The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted in awhile and I have been so busy with work lately. It's a busy time right now. I haven't kept up with my readings or self care the last 2 weeks. My feelings are all over the place. My bf is an active alcoholic and it's putting a strain on me. I try not to argue with him. I will excuse myself from the room I either go to the restroom or start working on something. He comes up with the craziest arguments. He yelled at me all day today because he left the gas cap off the vehicle. He said that I secretly went to the car and unscrewed the gas cap. I haven't put gas in the car in months. I haven't really driven since the pandemic started I get mostly everything delivered. He is the one that uses the car everyday to go buy beer. I tried to explain I did nothing to the car but it just fueled him. He comes up with all these conspiracy theories about people being against him. Now I'm part of one of his theories. I'm somehow out to get him. I feel at this point he is just being a bully and/or abusive. Everywhere he goes he carries a can of beer whether it's checking the mail or going to the restroom. He takes a can when he goes buy more beer. We live 3 min from the gas station. His drinking has increased significantly since he got fired. I asked him not to drive with an open container and not to drink while driving but he says I'm conspiring against him. After that I didn't tell him anything anymore. I feel crazy....I feel like I'm in crazy town. I need to get back on track.
Thank you for listening to me. I know this was more of a vent than anything else but I need to tell someone I can't holding all thes crazy feelings
I am sorry you are going through a rough patch. Disengaging is smart. The Al-Anon tools can help you stay sane. As you know, you need to keep the Three C's at the forefront (You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you cannot Cure it).
Sounds like your BF is crossed into the paranoia "stage." This can be a very dangerous time for you. Please be safe. Continue to not engage. I do not know your situation or reasoning, but at some point you may want to look into why you feel the need to live like this? Love is meant to be shared/reciprocal.
Understanding of self is key, and nothing changes if nothing changes.
All my best,
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you for all your kind words. We are in the process of moving places. My lease is up and I don't want to renew my lease. I had a neighbor leave me a note saying that they hear all the yelling and for me to please stay safe and to take care of myself. It was signed concerned neighbor. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I made sure to find a place within my budget and everything is in my name. After we move I'm not sure how much longer I will be with him. I am giving it the next 30 days and I will decide how to break it off. I have tried to go to a local meeting in person but he won't let me leave the house unless he knows exactly what I'm doing. I told him I wanted to go to a meeting to help myself. He said no unless he goes and that he would wait for me in the car. I need my own time. I am trapped with him 24 hrs a day. I feel suffocated. After we have moved I'm going to let him know that I need to go to meetings for me. I need it. I need to interact with others besides him. I have awesome coworkers but I never share any personal info. And I am 5hrs from my hometown all my real friends and family are far away from me. I am living 5 min at a time right now. Thank you for allowing me to speak my mind. I appreciate this forum. It's the only outlet I have right now.
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