Good morning everyone:

The focus of todays reading is self awareness and how it can help us navigate the experiences of our lives. The writer describes having grown up with an alcoholic father who flew into rages.  Because of the fear associated with these, the writer often would attack or provoke first.  This pattern became established and it was brought into other relationships.  Another defense mechanism that the writer describes was pretending not to care- pre-empting any hurt feelings and in the process not feeling anything at all.

Through meetings, the writer began to gradually trust that speaking directly and with honesty was possible and a healthier way. The writer began to understand  that lashing out or pretending not to care was actually a confining way to live.  Over time the writer began to understand that some of the unhealthy habits were related to fear, and it was possible to use the self awareness to move away from fear and into freedom.

The idea of feigned indifference resonated with me.  I can recognize that there are situations when I pretend not to care and that those feelings stem from fear.  Unlike the writer, I tend to avoid conflicts as best as I can, and instead will attempt deflections.  I know that I sometimes use sarcasm to surround what I have trouble saying directly, and have mistakenly thought that humor softened the blow of harsh words.  I have noticed that since coming to Alanon and work with my sponsor, I have become stronger about saying directly what I want to say, without trying to hide in any way.

I appreciate the quote from How Al-Anon works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics(p 26): Until we take the time to look at ourselves honestly, we may never be free of the bondage in which alcoholism holds us captive.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday!

Mary