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Basically long story short this has been a year of revelation of how much I get to control myself and not others.
My latest run in with my X involved my youngest and an iPad for singing lessons. S/he (cause I'm pretty sure his wife was involved) was very entertaining. They overpaid child support earlier this year and I have waited for them to bring it up because there's a large back that is owed and I knew this was coming. I gave my thoughts on the issue and kept my side of the street totally clean and managed not to make any barbed statements. Although I did state I was done arguing with him about money and from here forward the courts can just deal with it. It's ridiculous that after 8 years of separation we are still having the same conversation. That is my thought not anything I put in writing .. LOL.
So, I get a crazy email from him to our youngest and I honestly their relationship isn't my business however my youngest has been very firm about his dad not having his information which I have respected and tried to gently explain to my X .. yah that went over like a fart in church. It was a flameatory (sp?) email from him to our youngest on purpose. I forwarded to my son after having a discussion of if you have any questions please ask me. I will be honest about my part and I won't flame your dad. I left it at that, at first my youngest wanted me to just tell him about the email and I said no, that's not something I want to be in the middle of, you are a bright kid you can read it and I'm here. There's no doubt in my mind my x wanted a fight with me and I chose not to give it to him. I sat on my hands and let me tell you how bad my fingers itch and if not for alanon I would have responded to him. He would have gotten the fight he was looking for.
I got a check in the mail for music lessons as well as part of the iPad over the weekend. This was a 2 month process so I let time take time. Go figure right? Well the issue is this, he's now fully aware there is a man in my life who has stepped up for both of our kids and is in contact with our youngest daily. My X has made a decision not to be in contact because his fragile ego won't allow him to be reasonable and move past the divorce. This isn't about ME .. this is about the view of being an object no different than the kids and his objects have moved on without him. How dare we do anything that doesn't involve his permission.
My point is before someone goes on about me being focused on him .. is this is seriously how crazy the thought process is .. I don't know why my X does what he does .. he just does. My control is over me .. how I react to the situation. I did respond with facts to the crazy email contact. I did set it up so if given to an attorney it's very clear I was not trying to be unreasonable about the situation. I did NOT respond to the email he sent our son. I did roll my eyes so hard they were slots coming up for a jackpot. That doesn't mean I didn't want to respond .. then my thought was why bother. Why would I respond to crazy even in a reasonable way because he can't be talked to on any level in a reasonable way.
What gets an active A in thought and deed is how it looks to others. How it looks is another man is providing for HIS property and my X could never have that, so I doubt moving forward I will get any more crazy from him regarding money. It's no longer a sticking point. I know this to be true for my x based upon 8 years of doing this particular dance. I'm sure until my youngest turns 18 it will be 2 more years of learning I set the dance steps not my X. He no longer plays the music I dance to.
Thanks for letting me share -
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
{{{Serenity}}}. I can relate and understand. My ex husband of approximately 40 years, recently began emailing me, all nice and grown up. Reminded me of the person I knew so many years ago, when sober. So after several emails he then asked to borrow $1200 out of the blue. I said this was not a good idea on many levels, and said no. Once that happened, he became critical and nasty, and said GOODBYE. Doesnt he know I resigned from the doormat club??? Back in the day he owed me so much in child support I stopped keeping records.
Just hang in there, use your toolssounds like you have a handle on things. :)
excellent share (except for last paragraph, LOL! trying to get inside an alcoholic mind is more crazy making... harms you..)
But you have these wonderful new personal boundaries around yourself which are protecting YOU, I can feel your serenity on this side of my computer screen. staying out of his relationship with his own child is the right thing for you to do, yet I know how hard it is.... but you're doing it!!!
I got to this place too, post divorce. he would not follow through on the agreements. My sponsor asked if I really expected he would treat me differently than he did while married???
The answer is YES! I did expect he would follow through with the agreement (divorce decree.) But that thinking (my own insane thinking) caused me a LOT of suffering. My AA friends just laughed when I said I could not believe my husband is trying to go back on his word....
So I did what you are doing, saved all our communications and just handed it all over to an attorney. My husband would not listen to me. He was forced to listen to a judge who also made him pay my attorney fees - for making me go through all of this.
Now. I hope you consider taking a deep breath and setting the matter in your God Box so you can now enjoy this day. when I continue to obsess, I know it still has power over me, I have let go of nothing... even if it is behind the scenes.
you just did " the next right thing" and now you can throw it as HP's feet with confident faith. that is how to amend your relationship to the past, you let it go, you give it to God. it no longer serves you.
(((S))) - yay for you - I believe it's all working as it's supposed to. All I know is that when I stop giving my power, serenity, joy away, it usually results in temper tantrums and some nastiness until it soaks in and settles. Big or small issues, doesn't matter much around here - the reaction can be the same. Love how you stayed on your side of the street, used your boundaries, allowed things to unfold and empowered the kid with the choice to see/not. Keep doing what you're doing - looks awesome on you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I understand that whole situation is crazy... and it just triggers "our" feelings of "Why won't he/she just do the right thing by their kid?" "It should be so simple, yet he/she makes it so hard!" Yup. BTDT!
The key here is your very first sentence. And to that, let me applaud you for staying on your side of the street - making sure it is clean, not taking the bait your X was offering you, and most importantly (perhaps), letting your kid know that you are there to help them figure out the inflammatory correspondence, but without giving your POV about it... just that you are there for support - it is giving your kid the respect she/he deserves to formulate his/her own opinion, while still "protecting" them!LOVE THIS!
Great job "sitting" on those itchy hands!
Thank you so much for sharing this!! For myself, when I was a newbie, I wanted so much to know "HOW." I was not adept at reading between the lines, or understanding how to interpret other's ESH for myself. I was frustrated by "everyone's" response of "We don't tell people what to do." What your wrote is important, b/c it gave a clear path of how youhandled/continue to handle this situation using your Al-Anon toolbox!
Sending you a huge amount of support, as this COVID-19/school future is so hard to move through without an added bonus of addictive behaviors thrown in. Keep doing the great job you are doing, Mom!!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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