The material presented
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Well it my AW birthday today. We just finished opening gifts with the kids had a coffee and she just received a text from her guy friend mother saying call me asap please. She did and it turns out he is in the hospital. He OD on his DOC and now because his mother can't drive him and his girl friend also doesn't drive. My wife is going to pick his mom up 50min away. Then drive back to the city to pick him up from the hospital and then drive to drop him off. So our birthday celebration is fucked for today all due to her "friend". I understand it is very nice that she would do this and it shows she cares. However I am extremely angry right now that she is doing it and cares about this guy. To me this is not a problem she should have to deal with she is not his mother or his girlfriend. However she is acting like it in point of view and I am getting tired of it and him. As I am writing this right now and I am so mad that she is doing this for another guy. I think I may ask her to move out as I cannot take the relationship she has with this guy. It is at a point where it is crossing a line to me. Maybe I am over reacting and I need to cool off.
I can tell that this has affected you greatly. How your day was ruined by the actions of your spouse. Practicing the Pause has worked for me. Pause before you react or say something you'll later regret.
I thought there might be some other back story to this, b/c I don't see how being of service to another member who is obviously in personal danger is a bad thing... yes, it disrupted your plans, but is it something to upend your kids' whole universe over? So I went and read your old posts. One that really struck me was when you posted about "Self."
Are you seeing a therapist for yourself? A non-biased second opinion on your reactions?
None of this is easy. The waters can be murky and difficult to navigate alone. I am wishing for you clarity of thought this holiday weekend.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Here's a thought...help the brother out also...Go for the ride and assist his recovery and your alcoholics. I've done it and there wasn't much of a hick cup after all we are all in the same boat. Think about it and ask your HP and sponsor. Gotta have a motive that is honest.
There is more to the story with this person he is constantly texting her and calling her. It has been one of the largest issues in our relationship one brought up many times in our couples sessions. I have been trying to understand why she feels the need to be in contact with him. I just cant get over the situation between them It seems too friendly to me. So this is kind of a tipping point for me not saying it is. I did offer to take the whole family to pick him up. Maybe show him what his actions were doing to our day a family and it doesn't just effect him or just my wife. She wouldn't go for it then I find out she is going directly there to get him and bring him to his place ( a boundary we set together was no one on one time with another guy). So she was gone till 1pm to save his a$$. We didn't wait around for her and enjoyed our time without her. We made a cake and played outside until she got home. I don't know what to think. She knew how badly this person gets under my skin and yet she still went to get him. I am sorry but he is an adult and call a cab or figure out someway home. I do have a therapist and have been seeing her regularly since this all began. I don't have the answers yet and I will take pause. I just don't know if I can take the amount of caring for this guy she shows when I didn't get a kiss or a thankyou this morning for the gifts and the note I had wrote her for the watch I gave her. She is on her call now with her NA group so I thought I would reach out. I hope you all had a wonderful day. It was nice and sunny here in the sky.
Oh yes we also took the dog into the DIY groomers and gave her her quarterly bath LOL. I just saw this outside in our backyard and had to share it. I dont know why but I felt calmer just looking at it. Have a great night you guys.
-- Edited by Geoff on Saturday 5th of September 2020 06:06:29 PM
One day I hope or a gender free universe- maybe 4 or 5 generations- where we can hangout where, and with whom we like.
To do so lots of boundaries and protocols would need to be invented and developed- to create trust and empathy...
...I think that sharing around is a good way to get into this situation- and to understand it.
Im my dealings with my own SO [significant other] I found that small-talk and chatter was a good way in... mostly because the other person is in the process of understanding... at the same time.
Huge hugs, Geoff.
You will never be able to "show" an addict what their behaviors do to you or your family etc, so it's a good thing that plan was nixed. But it sounds like this issue has been brought up several times in your couples counseling... with never a clear (or any?) explanation. Perhaps your Spidey sense is correct. This brings to mind, "More Will Be Revealed."
Glad you helped make the kids day more "normal."
Loved the picture... it looks like the rainbow is actually ending just beyond your back yard!!
Hang in there.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
AA or NA can be a big issue with boundaries for those in recovery.
For some people learning what those boundaries are is so crucial. The journey is not an easy one
For many families early recovery is tremendous challenge and they are bitterky disaooointed. Is this jt?
My exoectations were regardless to say way way way off. I. Favt checking my expectations is and can be one of the crucial moments of the day!!
Detaching.is s real art form. Of course you.do not want to detach you want the other person to stop acting out. That means detachment first and foremost
Of course you deserve a relationship where your needs are valued and celebrated too. However we have to start wherr we are. Of course I most definitely wanted the qualifier to.actually acknowledge I had needs and value me as a oerson. However that never hapoened from being obsessed with that quest.
The triggers you talk about are so key. Getting to the point where yiu can get to te point of healing. I know that is an irony because of course they cause tremendous oain and suffering. That oain and sufferimg apoeard tk exist outside of ourselves.
Insecurity, feekings of abandonment, feeling under valued : these are core traits that bring us into a relationship in the first place. Being able to look and experience those emotions is a way to work through them. Is it painful? You bet. Is it worth the effort: absolutely!!
There is sonething very very very compelling about rushing off to save soneone. Some alcoholics/addicts have people running all.over saving them day and night. I know I.have been one of those persons who was caught up in that web. I felt known, aeen, acknowledged but most of all #needed# The crises were everyday cumulative but most of all sitiations tgat demanded I stop everything to deal with them. Those situations made ne feel worthwhile at a time when I felt oretty much worthlesd all round
I have most certainly been in that place with someone where I was aware of their texts, who called when and who they jumoed for. I have also been in the place where I nade a cemebration for others s d they hijacked them time and again.
Take note that your soouse has no doubt where you are because of course you are always waiting for them. I spent a lifetime waiting for the qualifier to come back from his excursions. He always made it verh clear. the excursions were his priority.
Holidays were always very very difficult fir me. It seemed like the qualifier went out of their way to throw a spoke in the wheel at every juncture. I held tremendous resentment for every holiday the qualifier ruined. Then I also has an obsession about where he went and who he soent time with
Every minute was excrutiating. Was he even present for one second: not even a glimmer of possibility.
All those obsessions, sense of abandonment, deep deoendency problens are what brought me to this grouo. What a big pile of issues to show uo here with.
So you most certainly are not alone. If course since I can talk with some detachment about those exoeriences. I have immense comoassion on how #stuck# I was.
Do my holidays now revolve around obsessing how someone else ruined it for me. Nooe. Do I have a hard time on a holiday: absolutely !!!
I am so glad you are here, reaching out, sharing and being vulnerable. What a great gift it is to be able to.come to a place where you feel safe, known abd cared about. Most of all here you are known,celebrated and most certainly welcomed every day.
Gettimg to this grouo was one of the high ooinrs in my recoverh. You are a resourceful determined person. That deermination will carry you a long way in recovery
Keep coming back
Maresie
(((Geoff))) - I am late to this party, but wanted to point out that in spite of how you felt, and how it affected you, I truly applaud that you were able to kind of set it aside and enjoy the day....it's not always easy to do this, and the 'event' probably resurfaced in your mind during the day, yet you 'did it' and ended up having a decent day. Kudos to you and I am certain that made the day 'awesomely better' for the kids.
This entire event, in my opinion, is where a sponsor is priceless. I have followed your story and fully understand the trust issues you have - they appear to be real based on your shares. My first thought was similar to Jerry's - go with her, but I would never take the children....this is just my thoughts - they did not ask to be born into this disease and the less they see, the better until they're of an age to better understand the reach and depth of it. I am certain others have different views, as many as there are persons, so as we say, take what you like and leave the rest.
I could drone on about recovery, helping others, 12 Step work, etc. but won't as that's more about her, her program and how it works on the other side. What I've learned in Al-Anon about situations like this is I really, really have to step up my game, stay in the present and not project. At the end of the day, you will need to come to a place of peace within you - can let you go of the past enough to trust her and her decisions? The answer can go either way, and there is no wrong answer but this is about you, your fears, your projections, your resentments, etc.
What I have learned in recovery is I do not do me any favors by assuming the past is what the present will look like. It might - history may repeat itself, but it also may not and spending time assuming, waiting, projecting, etc. that it will just hurts me. Back to how I started, you did well - you went on with your day and survived.
I do agree 100% with what TT shared - the program suggests same sex sponsorship. I do know there are instances where this is difficult (small towns, limited meetings/members)....yet the suggestion is a wise one. I would encourage you and your wife to find a counselor who specializes in addiction if the one you have does not. They would then be able to better direct these types of discussions simply because my experience is when I preach how my A's should work their program or seek their sponsor, it never ends well.
Keep doing what you are doing - keep sharing, keep processing and keep looking for healthy solutions as issues/life arises. You're doing well and it's human to be uncertain, fearful, distrustful, etc. Know that you're not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
