((((Geoff))))

My experience w/newly recovered spouse back in house: Things were great until about 5-6 months in. Then he stopped going to meetings and eventually stopped calling his sponsor. Meanwhile, I worried, reminded, went to meetings of my own. I was accused of not being supportive, too supportive, unloving, etc. Finally, after months of Al-Anon, I admitted that I believed he was no longer "working a program." At that time, I was too scared to do anything. So I denied. Big mistake on my part.

There is no moral to this story... Looking back, knowing what I know now, I wish I would've asked for a separation of 1 year before any mention of getting back together as a married couple. That way I could be stronger in my healing journey, and I would've seen his recovery results from an outside vantage point... less pain & consequences. But I was hell-bent on making that marriage work, and I thought to myself, "Great! He went to rehab, he is clean/sober, everything will be fine!! I just did not realize his true "love" was the addiction...and I could not compete with that.

When I was finally ready to admit I had lost the fight, (7 years later) I could not live with active addiction. It was just too chaotic, too unstable. But I am a woman - at the time, dependent on his income - perhaps your situation is different as you may be the main breadwinner, and thus provide that financial stability. But that doesn't mean your emotional canvass will be stable. If you are "unstable" then it will reflect in your kids. They are sponges, many times mirroring their parents' behaviors. Only you can know if you can remain present and emotionally stable for them while your wife lives in the house and moves on with her life/recovery. You will need to stay focused on you and your kids. Nothing else, as you do not have any control over your wife's recovery/emotional feelings. It completely sucks. I wish I could have a "do-over" to those 7 years, but I can't, and that is just the way it is. It did effect my kid who was a teen at the time, so there are regrets there... I have asked for forgiveness and made my amends. What I am trying to say is that it is important to see things as they are, not how you'd like them to be.

My experience with recovery centers is that there is indeed room for family. Most of them offer family counseling. They encourage support while helping family understand that they cannot illicit change in the addicted person. That is the biggest hurdle I believe, for family members. I believe you posted previously that your wife is done with the marriage. She has already made her decision. Whether right or wrong, that is where it stands. You do not have to agree to have her there out of obligation if it will damage you emotionally. Perhaps the best thing would be to live separately for now, as more will be revealed... it always is.

What is the plan for YOU? Because none of this is easy, a plan is a must. Sometimes it helps to write it down so that when you are triggered by something, you can go to the list and say, "Oh yeah, I can do A, B or C to help me get past this!"

Great job taking the kids out to relieve some of the stress they are probably feeling.

When my AHl just got home. I asked how it was for her and she really enjoyed it. She also said she really missed me and wanted to talk to me about it, and the fact she didn't want to rush into separation and wanted to continue doing what we are doing working on the relationship. She spoke with one of her older group members about the situation and he pointed out to her that maybe she should evaluate what she wanted and that things wont come easily. In more words than that I assume and she may regret her choice to break up the family. So now she wants to stay together again and keep doing what we were doing before our blow out on Saturday. That completely de railed us. I am happy about it but also pessimistic. I guess I will be in the moment and put more focus on me and the kids and see how that works out. It's alot harder in practice than in this post...
The kids do return to school on the 15th there is a staggered start here. They are looking forward to it and so am I. The airport where I work is still only doing few flights across country mostly shut. I only need to go in once a week and do the rest from home (being in IT really helps).
There is a virtual meeting tonight I may join. For now I am going to go make dinner with them. I cant thank you guys enough for just listening to me and letting me into this group of yours. I am truly grateful.

 

 

We get to make up our own resolutions Geoff and what I learned after participation and practice was to sit with the elders in the meetings, listening with an OPEN MIND, getting a sponsor who had the stuff I would like to have and to practice more.  What now? that is a question I often get to review in order to find some mental clarity and break time.  When I forget to do those suggested things that we given to me when I was looking for serenity and peace of mind I get surprised when the nastiness comes back home.  Do I work the program so that some thing might happen that makes her get it?  NO...if she doesn't know she doesn't know and if she doesn't go to where she can get it she won't.  What do I do  to handle the insane thoughts, feeling and actions I am left to deal with?  

I have a Higher Power that  at times I insult by not using Him, by not coming to Him and this program and thinking I am good enough and she will realize it and change.  LOL.  

I must work the program so that  I use the help to making best decisions for me and then following thru with the courage to change the things I can.  Self Doubt? for sure loss of faith? also and that comes with the efforts to change the things I can.

I don't know what she is doing about the problem I see.  What am I doing about it beside complaining and nothing.  At the moment I am in front of this computer because coming here and reading and listening and for what others do is best for me.  So I will sit, read and listen and consider the evidence of what I have and have not done and how I want my life to turn out.   I know what works when I work it. Part of that  is keep coming back.

Thank you my MIP Family Group.

((((hugs))))