The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello,
In January 2020 I finally had the courage to speak up to my AH about how unhappy I was in our marriage and that his drinking and depression left me lonely and unhappy. I had told him for the last 3 years that he needed to start cutting back on drinking and start seeing a counselor for his depression. Told him the only way to stay in this marriage would be for me to get stronger for the both of us, understand how to live with an alcoholic spouse, and find new ways that will make me happy in an unhappy marriage. My husband is a good man and a great worker, he is a high-functional alcoholic who procrastinates on everything except work, but everyone loves his outgoing personality. Told him there are 3 things he needs to address, controlling his drinking, getting help for his depression, doing his share around the house 50/50 because I do everything. Since I have spoken up for myself the alcoholism has turned for the worse; aggressive outburst, emotional/mental abuse, manipulation, guilt trips, and banging on the door here and there if I wouldnt open it, but never ever physical towards me. I know its the disease that is doing all this ugliness, not him. We did seek marriage counseling and found that counselors do not always understand alcoholism, Ive researched that too.
Back in April I told him this ugliness is getting out of control, I have never thought of divorce but his actions have made me start thinking about it and I let him be aware of that. He would show my some effort, but it would not last more than 3 days, then the ugliness comes back. So you know I do have a friend I go to when the verbal abuse is really bad, I also will just leave the house now and wait for him to pass out before coming back, we have 3 dogs and I need to think about them too. End of May I told him I have started to research divorce, in Florida it is only marriage or divorce, they do not recognize legal separation or I would entertain the idea but he said he would not. Again, improvement for about 3 days then back to the disease taking over. It just kills me to see a glimmer of the man I love and then the disease makes this ugly man come out. My AH is a talker, but does not follow up with actions, always talks his way through me. On 13 August I finally told him I am divorcing him, this set him off and was the worse 4 straight days of verbal abuse I have ever had plus him constantly going out and driving around, He does drink and drive a lot, I will have to help him out of the truck at times and get him in the house or he will just come in the house stumbling and go straight to bed. I fear that one day he will get in an accident and kill himself or someone else. Finally he was rational one day and apologized, always telling me I dont deserve this treatment, asked for one more shot. I told him I have given him so many chances and I have pushed actually saying the words of divorce. He said he would start doing better, as always, and enroll into classes and that he is trying his butt off and fighting for us. In my mind I always say if he was fighting for us why hasnt he proven it in 8 months. He decided to talk about the plan of separation, he didnt want this before, I saw the man I loved in his eyes and said show me action. This lasted about 1.5 days before the ugly came out, again with the one more chance. I then told him stop drinking that day, he ended up going to his friends house and drank for 3 hours straight coming back ugly. That week was him saying he didnt drink and I find empty and full beer cans in his truck, the lies just keep coming as always. The guilt trips saying I did this to him because I want to divorce him and Im not happy, throwing away 17 years we built together, throwing our house away to complete strangers (we both want the house and fear the judge will make us sell it, this is the first home Ive ever had being a military brat growing up), the dogs will be split apartall very hurtful talk.
Late last week he signed up for the smoking patch and started calling around for out-patient programs after he came home from work and watched a movie, of course. Did a chore here and there, but hasnt done really anything to show improvement this entire year. He says he needs the separation to get through the program, he would leave the house for a month or two months or whichever timeframe he decides to change it to that day, inconsistency big time. but just to give him the opportunity to get enrolled into the program and then come back and reevaluate. One more chance, not the chances I gave him this year, not the chance I gave him last week, not the chance I gave him yesterday, a new chance today! The damage is done and I do not even know if Im in love with him anymore. My fear is that if I decide to stay I will end up settling in an unhappy marriage because of the guilt I will have. He has shown action by talking on the phone, but I am not happy being with him.
Has anyone else been in this situation? If you stayed, did you regret it?
Thank you for listening.
When the emotional pain out weighs the emotional payoff it is enough.
I needed alanon to tell me when it was enough. So I really encourage people to go to meetings if possible, or counseling to find out what your answer is. I chose to leave however I was ready to go, it was very difficult and financially expensive on so many levels. I couldn't stay with the damage that was being done to the family. I have no regrets and I don't believe I could stay in the relationship and heal at the same time. Some people can and that works for them. I needed to go and honestly it was better for my X too. We just had to much toxicity. It took me a while to come to that choice and I'm glad I made it when I did.
If I left before I was ready it would have been more of a nightmare than it was, so get help and support that you deserve. I found making decisions when I was emotionally high or low didn't work well either. Find your peace and safety and go from there.
Keep coming back, I do recommend the book How Alanon Works as a starter book to see how the program can be applied to your life .. there are no short cuts.
Hugs,
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
{{{kokopelli}}}. We each have to make up our mind about our life. I have stayed with my alcoholic. Now we are both in our 60s, house, animals, etc. Perhaps if I were younger and had good physical health, I would make a different decision. My A is untreated but there have been periods of help and some progress. Our situation is not as bad as it used to be.
But what I can tell you is that much of the time I am a coping well and yes, even happy. Severe damage has been done to me and Im healing and growing all the time. I bought my own place and live half time apart near my son and his family. That is not the usual thing to do and I dont care how others judge me for itI have the peace of my own place, my dogs come with me, and Im near family that are not alcoholics and appreciate me. I have a close relationship with my 9 yr old granddaughter. Also not sure if I could stay with my A were it not for my other home.
Alanon has helped me get stronger and healthier. When I got to program 7 years ago I was desperate to figure out if I should go or stay. I learned that if I can take one day at a time, change the focus to myself and off my spouse, slow down and think, that in time I will know which path to take. If you can find some zoom meetings, talk to us on the board, in time you will know what to do. There are no quick fixes or easy answers. But there is help and hope.
With as much compassion and empathy as I can muster let me be honest. I admit as I find out again that I can weep for the victims on both sides of our disease of alcoholism and addiction. Weeping doesn't feel good or healing at my age and with this powerlessness. My story is my story with all of the pain and happiness we carried over each 24 hour period of time; with the police and others and it took Al-Anon and other sources of help to come to the understand to the question "WHY". I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know the answer to WHY wouldn't she and couldn't I.
I needed to use the tools that were handed to me each one in it's own time and to practice using them daily not alone and with the fellowship and a power much more greater than myself 24/7.
We got to the point where I beat her one evening and in the morning looking at the question "Why didn't that kill her?" as I looked at the damage still imagining it would not be enough. And the killer statement from her was, "I deserve that". It made me sick after coming to know in program that you don't beat a sick person. I divorced the woman/alcoholic/addict wife I loved partly to save her life. "Dear God grate me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".
My sponsor and the fellowship gave me the definition of insanity which I hold close including when I come here and read the posts from our family MIP. "A continuous and dis-orderly process of thought". Most true.
"When is enough enough?" I came to understand the answer to that question in the feedback I got from my Higher Power "Let go and let me have her" and from my Sponsor Don'T who loved me and my wife with empathy, "STOP!!" and my home group and Alateen and all the tools of the program..."KEEP COMING BACK"!! even after the times they wanted me out of the meeting room because my insanity was also in attendance.
There is so much more in my story...so much and my Higher Power keeps me remembering it all because it is my part of the story I need to remember and focus on so that I can learn to heal and maybe help myself and others further.
I am back in Clovis CA. where it all happened with another wife I married when I didn't need to be married. My alcoholic/addict is?? where? alive? dead?...who knows but HP. I do know that HP used her recovery to give me mine. He use her to teach me humility which my sponsor told me was being teachable. I am born and raised in Hawaii and metaphors is how we communicate...communicating with pictures. I still see the picture and hear the voice of her counselor telling a thursday night Al-Anon group that his new patient sat on the edge of her hospital bed with a bag over her head and responded when he asked her his "Why?" that she responded, "I have come to understand that if I am not allowed to got thru this blindfolded I will never make it." Picture that ...and in part it saved my own recovery.
We divorced and as far as I know remain alive and healthy as HP wishes.
There is more to my story and I am grateful this will never run out for me because it might be helpful for someone else also. Remember to do service to others in the program. Let them know what it was like, what happened and what it is like now. Do your steps one at a time and with help from others. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
My AH came home, called to make an appointment with an outpatient program, told them he stopped drinking 2 days ago.
Found 4 empty 16 oz beer cans in his truck. He knows the marriage is on the line. If he was serious about trying to do better, he wouldn't show this action right?
I hate to see him like this and know that the ugliness comes out in one beer, i know i cannot stay in this environment and emotional hurt. I keep reminding myself...
I did not cause it,
I cannot control it,
I cannot cure it.
