The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well after 4 days of this. She spoke with her sponsor ( a woman) and her counselor/therapist from the center (the only one I trust he is a nice guy). They both recommended that we do a trial separation for 2weeks to see if this is what she and I actually want. I have been broken up all day cause I knew that this was going to be the outcome for me when I got home from work. So after she told me and I broke down yet again. We had to tell the kids and they took it very well. Way better than I am so far anyway. She will leave tomorrow for her moms and I will stay here. then we will figure out how to juggle switching back and forth I don't have anywhere to go. Maybe I'll sleep in my car those nights or work all night. Figure that out. I know this is probably for the best as it will actually give us the answers each needs to progress. I just wish it could have been so different. I'm watching her pack and it is breaking my heart. She says that if she stays like this she may start drinking again and that hurts me to know that she is putting that on me. I don't want that either so yet another reason for this. Her mom texted me as we are very close. I had almost dropped in on my way home form work as I knew this was going to happen and I wanted to hug her but I couldn't bring myself to stop. She told me she is optimistic about this but my black cloud doesn't see it. Anyways that's what my day has been just a waiting game to get crushed. Now I guess I have to try to live without her and automatically find things to do be busy and not dwell on it as she will be doing that too. She already has plans to hang out with her group on Friday. I guess I need to make plans too. This is so f&*king hard!
I have been in Alanon for 37 years, Geoff. In the early days we used to say: 10% of women leave their alcoholic husbands, and 10% of men stay with their alcoholic wives. A truism really- but it does say a lot.
You do say what you deserve. You deserve no less.
All things being equal you have laid out the odds.
You have counted all the positive things that are going in your favour.
Not to go back to the way things were. But an opportunity, all round, to consider the options.
Coming to our group here- gives us all an opportunity to recall our own experiences... and to trace the things that worked for us.
Come the day- one day the heartache and heartbreak you are suffering now will give you depth and insight.
Geoff yes it is hard but not impossible forever. You will not have to do it alone as she will not either and there is soooo much support with the tools. Yet if you convince yourself that it cannot and will not happen for you that may well come true also. I was given simple directions from when I first got into AA and Al-Anon...."Trust God, Clean house, Help others." Time to save Geoff. ((((hugs))))
My experience is that until I was able to love myself and know how to stand alone, my emotional value in ANY relationship was sub-par. This is true for me both as a A as well as an Al-Anoner. Al-Anon has given me a much broader view/understanding of what love means to me. I would much rather my AH & my A sons have a daily reprieve from mind altering substances than say I love you. Actions are far more important to me today than words - both in giving and receiving love. My experience is mine did come running back - it worked much, much better for a healthy relationship for them to experience some sober time before attempting to re-integrate with the family.
I am truly sorry for your pain Geoff and it's healthy to be grieving and fearful. My number one issue when I began my Al-Anon journey was I had no idea how to be present, in this moment. My mind and thoughts always ventured to the past or projected into the future. I had no idea how to filter facts from fiction/projections. This program and a sponsor truly helped me through these painful, uncertain times. Take good care of you and trust the program and process. Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can relate to what Iamhere said about not living in the present. I future tripped constantly living in fear and I always had a 'what if' question gyrating through my consciousness. What if he keeps hiding the drinking? what if my son becomes an addict, too? what if I don't have the strength to make it on my own? I can go on and on....
I left my alcoholic husband nearly 6 years ago and I am struggling financially, I work hard, and I have another failed relationship under my belt after I left my exah, as well. Lessons all learned and I continue to learn. LIving in the present is scary because you have to face life as it comes but it also gave me peace to know that 'this too shall pass'. Everything is temporary and you will look back on all of this in a year or 2 and be able to see the growth that occurred, hopefully not just in yourself but in your wife and family, as well.
Hang in there. There is always hope and I hope you can find some peace and keep coming back to program and/or a support system as needed.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
She is gone and we are going to do this trial separation first night yesterday. I sent her a schedule to do for the kids and as it happens she has to go to her rehab center as she was asked to do a speech or some bullsh**. Then on Sunday she was asked to go to a party for some guy in her groups 5yr and make another speech for him. Well I am sorry but these are none of my priorities and you have 3 children to deal with on your own for specified days and if you have to skip or find a baby sitter for one of those "MAJOR "priorities in your life then well suck it up butter cup and figure it out. I have them tonight and last night so you could go do your speech tonight. Now you expect me to do it again on the weekend for you to go and celebrate his 5yr well that is bullsh**. Well I am sorry butter cup, but the well is dry and you can start to learn how real life is going to work without me in your life. I will not coddle you. This is what you wanted and I am starting to think it is what I needed. Like you all say here we all have our own lives to live. I'm beginning to think I will not let my family and relationship take a back seat to your NA/AA group there are to many wonderful things to do in a day as a family. You can choose to go be with your crabs in a bucket if that is what you prefer.
It's time for me to be mad and get my power back and show my kids I will not be dragged along by someone else's baggage or their preferred way of life. It's a hard truth but it's mine right now.
Edited for language.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Friday 11th of September 2020 07:48:26 AM
Alcoholics in.early.recovery are not generally that responsible
There is a double bind in giving uo.exoectations of what the recovering alcoholic will do. Of course a responsible parent would want to be part of their children's lives
Saying #No# to an alcoholic is of course really really hard. In particular it is hard when you feel desperate around them
The irresponsibility issue is all.stuff you can take to a counselor.
I have nost definitely.been in a #seoaration# phase with an alcoholic. For me the grief was all about what I wanted and did not get.
Thete are certain personality tyoes that do not out their family and being responsible in a relationshio. It is very very very hard not to take this persinally
Certainly this #situation# is at a very hard time
The more you can let out your resentment and your observations the better it is.
Getting to detachment is an uphill slog. Detachment takes a great deal of practice.
The tools of the program are really helpful in a crisis. Take it one day at a time. Try to keep a neutral tone (what a challenge that is) Certainly you can focus on your children and get them resources ti assist you
Keep reaching out and asking.for suppirt
This is my first post ever on alanon, I'm new to this and just clicked on this group of texts based on the title, which struck me. I'm not sure how to start out here, so I'll just plunge right in... your wife sounds a lot like my daughter, who I have taken to about 14 different rehabs, and had her refuse to go in, or immediately bail on. What each staff member has told me is "addicts are selfish" and when they are using "they don't care about anyone else". I have found this to be true, and even though it doesn't lessen the pain, it helps me to separate out the person from the addiction. My daughter is both mentally ill and addicted, so my experience is based on that, and I don't know if all addicts have the same characteristics or if mental health makes this seem so much worse to me, but I would love for my daughter to leave me. And I would worry about her if she did. Double edged sword. She has destroyed my life in every conceivable way. She has lied to the court so I lost the babies I was raising for her, and now they are being raised by strangers, confused and traumatized by losing me, and forcibly abandoned by me, and it KILLS me. Your wife's behavior, be it truly to get better, or because she has issues beyond the alcoholism, seems very selfish toward the neglect of you and your children to you, but it looks very much like a blessing to me. Not to dismiss your very real feelings, but I can tell you first hand, what you are experiencing could be SOOO much worse if she decided to make your life a living hell due to her altered state and addiction. My life is living proof of that. My granddaughters will never be the same, and I may never get to see them again. Your children have a good dad that stuck around for them when their mom couldn't/wouldn't. Although she is doing her own thing, she has unknowingly blessed you with time with them. It's devastating now, I am sure, but your children will respect and love you even more for being there through this awful time. Maybe your wife will get better. Maybe she won't. But you are doing what you need to do for your children, and it sounds like for yourself. You deserve a life free of the pain caused by addiction. So do your children, and its possible over time you will all get to have that. Just keep swimming, and bless you for loving your children enough to be the parent that is there for them.
Feeling left out, unimportant, and tossed aside were all feelings common to me during my loved ones drinking and also during early sobriety. I wanted everything to return to "normal" quickly and was delusional about what that would look like.
I tied my happiness , peace and contentment to another persons actions/life and was consumed with her outcomes vs my own. I grieved what "used to be".
I was afraid, resentful and for a while allowed myself to be manipulated. I allowed unacceptable behaviour to occur as was fearful of the outcome and ran circles trying to keep the peace and make everything ok. Or sometimes, I tried relentlessly to force solutions, certain that I had all the answers.
None of that was helpful and only when I let go of my fears, expectations and resentments did my life begin to change.
Of course, I still experienced many emotions in reaction to situations but the difference was now I had a choice of how to react.
I didnt have to do anything in the moment and learned to pause and take my time. Often many situations sorted themselves out without my hands on it.
I put boundaries in place for me and I stuck to them irregardless if they raised a stink or not. I trusted in something bigger then myself and it was such a relief to let go of the imaginary control I thought I had.
Be kind and gentle with yourself during this time. Change in all of us is an excruciatingly slow process. Life has a way of giving us gifts that come wrapped not at all like what we expected. Stick around for the miracles to occur.
Gracious I remember the tantrum times and many of those planned with the help of my sponsor and the members in the program that also did them. I learned to "get it all out" of my system or else I would make things very very worse which was my habit as I inventoried "my part in it". My rage and anger habit was perverse and easily described the insanity of this disease on my part. It took me 21 years to make some of the ammends which were due. I learned to love my victims and make things right with them and their families.
Getting into safe place and tantruming to the energy out of my angers and rages and let the program, my sponsorship and my Higher Power grab a hold of me and settle my spirit which is what I needed so much.
I had to keep reminding myself and repeating the lessons that my alcoholic/addict wife was a sick person and not a bad one and that I lived in that category myself. I did so much damage while she did also and while we did too. We were a mess.
Did we love? Early on no one could tell at all. Keep coming back Geoff. ((((hugs))))
I love what everyone else said to you, Geoff, so I'll just say Welcome to this board, its a great place and NO!!! you are not alone..there is here, face to face meetings, (yea, ours are starting up again next month with the masks and all, ) and meets here, online, I think everday, so you are not alone.....
so sorry you are going trhough this rough patch, but remember : life is fluid...it changes all the time...ups and downs....ebbs and flows....trust in the goodness and love of the universe, take care of yourself and turn the rest over to your loving higher power as you understand it.......PEACE and support
I have been in Alanon for 37 years, Geoff. In the early days we used to say: 10% of women leave their alcoholic husbands, and 10% of men stay with their alcoholic wives. A truism really- but it does say a lot.
