The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I finally realized that I am not going to be more clever than Alcoholism. For all my smarts, living with an active alcoholic is requiring too many mental (and financial) gymnastics in order to survive.
So I told the spouse that we are done. He actually told me that he was going to not do detox, but "save it for next time". Uh, next time? DUI #3? He was so happy, he was actually about to start making me a nice dinner. He visited with his lawyer today who told him that DUI #1 was dismissed (thanks, lawyer) and so this one would be #1. No jail time.
I sat there and immediately took stock of my life. I could stay, and wait for DUI #3. Or I could kick him out, and acknowledge to the world that I am not going to beat alcoholism, I do not want to keep trying more and more clever ways to keep myself sane while I live with it.
I was pretty angry but I didn't yell as much as I might have thought I would. AH was flabbergasted. He thought I would be jumping up and down for joy. He called me all sorts of things. None of which made me want to turn around and stay in the room with him and take back what I said.
He is selling some assets right now; I told him that once those are gone, he needed to give me the money back that he owes me and my family, and then get out. (I own the house outright, and the car.)
I talked to the person who manages my retirement account. She says I will lose half to the spouse. This is terrible, as are all the other thing that come with divorce (esp for my kids who still think their dad is lovely because he is their dad). But none of that is worse than picturing myself getting a visit from the police to tell me about DUI #3, and/or telling me that my spouse killed someone while driving drunk. Or watching him become permanently disabled from alcohol wrecking his nervous system and then having to drain my life savings (which won't take much time) to take care of him in a nursing home. None.
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
One of my friends got a dui recently. He is pretty nonchalant too. I do not doubt it is not his first. In fact he is planning on buying another car. Denial is a pretty big brick wall to come up.against.
I went through the motor vehicle hell with the qualifier. Recently he too got a dui. I am so so grateful I am not having to deal with that. So so so grareful.
I have a pretty hard life living on my own. This year has been a doozie for me. I cannot wait for the year to be over
Yet hard as it is an (and I have had to deal with everything this year but eveything) I am not now subject to someone elses destructiveness. I am not watching someone else destroy my.possessions
I did not want to be on ny own. When the pandemic hit (besides being ill with the Covid);I felt strongly I did not want to be alone. However right now I would rather be alone than out myself through the torture of dealing with soneone else's addiction in person day in day out
I am glad you are leaning on this group. You will get a lot of support and you certainly deserve it
Maresie
Thanks so much for the support. AH refuses to get out. He says he's going to do detox "asap", that I "misunderstood him" when it came to saving detox for later. He suddenly felt an urge to share his sin with everyone we know. He told them that I am putting him up to it, and he's painting himself like this martyr of goodness. To me, he says that he'll fight me tooth and nail over a) getting kicked out of the house and b) getting divorced. So I can tell that I'm in for a fun time.
I am going to start the search for a lawyer next week. My friend has told me that collecting all the information I will need (documents etc) will take ages, so start now. That's what I'll do.
Maresie888 that is interesting to know that your acquaintance got a DUI and was nonchalant about it. The boozed up brain is truly a mysterious thing.
Fedora it is well known that alcoholism is a disease and is arrested by total abstinence. It is also known that if not arrested it is fatal to the alcoholic and others. Get your atty on board and let him know that your alcoholic has and is refusing to arrest his disease and therefore you cannot and will not agree ahead of time to pay for the outcomes foreseen by his drinking which has already been seen as facilitating the problems. Pre-document his plan to continue drinking and also take the finances which he already has. Bring up the last court case as evidence that you have already made payment and the court is assuring that you will again the next time it happens. Call for an assessment to be entered into court records.
Just suggestions from my ESH.
In the mean time turn it all over to your Higher Power and relax. Allow with a smile that he fix n o w what is being broken n o w. Prayers and love being sent. (((((hugs)))))
(((Fedora))) - I too am sending you tons of positive energy, support and prayers. I do encourage you to seek out any/all assistance, legal and otherwise to help you move forward. Take good care of you - you do deserve a happy, healthy life - keep that in your thoughts as you go about your day, one day at a time.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks everybody. This weekend brought more fun times. While attempting to prepare food, AH passed out cold and felt onto the tile floor. I called an ambulance since he didn't seem drunk ahead of time. He did come to but the paramedics came anyway to check him out. While he was coming to he was pretty pissed off and we nearly got into a fight right there. I told him that the next time this happened I wouldn't trouble the EMTs and I would just let him rot.
Now he's begging for forgiveness. I've been sleeping with my littlest kid for the past several days. AH started sending me messages but I'm just letting them sit there. I hate corresponding by text even on a good day. He wants me to just forgive and forget. I can forgive (to a certain extent) because I know this is booze brain. But only a fool would forget.
On the plus side: everyone in my family (close and extended) knows about my home situation. This was not the case before. Having it out in the open is humiliating but it is also liberating.
Just in the last week I'm realizing how much effort I have been putting into controlling the situation around AH and his drinking. Even though I thought I was working my program, it was always me directing the traffic in my head, trying to convince myself that my understanding of things and acceptance of things was on track. Clearly that was a delusion.
Anyway, my hands are off the steering wheel now. (Other than my project to locate a good lawyer.)
Fedora, I don't know you very well, but when I read your post, I saw inside a very realistic, Al-anon, out of denial woman who has her s**t together more then you think......so sorry this has come to this...but like that song by Kenny Rogers on the gambler "you gotta know when to hold them...know when to fold them...know when to walk away" and you get my drift....Sometimes we just have to cut our losses and move on.......sending you SUPPORT!!!
All you feeling tense and out of control is perfectky normal in that situation
Certainly getting a divorce is wrenching but people do it all the time
There are most certainly financial reoercussions
However still more unfortunately there are financial repercussions about staying ina marriage with someone with an addiction
I do know something about that subject since I was in a relationship for 8 years. My qualifier had a penchant for crashing cars. This year he got a dui. I am so blessed that I no longer have to deal with that insanity.
I have most definitely been through a divorce. Remember that is all ceetain attorneys do. I hired an attorney and they helped me navigate through. I was licky to find a reasonable attorney. Believe me attorneys do not blink an eue when people act out in a divorce setting. They see it every day they are in a place that is beyond judgment.
Maresie
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