The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Having to divorce my AH becuase I need to not because I want to has started making me think of all the traditions we have created in the past 17 years. With Fall right around the corner, Fall was our favorite season. We hosted a chili gathering, always spent Thanksgiving with just us, football watching, Christmas. But even throughout the year we hosted 2 other big holiday events and enjoyed the annual festivals and activities. He is my bestfriend that we did all these things together. When I look back at that, I think...should I really be doing this. I try and tell myself that I can go to festivals on my own or with a friend. I could possibly hold some gatherings but not all. But when it comes to the traditions...the thought of making new ones just hurts me.
How did you overcome the take away of all this because he couldn't put down the drink?
Hello again Kokopelli. I divorced my first A after 16 yrs (13 married and having a son together). It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Separation and divorce are in the top 3 most painful stressors in life. With my A now of almost 29 years, I have contemplated separation/divorce many times. I am older now, we have some small bits of progress, and I honestly dont want to go through the pain again. I also live half time apart, near my son and his family, and I think it makes staying a possibility for me. But if one decides to leave, after the pain there is a new life, and it can be as good or better as the first one.
{{{Kokopelli}}}, thank you for bringing this topic here. It's one I'm sure many of us share, as we approach the intense holiday season -- from Halloween all the way through New Years.
For me, the holidays and other gatherings became gradually ruined as my husband's alcoholism took over his health and behavior more and more. After one disastrous Thanksgiving, I vowed I would never host another gathering at my home again. I was scared, embarrassed, and angry. I often thought I wanted to move by myself to a remote island where people had never heard of these holidays, and stay there until the season was over. I think I was grieving the loss of the good holidays and dinner parties that we had in the past and could not get back. I never found that remote island -- and this phase ended with my husband's death.
At that time, I took a break -- a sort of sabbatical from holidays -- for a year or so before starting to make new traditions for myself. The first year, I took a mini vacation and didn't even spend Thanksgiving with my beloved children. That's how much I needed the break. Instead of Thanksgiving turkey, I had a hamburger at a seaside town where I enjoyed walking and looking at the view. I think I skipped Christmas that year, too. Looking back, I think that was my way of processing the loss of the old traditions.
Now that I have had a break, I am able to enjoy new traditions. My adult children have taken over hosting the big holidays, and I get to enjoy seeing them making their traditions. I have made new friends in Al-Anon. Now that stress isn't overpowering my life, I have re-connected with old friends. I am very careful and selective on who I invite into my home -- and now on those few special occasions when I do, it is great.
Now when there is a holiday, I keep it very simple. I also make it a point to attend an Al-Anon meeting on the holiday, if possible. One year I made it to meetings on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day. That makes me ready for whatever the rest of the day may bring. This year I imagine it will be easy to do that, with so many Zoom meetings around the world.
Now, when I wake up on a holiday morning, I feel like getting on my knees with gratitude that I have new traditions, as simple as they are, that no one else can ruin.
I too kept these holidays simple. I concentrated on the meaning of the holiday (Thanksgiving was gratitude, etc) and told myself it was a day to do as I pleased. That worked pretty well, not great but no more disasters. I had planned an almost festive meal even if it was made of convenience food. I set a pretty table to honor the holiday. Then I stuck to my plan to honor the idea behind the holiday. It's not the same as on TV or in my memories, but it was my new way of celebrating holidays.
Sometimes I unhooked or ignored the phone. You'll find what works for you.
Attending meetings on holidays is brilliant, Freetime. Thanks for the reminder.
Thank you all for your responses already. This has already helped me today. I didn't mention it, probably because it wasnt a good day, but our 11 year Anniversary was yesterday...you can imagine how awkward that was. Tried to look up things to do, found a thing that said focus on my actions and not his, do what makes you feel good without over thinking it, dont worry about how he interprets it. So I made him a card, with honest feelings about how I do love him and apologizing for the hurt on a day that would otherwise be celebrated and that I understand the anger and confusion. Even tried to ask him to a movie (no talking involved activity). It just back fired, he said as nice as the card was it was just an official way of saying were done and then how dare I ask him to a movie when we are not going as a true husband and wife. But I had to remember the gesture was to focus on my actions and not his. It was a rough sad day. I did not plan this out well...lol. Anniversary in September and then a holiday in every month till the end of the year. Here I come emotional roller coaster!!
Jill, I also like the idea of unhooking or ignoring the phone. For those people who want to wish me a happy holiday over the phone, they can leave a message, I can listen when I choose to, and then I can choose to return their call (or not) when it is convenient for me. My door, or my phone, only has to be open to people I want to invite in.
When I physically left the qualifier he was in shock.
In hindsight I think I was more concerned about his feelings thsn he was mine
I well understand the ambivalence
I also understand wanting to hold on
I went on to rescue the qualifier for anothet few months. He drained me
Unfortunately he never moved out of crisis mode.
I know what it is to walk in eggshells all the time
Separating is a hard task. I know some oeople say they do it amicably but I dont believe them
I think.some people may be able to get to a place where they can be cooperative
I know I would not have made it through that separation without this group
I urge you to keep posting and sharing
Ambivalence is hard to get through
I am also in the process of separating and divorcing my AH. Despite all the chaos caused by his drinking it is still incredibly sad. The best way I help myself is by reminding myself that I am mourning what was, but this is now, and I need to see things as they are now and not what they were or how I would like them to be.
I personally feel I do need to grieve what is being lost, but I am being kind to myself and daily noting what I am grateful for in my life.
For whatever reason I kept a diary of the fallout of my AHs behaviour over the years. I don't use it as a tool to hurt him with, but rather as a reminder to myself of what life I am or am not choosing and even with the progress I have made in my 3 years in Alanon I know that I can't personally live with and stay with an active alcoholic.
