The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Boundaries these are the guide lines we agreed too when getting together. There were some simple ones like don't commit adultery. When this happened and I chose to try to work it out we setup other boundaries. Like personal issue between the two of us is only meant for therapy or close family not a member of the opposite sex as this is were she stayed before. We agreed that time alone with the opposite sex be only when there is a group of people. These boundaries that she agreed to were set in place to help repair the damage she caused to our family. I came to find out that she has crossed these boundaries numerous times. She continues to give me excuses about why she can cross them as if there are no other alternatives for her. However there are plenty and she is choosing to make her own decisions regardless of how it effects our relationship. She made it clear that she will continue to do so regardless of my feelings. Well I can honestly say today I choose to let go. I choose to make her issues no longer my own and I wish her well in the future but there is no future living with me. I cannot take the constant excuses as to why she is crossing all the boundaries we set out. I have asked to her leave tonight I cannot keep moving my meter stick just to make her happy. She is no longer my problem and I choose to be happy from now on.
I am sure some may think that she needs to do what's is best for her and I get that. However there are lines that just should not be crossed if you are sincerely trying to repair.
{{{Geoff}}}. I am too familiar with the loss of boundaries with my spouse that should have been respected and practiced. I believe it is the alcoholic personality that allowed my A to disregard sacred promises, due to denial and unreal thinking. I had to learn that I could not expect sensible behavior from someone under the influence. (Drinking and drivingthat is one of the most stupid and dangerous things a person can do. My A was doing this.)
What I learned in my early days of program is that I didnt have to torture myself with making a quick decision about separating /divorce. Instead, I have taken time to get myself stronger and healthier. Im still with my A, almost 29 years. Things are far from perfect but there are many improvements.
Just keep coming back, find zoom meetings if you can, and let alanon give you some guidance and support.
You are right and I am not making any quick decisions. We will try to put the effort in on both sides this week. I will try focus on me which I don't know how I will when she has something everyday this week and weekend see how things go. After her spending 9 plus hours with group yesterday by texting with them and going to the meeting then texting more when she got back then exercising and going back on another group meeting with them yesterday. After I asked if we could spend time and watch a movie and was told she was doing another meeting. I was very upset and this put me in the mood I was in last night to look through her phone and find the texts to this guy in her group about me and her relationship. I over reacted last night and let my anger get the better of me.
There was no pause to think about anything. I was in full on hate mode and she crossed the line and at 12:30 she was going to have this conversation or get the f*** out. You don't talk about our personal relationship with group let alone a guy or if you need to gain perspective you don't make it one sided and say I am jealous you tell them why I am and what circumstances have made me this way. I never was before. All this to say if there is no effort and boundaries are crossed again. There is no going back. This has happened too much. I am going to take 2 nights a week for me and let her deal with life at home alone for 5hrs. We will see how she copes with it because I need it and she needs to see what it will be like if we are no longer together.
edited for language...
-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 8th of September 2020 03:37:19 PM
Geoff - all that you are going through including focusing more on what she is/is not doing is exactly why we (friends & family of the A) need our own recovery program. I believe a sponsor and/or your counselor can help you with boundaries and what to do when/if they are disrespected. Al-Anon suggests boundaries are for self-protection not for punishment or restriction of another. Just something to consider.
Another often said phrase in our program - The A is going to do what they are going to do - what are you going to do? It's awesome that you are planning to have time for yourself twice a week. All that you are feeling, doing and processing is familiar to me - and the longer I focused outside of myself, the more insane I became. I only found some moments of clarity by focusing on me, my needs, my recovery and my actions/attitudes. It took me tons of time, energy, redirection and meetings to realize I took so many things personally that were never intended that way. Al-Anon truly gave me a different set of glasses to see me and all others through and I am grateful.
What I also heard (and did not like) is that this disease and the damage it has done to my family and loved one has been active quite a while. Time takes time and healing does too. Just because one is in recovery does not mean one is well...take good care of you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Chances of holding a relationship together through addiction are slim. Getting to group meetings is a slightly better sign than treatment, in my view. A lot of the time treatment can be a revolving door- and only lead to further bitter disappointment.
There are exceptions. Here in NZ I belong to a band of people, true survivors- who have gotten past these horrible terrible times.
~Giving it your best shot~ Geoff is what you are appearing to do. And you are going well. ...
Thanks I will try to be less of a complainer on here. Its been a rough few days. I don't mean to come across that way. I am jus looking for your experiences and how I may apply them to my situation. I will try the al-anon group zoom meeting again this weekend.
I also just put a call out on the old face book to see if anyone was interested in making a hunting group to meet up and discuss and trade stories or plan a hunt maybe share some eats etc.. Ill see if it goes anywhere at least its something for me and will get me out of my head if it goes through and possibly meet some people who I have something in common with and makes me happy. Goose opens Thursday and I'll be out with my dog in the morning before work.
Thanks again everyone
This is a place to sound off
I do a lot of sounding off in therapy
All I did here in this group for a long long long time was sound off
I was in an absolute double bind
This is a place you can sound off
I was in plenty of relationships with high dependency, regular crises, little accountability on my part.
That is a a whole lot to untangle
What I like about al anon.was and still is they start with where you are today.
My life is a million miles from where it was when I got here. Millions of miles
Am. I Challenged? You bet?
Do I.still have issues You bet
Do I get overwhelmed?
Do I have relationships with alcoholics?
In very very very different ways than I.did in the past?
Do I still get dscouraged? You bet
I have a whole different set of problens now
I.certainly have oroblems
I certainly have the right to sound off about them.
Dealing with an alcoholic even in recovery is a sticky business
Real real stcky
Al.anon.has a lot of tools to help.with that
All tools require work
I.work on my tools lately
Detachment
Compassion. That is a lot of compassion for myself
Boundaries. Boundaries are a work in progress
Practice helps
I have to get very pro active on boundaries
The good news is there is more liteatire you tube videos and more on then than ever
We do not have to do this alone
Kerp.posting
Maresie
Venting here or anywhere that helps you release is healthier than not at all or reacting vs. responding. There is never any shame or issue with bringing what worries you or bothers you to others in recovery....do what helps you best refocus your energy on yourself and keep leaning towards trusting the process and the program. My experience is that you can continue to love your A, even stay in the marriage IF that is what you want to do. It's not easy but it is certainly possible. I've done it and I know countless others who also have. I also know just as many who've moved on. There is no right/wrong answers, no right/wrong path - it is your journey! My experience has been that when I worked on getting myself healthier and less entangled with my A, I improved and so did things. It's far, far from perfect but it works well enough for me.
I admire that you found your courage to post about a hunting group and outing....that sounds awesome and I sure hope it pans out for you! Keep coming back Geoff - there truly is help and hope in recovery!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Wednesday 9th of September 2020 02:28:51 PM
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Boundaries are a real double bind around recovering alcoholics. They spend an inordinate amount of time in recovery
They can justify it because others back them up.
I was in a relationship.with my qualifier for 8 years. I have to say he did not cheat in me once. However he chose deliberately chose to make other people the focus if his life. In retrosoect he was always inviting chaos into our life
Setting boubdaries with a recovering alcoholic is like trying to fight a forest fire
Even the way they set up rehab is a massive issue in relationships. Shut dien the relationshipx make access limited, demand certain meetings, demand immediate access whenevee it is needed
What a set up for failure
There are many things wrong with alcoholics anonymous. Boundary issues are one of them. Certain sponsors see relationshios as relapse red flags.
Then there is the constant issue of 13th stepping. I know many many oeople wwll respected in the program who were legends for doing this.
Being sober is a radically different oroposition for some. That does not mean you get to be left in the dust.
At the same time a 12 step prigram is tge first step for a vast number of oeople.
Navigating that territory is tremendously difficult. The big picture us daunting
Maresie
Chances of holding a relationship together through addiction are slim. Getting to group meetings is a slightly better sign than treatment, in my view. A lot of the time treatment can be a revolving door- and only lead to further bitter disappointment.
...