One of the traits I have seen with the alcoholic qualifier is the need to make me feel insecure and jealous After the qualifier wooed me and appeared to be a devoted boyfriend he switched lkterally overnught to quite deliberately trying to make me feel insecure and absolutely comoulsively discounting my needs on every occasion. Of course I was a comolete set up for these actions as I grew up in a family where underminimg and jealousy were the norm. My oarents reinforced thst at all times In fact I hsve been in many many situations where this hapoened. Needless to say not being able to address this sitiation made ne entrenched in being a victim. What went along with that was powerlessnesd, resentment and runination anout how powerless I.was. Now I have boundaries I try to avoid those kind of situations. That is a BIG paradign shift. Nevertheless I am now in the place of grieving that I could not resoond to these situations in the oast. The grief is deep and oainful and exhaustimg I went with the qualifier from a place where he really validated my needs and wanted to helo me to the exact opposite and it stayed there. I had such low self esteem I felt that I deserved very very little. Now that I hsve some sense of detachment I am struck by the gaslighting thst the alcoholic''s out there do on a daily basis. After all I just recently lived with an alcoholic roommate who thought nothing of shouting at me when I was really quite ill. It is over 4 months since I left that situation. I am just beginning to regrouo and recover. The most important issue is thst I started to identify and uneartj these patterns. Of course going to no contact with the now ex room-mate is the ultimate goal but going to no contact does not undo the 4 months of non stop gas lighting. I felt I had no.choive but to endure thst behavior and I was pretty physically sick.at the time. As I have mentioned gas lighting is and was the norm in my childhood. In fact gas lighting is the norm I am certain in a place where abuse is oresent I am therefore an absoute set up for someone who gas lights with abandon like the room mate did and of course still does whenever he gets a look in. . In fact the decision to go and stay at his house was certainly a clear indication that I am routinely someone who regularly downolays my own needs to the point of non existence In fact in the ultimate disolay of gas lighting the former roommmate tried to oersuade me to helo him clean uo and fix uo his house. That was while I had my own belongings everywhere. He was adamant that I should really have no needs whatsoever that is besides heloing him out as a oriority. My disorder is of course that I even try to dialogue with such a person. Now I am far ckearer on my boundaries. I know how to detach. I know what my limits are. However I am absolutely primed to discount and dismiss my needs on a routine basis. At one time getting to a place of no.contact with the former roommmate was a oriority. By rushing into that olace I was not really willing to negotiate what the triggers were and still are. I was merely being reactive. One of the authors I have been reading lately has a ohrase #after the oain there is the rising# I cannot wait to see what the rising will be like. I.definitely deserve it. I am definitely ready for better times. Maresie