) and I urge you to keep going with Alanon.
I have a mantra for my self care (and the children) and that is that if an action or decision I am about to make doesn't positively support my personal emotional health and serenity then I don't do it. Even if it is just one day at a time or sometimes one hour at a time when I am in the throws of chaos caused by my AH, then it helps get me through.
I too feel that I love my AH - but I sure don't love the disease and if I sit down and make a list of all the things I love about my husband and the support and partnership I get from him, it is a very short list!
Wishing you peace and serenity on your own journey.
Well me made some progress today both agreed to a separation mediator instead of lawyers and have an appointments to do the the formal documents custody and the house all the things that go along with it. I don't know where it will go but it is very amicable and there is no tension thus far. I also got what I have been asking for from her for so very long. She finally told me that she wasn't trying to repair this relationship she stopped doing that along time ago. She admitted that she is doing everything for her and there is no other reason. I can accept that I can tell she is happier without me. She also told me these days with the kids was the first time she enjoyed being a mother. I think we spoke today more than we ever have in 15years. So if that's not a sign I don't know what is.
I still truly love her and I feel real pain when I think of her, but I see we are not compatible anymore. So we will be friends and parents.
I think one of the hard things for me to deal with was realising at times the qualifier said things he knew I wanted to hear
The manioulation tactics of an alcoholic go deep. In the past few months the qualifier contacted me again to see if I would go one more round
I didnt oick uo the offer
Alcoholism esoecially when it is life long comes with a number of hehaviors that ho deep. The reoetoire of manilulative behavior is consistent
I know now that is why it is called an addiction there is no boundary when things come uo. The qualifier had an immense saga of excuses, reasons and a great cover for every reason for his using
There was no limit to the casualties he created including our pets. Indeed he even neglected and abandoned the oet he swore he adored
I was with the qualifier for 8 years. By the time I left him I still felt deeply responsible for him. Untangling myself took a long time. I am very grateful to this group for seeing me through those difficult times
I was and still am angry at the qualifier for his behavior, tremendous manipulative skills. However most of all I angry at myself for not having bottom lines. I now have lots of boundaries about even when I will answer the ohone. The days of being all available day and night are over. Not picking up the ohone is one core boundary
I have had to have people remind me daily how certain people trigger me and how imoortant it is to limit and nanage contact with them. The #triggers# have tremendous #pull# and somehow it feels right to be triggered over and over
Maresie
I accept her decision to choose to keep going out with other men after she has cheated on me. However that is a boundary I needed not broken inorder to rebuild my trust with her regardless of her recovery and she chooses to break it for selfish reasons. Instead of looking for other solutions like all female groups which they have. I know that I tried everything to keep and repair this relationship and she could not even give 10% and fully admitted that to me. So it's okay and we will separate and move on she can now do as she pleases as she was anyway. I had to shoot the horse. Atleast when I look back at it I know there was nothing else I could do and I wont have any regrets. I have guilt to deal with over our family not being a unit anymore but we will reman friends and I guess as she has told me for years thats what we are. I just needed to accept it.
I have definitrly had the experience of feeling last on the list with the qualifier. The only time that changed was when he became dependent on me finanicially
When the qualifier lost his home all the people who were always around suddenly.evaporated
For me the big blundaries, the commitment, the time, the money were not backed up by.the small things
Indeed they never were
Being friends with someone is s strange proposition. I.am on friendly terms with my former roomate (who I stayef with for four months this year) Aftet a tumumtuous year I would no longer refer to.him as a friend. He certainly believes he was and still is.
I have friends who bear some interest in my.life. They are also not in the habit of stopping me in my tracks with deliverste efforts to hurt me
I am glad to be in al anon and willing to address what friend is. What romantic partner is. I have soent decsdes to get to places of having perfunctory boundaries
Maresie
