The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well we talked it out this morning over coffee. It turns out I was right she isn't in love with me she was just trying to make it work for convenience and the kids she doesn't share the same feeling I do for her. We are going to try separation see what happens from there.. She cannot invest anytime into our relationship which was evident as her recovery needs to come first which I understand. It hurts to hear your not worth the time right now, but I guess I knew it all along. I was really hoping for a different outcome this was not how I wanted to spend the long weekend. We are going to still take the kids on our annual apple picking today and unfortunately have to explain the situation to them after. I am literally sick to my stomach and she went on her call and was laughing and carrying on. It seems like it doesn't bother her in the least. I'm sure it does a little just not to the extent it is ripping me apart. It sucks when you love someone so much and they don't feel the same. 18yrs is a long time to be with someone to find out they just don't really love you. I know I am not the only one who has gone through this but I sure feel alone right now. I guess she will move to her moms tonight and we will figure out a more permanent solution maybe rent a 1 bedroom and share the house. This way the kids stay grounded. I don't know. I am just so....
Early sobriety is a time if intense change
People in early sobriety are put under intense pressure to be on a #pink cloud#
There are grear things about an AA program but remember the program is over 50 years old. It is a flawed system
I do not think people in early sobroety know the following:
1) Tact. There is such intense oressure on them to stay sober at all costs.
2) Their affect on others. For some peopke that takes years. The steps are in sequence for a reason
3) How to do anything but #run# After all.alcoholism is a disease of running
4) How to feel.
Does that mean you do not have the right to all your feelings. You certainly do
Decades into recovery I have to check.my expectations around addicts. My most unrealistic exlectations were around those in early recovery
I held onto those unrealistic expectations like a security blanket. I felt giving them up was #lose lose# In fact it was and still is #win win#
Maresie
I am sorry that you have received some devastating news. After 18 years of having someone to share life with, just thinking about Change is incredibly hard. I was married 29 years. What worked for me was a thorough and honest examination of the years. I found that although I was married for a long time, many of those years were not happy. And remember, a separation is not the absolution of your marriage. Anything can (can does) happen. The most important thing now, is how you are going to be the best (stable) parent for your kids. May I suggest holding off telling your kids for just 12 hrs? Their worlds will come to a halt, and they will forever have this news mingled with the fun of apple picking... in other words, for them, this activity may never be enjoyed in the same way again.
I found reading about Adult Children of Alcoholics helped me to navigate my path concerning my kid. My kid had already suffered enough, I didn't want to add more.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Yes we are not going to tell them. She will move out tomorrow unless it changes which I dont see it. We will just say she is gone to live at grandmas for a while. Take it from there.
Speaking from personal experience with getting clean/sober, I was a crazed individual when I set aside the mind altering substances. Gratefully, I was not married at the time; I had already trashed my first marriage. I was living with another whom I loved deeply and who loved me deeply in return. Yet, I did as your wife is doing. At the time, I said the same things, yet the reality in my mind/heart - I was setting him 'free' of the insanity that was me.
Let me just say that her truth today may be different tomorrow, as may your truth be. We are all imperfect persons doing the best we can with what we have, one day at a time. The most difficult time of my life was trying to get through each day without mind altering substances. There are no words to really share how intensely frightening it is and it is made so, so much worse by the perpetual call of the disease. It is a fool's errand to sit here, and try to understand the mind of any other person or the motive - the disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and ever present. There are still moments, after 32 years clean/sober, where the thought pops into my mind, perhaps I could just have one drink or just smoke a little pot or ..... The disease for those with it never sleeps, never passes - it's just persistent.
For me, when I have suffered rejection by those I love afflicted with this disease, my mind can magnify the whole thing, usually in a negative light. I agree that a separation is not finality. I would strongly encourage you to do all that you can to work your recovery program and focus on you and what you need in your life to have peace and joy. So often, after living with this disease, we really don't even know these answers. I take the time each morning to remind myself that I am loving, loved, lovable and worthy of all life has to offer. Al-Anon has helped me realize that I truly have all that I need; it's my 'wants' that send me left/right of my center. Be gentle with yourself Geoff....try to stay present and not project. Do things that bring you joy. Sadness is expected but you get to choose how long it lasts. Grieving is healthy so long as it's not holding you back from self-care and finding your joy. Sending you tons of peace, positive energy and prayers - you're not alone and there really is hope and help in recovery!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 6th of September 2020 06:45:49 PM
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
