The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's true,all my expectations with/of AH always lead to disappointment.
Why is that so hard to accept? Why is it so hard to stop expecting anything better or different?
Every single time I expect something I am setting my own self up. He's not doing that to me,I am doing this to myself. I don't know why I ever think "this one time" he might respond to a question with a legit,kind answer. Or why I would think "it's my birthday so today he will be different and it will be a good day"(that happened last week actually). Nothing is ever different with him,no matter what he's just always the same.
It's like wishing my dog would meow instead of barking. Thinking every day that today's gonna be the day that my dog isn't gonna be what it is,a dog.
Sunny... the A in my life was my dad. He was one of those people who never made promises. He got sober the day he died.
So I do don't go through he cycle of build up- and break-down. Life was monotonous, boring and devoid of hope. But i do have hopes and dreams- some of which were broken. Smashed. Some were realised; and some are still being realised. .
My sponsor said, time takes time -- meaning to be patient with myself as I learn how to do Al-Anon. I think you have great awareness of the "problem" and that's so important in getting to a solution.
I love how you recognized that we can't turn a dog into a cat. Maybe keep that image in mind.
(((SF))) - sending you tons of positive energy and virtual hugs. When the fog began to lift for me, and I began the journey of recovery, awareness was a 'double-edge' sword. All who came before me suggested self awareness was a gift, as it does lead to Acceptance & Action. I wasn't really convinced it was good/a gift as it also made me mad at me thus hard on me. Again, leaning into the ESH of those who came before me, I was reminded over and over again that Al-Anon is a gentle program, I am merely human, mistakes will surface and it's OK - it's how we learn, grow and change.
One of the hardest realizations I encountered as I continued my journey was that I tended to apply my value set to others around me and then judge accordingly. I.E. I consider myself honest, thus expected the exact same from others. Others, including siblings who grew up in the same home with the same values, did not value honesty the same as I did so continuously were judged by me or let me down.
So many things in me really needed some examination and reworking if I wanted to really be happy, joyous and free. Each time I was disappointed, I would talk it out with my sponsor and she always asked the same question(s) - what do you think it is within you that is driving how you feel? I really, really, really had a life-long habit of blaming others and shaming others for how I felt/acted, and had a lot to relearn/retool.
I do believe that expectations are resentments in waiting or the planning stage. Resentments and anger add no value to my peace, life, day, etc. so I'm willing today to do whatever it takes to protect my serenity. This includes choosing to be happy over being right, as well as lowering my expectations and always having a Plan B - even if that is just to read a book, take a walk around the block, early to bed, etc. It helps me to remember that I've chosen to accept alcoholism as a disease, and if a friend/family member was having a bad day with another illness, I would 'cut them slack' so I can do this as well. Accepting the disease concept truly helped me with unconditional love, letting go and letting God and putting me first one day at a time. I do hear you and know that you are not alone. Keep coming back...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You have received some good ESH here. I think you also have fantastic self-awareness!!
The subject of Expectations was/is always a hard one for me b/c I found/find that it is hard to have zero expectations. Societal conventions speak of this is how "we" should act in situation A. B, C etc. So it can be hard to overcome what you have learned over your lifetime.
It is my opinion that it can be especially hard in a marriage where addiction comes later in the marriage b/c you entered into that "contract" with the knowledge and belief of your supportive person being a certain way (mind-set, behaviors, values etc), and then all of a sudden they no longer live by those principles and you are left holding the bag & saying to yourself, "What just happened?" "How did I get here?"
I think this is an area where knowledge of self is important. It can't "fix" the other person, but it can bring some peace knowing the next step for yourself.
Now that I have some distance from the insanity of the disease, I think that if I didn't have to worry about serious financial/legal consequences, (or the constant instability), I could be more accepting of this disease, as I have found my compassion for my qualifier. But Al-Anon helped me with that, I don't think I could've found it without the guidance of the program, as I had to change - something I never thought I needed before.
Sending you waves of Light & Support! &
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Yes sunny, I so agree. it is a real disappointment when I hitch my happiness onto others and they let me down. With some people, I learned not to do that.
But not all people.
"Expectations are a pre-meditated resentment," they told me. and especially when I go around expecting an alcoholic to not "act" alcoholic -
that is insane.
Of course an alcoholic should act alcoholic. and dogs should bark. cats should meow.
Al-anon taught me to watch my thinking. are my thoughts TRUE?
I'm not beating myself up over having expectations anymore. I have really been thinking about it since posting here and actually, it's only normal and natural to have expectations with a loved one, especially a spouse/partner. Of course any person would expect them to be kind,to acknowledge and celebrate birthdays,holidays,etc.
It's not "wrong" of me to expect a certain quality of life in a committed relationship. I realize that now. I also realize that I have to accept that if I remain in this marriage this is most likely how it will always be. And I have to ask myself some hard questions about whether this is what I'm willing to settle for and do without all in the name of love.
I get that addiction is a disease. I get that my AH is sick. But is it really right or fair to myself to sacrifice my own needs,wants and expectations because of it. Am I not worthy of so much more and so much better than this? ( Just thinking out loud)
exactly, my friend. I am re-married and he just left for work. I expect he will return at the time he said he would. I expect we will both do the day as we normally do and at the end of this day, we will have dinner together, feed our pets, go for our daily walk, and I expect we will end this day the way we normally do.
I have learned to expect this because it happens reliably every single day. like you, I have learned we can have expectations in some of our relationships.
You came to this realization way faster than I did!!!
I think b/c I was such a personal perfectionist, I was stuck in trying to "Do" the program in the "perfect" way... I was not allowing for my own thoughts!!! This "war of wills" kept on until after my 2nd Step 4... where I finally found the power of acceptance and self-authenticity. I also became better at the "Take what you want and leave the rest," slogan.
Finally!! I quit beating myself up for thinking that in certain situations, having expectations is normal and NOT flawed thinking! The funny thing is, the catalyst for this thought was a lawyer -breaking down the emotionality of marriage into a contract between two entities. In most business contracts, there are actual and assumed expectations (based on societal conventions) and that is "normal."
You are currently navigating the storm... but you are strong and now AWARE. You have just openly said that now you need to ACCEPT. You are the captain of your ship, my friend!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Well for me in order to.let go of certain relstionships I have to let go.of ecpectstions. As long as I.was invested in the relationship I was in a cycle of grief anget and of course minimizing my needs
It is no.secret that my family life was terrible. Everything but everything went to.my older sister. That was a life long pattern by my oarents. Indeed when my mother died she left my sister EVERYTHING. What's more my sistee went out of her way to.keeo and hold onto absolutely everything. After 40 simethjng years of that oattern you would think that I would have exoected my mother to keep on behaving the sane way. I had what was called #makignant hope# ,for the relationship
Therefore given that pattern of ingrained negect and shattered hope I went ontto reoear that in all key relatilnships
However I have to say un the case of the akcoholic(s) (note the olural) there was a great deal of manipulation that went in
Initially my qualifier seened devoted to heloing me and wanting ny comoany. That was the hook. When I was thoroughly hooked then he set uo his iwn agenda
Therefore I have to say that in so many respects the alcoholic qualifier knew me better then I knew myself. I was #needy# so he could read my deorivation very easily. I was also. needkess to say extremely lonely. My qualifier was of course a master manipulator. He knew exactly what to say to his mother. In many resoects he was very skilled
So when it comes to exoectations I have to walk a fine line. Of course there are things I need and desire in certain relationships
Now when I am not getting the most basic needs I am prepared to act. However in a pandemic I do not get a custom designed life. I get the best I can make lf it
.
Lately I have been grieving hiw easily I was manipulated by the qualifier abd others. That is a becessary gruef.
Lately I.have been more willing to address my own needs so I.am not as reliant on others to supply me with love and understanding. Progress not oerfection
Maresie
(((SF))) - I think outloud often....I think it's good for my soul to process with others in recovery and to wonder what I really, really need in my life/relationships. I do believe that there are healthy expectations such as those mentioned above. I have those as well. For me, the difference today is when my AH doesn't arrive home when I expect him to, I do not panic, project the worse case scenario, or wonder if there is trouble brewing. Instead, I try to give him over to the God of my understanding and go on about my day.
I have found this to be helpful for my recovery:
On Expectations: Any time I am in resentment, I am not taking care of myself. I am blaming someone else for something I need to do. The higher the expectations, the lower the serenity. I try to keep my boundaries high, my expectations low, and my heart open.
I really encourage you and anyone else interested to google 'al-anon readings on expectations'.....it's very helpful in better understanding why WE get sideways/twisted at times.
A personal share - when my mom went into the hospital earlier this year with Covid & Pneumonia, nobody, including me, thought she would survive. She's got a pace-maker, is in heart failure, has emphysema, stage 4 kidney disease and dementia. She could have been the poster person for preexisting conditions and the highest risk ever for Covid. I took the burden of telling my brothers from my father so he could work to inform her sisters and others in the family. With each phone call, each brother (and I) felt 100% certain we really needed to plan for the worst outcome. There wasn't anyone, including hospital staff, who thought she would survive. To the surprise of everyone, she responded well to oxygen and antibiotics for the pneumonia, and was discharged in 6 days. I remember vividly shaking my head at the marvel of the news when my dad called to say he was driving to the hospital to pick her up. Again, I called all the brothers to share the news. I learned even more that day about expectations, miracles and the power of HP, love, strength, courage, etc. We just really never, ever know what will come next - always better for me to just stay present in the moment. For the purpose of this topic, this expectation was far from a disappointment - it was certainly a shocking, unexpected surprise!!!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 6th of September 2020 07:09:22 PM
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 6th of September 2020 07:10:26 PM
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sunny... the A in my life was my dad. He was one of those people who never made promises. He got sober the day he died.
.
& 
