This is the tine of year that I.usually simply slip and slide into wallowing in self pity. I get into comparison with s few se kn ected targets. Of courss I can only imagine wgar other people have. I do not really know Thiz year with Covid 19, having to move out of ny apartment, being sick, being separated from my dig, having large bills to pay has been a hard slog. Thos list among other issues, I should be having a field day with the self pity and underlying rage. I am choosimg not to do.that this year. One of my goals is to have my dog back with me within the next 6 weeks (when the work on the apartments is completed). Anothet goal is to deal with some health issues pretty minor ones. Paying off ny bill is yet another goal. I simply can no longer let myself dove into those places where I get siffused in self pity and feel resentful 24/7. Certainly the holidays are hard for me, very very hard. Unfortunately I.make it harder. During my sojourn with the qualiifier (which ran 8 long years).I was obsessed with how he let me down every holiday. One year I Aeven scheduled a trip.to a bezutiful resort (and of course I paid for it too) He ruined that deliberately or rather I permitted him to. I.should have gone to the resort alone. Those alternatuves were not available pr something I even considered in the mindset I was in. I know now after doing an inventory of our relationshio that the qualiifier deliberately went out of his way to do all the things he did on purpose. After all I gave him so nuch power in the relationship. He also actively.chose to make my life harder every day. The sojourn of heloing me was extremely short lived. After a time he stopped helping and atsrted makimg everything much worse quite deliberately. Of course since I had given all the power to him that was a choice he could make. There are no limits when it comes to giving all your power away.. i gave it all.sway bit no time more than at Christmas and Thanksgiving. Then i.simply plunged into self pity and martyrdom. I put myself into many situations like that where I.give all my.power away. None were of course as catastrophic to me as the relationship with the qualifier. Nevertheless my relationship with my former roommate has many of the same qualities. I chose to out myself in a place where I was most certainly.abused. Getting myself out of these long recurrent no win situarions has only been possible with al anon. Now I can make alternative choices and I have to actively assert that My exoectations of the holiday have to be low because I an putting a lot of energy into paying down my debt. Nevertheless I am in a much better place on so many levels. Thst place can evaporate pretty quickly if I go down the usual road. This is the year I have to get off the pity pot and work on being accepting and good to myself. This is only possible because I can and do embrace al anon. I am so lucky to have a place to go to in order to set goals and uncover patterns. Maresie